Oscars: Better late than never.

Usually, there's an Oscar reaction post at the blog sometime in late January, but I've been distracted by...stuff. The ceremony is less than a week away, so I'm gonna try something new.

Picture: Ten nominees. Ten. I remember when they had five. Eh. I’ve only seen one of them and, really, I couldn’t see myself checking out the others, especially given the controversy wafting off of one of them. You all know which one.
What would I have put in the category: Saturday Night. Seriously, how did the buzz on this slip away? See also: The Bikeriders.
My pick: The Substance and don’t tell me it couldn’t happen. Four words: The Shape of Water.

Actor: I’m not sure who to pick, not because I felt that all five performances were that mindblowing, but because I didn’t see any of the movies (and I’ll be goddamned if I dignify that psychopath destroying this country, in any way). I got to pick somebody, I suppose.
Who would I have put in the category: Glen Powell for Hit Man and…Josh Hartnett for Trap. Bold or controversial? You make the call.
My pick: Ralph Fiennes. He is long overdue.

Actress: Unlike the other acting categories, I actually got to witness one of the nominees making magic…and, also, this category has been a ride. Two nominees dividing the awards attention and another’s offensive tweets resurfacing. That’s the 21st century, for you.
Who would I have put in the category: Just June Squibb (for Thelma) and Jodie Comer (for The Bikeriders). The summer is not kind to Oscar bait.
My pick: That one nominee I saw? Demi Moore.

Supporting Actor: Didn’t experience any of these nominees, which is a bummer, but I have liked them in other things…well, most of them; I have never heard of the guy from Anora.
Who would I have put in the category: Hell, I could craft a brand new lineup with my choices. Willem Dafoe (Nosferatu). Hugh Grant (Heretic, presuming A24 wouldn’t run him for Leading). Tom Hardy (The Bikeriders). Richard Roundtree (Thelma). Denzel Washington (Gladiator II).
My pick: Eenie, meanie, miney…Kieran Culkin.

Supporting Actress: Okay, another example of how I should watch more of these movies. None of them appealed to me, so I’m going by name. A name that has been a reliable player for many decades. A name that, remarkably, had never been Oscar-nominated before. A name whose name is the result of a legendary actress and a renowned director. She played a nun. I don’t know how I can make it clearer.
Who would I have put in the category: Margaret Qualley, obviously, but also Joan Chen for Didi. Her mother character pretending that she cares for her shitbird son instead of choking him until he turned green is some of the best acting anyone has done in the last decade. It really hammers home how misused Chen was in Hollywood schlock like On Deadly Ground and Judge Dredd (though the “Bitch!”/“Judge Bitch.” exchange from the latter still makes me giggle).
My pick: Isabella Rossellini

Director: Another category, another one-out-of-five choice. Ah, to hell with it. As with the Presidential election, I’m voting for the woman.
Who would I have put in the category: The guy who did Hundreds of Beavers. Yes, really.
My pick: The Substance

Original Screenplay: Okay, ignoring my pick, I’d be interested in seeing the award go to A Real Pain. Just because.
What would I have put in the category: Juror #2. If an Oscar went to a movie like this, studios would be falling over themselves to make nine or ten movies like it a year and I call that a win for everybody.
My pick: The Substance 

Adapted Screenplay: Okay. Can’t pick The Substance this time. Also, I haven’t seen any of the contenders. Well, I’m stuck.
What would I have put in the category: Really, just Saturday Night and Hit Man…and maybe Nightbitch.
My pick: Conclave

Cinematography: I barely paid attention to the camera work in the one nominated movie I saw. Not sure how I could judge fairly.
What would I have put in the category: Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes.
My pick: Dune Part Two.

Editing: …yeah, I have absolutely no dog in this fight.
What would I have put in the category: The Substance?
My pick: Conclave, I guess.

Production Design: I’ve only seen one of the nominees…and, remarkably, it’s not the one I would’ve chosen for to receive the award.
What would I have put in the category: Gladiator II, Heretic, Red One. A lot of a room for improvement, I have to say.
My pick: Wicked

Costume Design: A pretty solid set of nominees here. That’s all I have to say.
What would I have put in the category: They could’ve included The Bikeriders for something (relatively) contemporary.
My pick: Wicked, because duh!

Original Score: Not gonna waste my energy or bandwidth on the unmemorable wastes in this category, so I’ll just talk about the two scores that, more or less, deserve to be here. Wicked didn’t linger in the memory as much as I’d have liked, a symptom of being bound so tightly to Sondheim’s melodies that an identity of its own never really develops. Even so, a John Powell Oscar nomination is a John Powell Oscar nomination. Kris Bowers’s score for The Wild Robot made for an eclectic accompaniment to the well-made but curiously overpraised animated movie.
What would I have put in the category: The question here is 'what wouldn't I have put in the category?' Young Woman and the Sea and Inside Out 2 made the category's shortlist and beyond that? Here, The Lord of the Rings: the War of the Rohirrim, That Christmas, Fly Me to the Moon, Saturday Night. (Side rant: You’d think, at the very least, that this film would squeak into this category for some kind of representation, but it was completely shut out. Granted, the only true things about the film were the names of the people involved and the date on which it took place but, really, much phonier biopics have cleaned up at the Oscars.) Seriously, do the people choosing the nominees for this category even like music?!
My pick: The Wild Robot

Original Song: As with a number of the major categories, I have experienced a grand total of none of these nominees, so anything I say won’t have any effect on anything ever.
What would I have put in the category: Not a single movie song in the past year struck me as memorable as the song parodies from Ricky Stanicky. For real, I would buy an album of those tunes. (And I’m still sore about last year. None of the songs from Wonka were nominated, much less shortlisted. How do you justify that?!)
My pick: “Never Too Late”. Why? It’s Elton John, mate.

Animated Feature: All the expected movies received nominations. The least known of this year's nominees, Memoir of a Snail, received only one screening in the last few weeks (though who knows; maybe, it will expand like Robot Dreams - the least known of last year's nominees - did...and I'll probably end up considering this the worthiest of an Oscar win). My favorite animated movie of the year was Inside Out 2, though the popular opinion is leaning toward The Wild Robot. If it had focused more on the robot and less on the animals, it would be the most deserving. Flow truly blew me away with its animation and lack of dialogue. It would be just as worthy as IO2.
What would I have put in the category: Nothing. Much as I liked Kung Fu Panda 4, it was never gonna happen.
My pick: Flow.

Visual Effects: Haven't seen Wicked or Dune and I don't care how accomplished the effects are in Better Man. Somebody - anybody - needs to send a message to Hollywood: if this (and the Legos of Piece by Piece) are the best you can do in spicing up music biopics, stop making music biopics! Alien: Romulus was decent, even with the in-my-opinion-not-as-bad-as-people-whine-about deepfake of Ian Holm's Ash. Even now, it struck me as organic to the story. Weyland-Yutani would seriously not have copies of their androids? The motion capture effects of Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes were the most impressive, perfectly on brand with the reboot franchise.
What would I have put in the category: Twisters had some impressive effects depicting its hurricanes.
My pick: Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

Make-Up and Hairstyling: Much like a multiple-choice question, you can automatically delete two answers to improve chances of getting credit, so adios, Wicked and Emilia Perez. The makeup for Nosferatu was incredible, turning Bill Skarsgard into the bloodsucker and, as I understand it, A Different Man changed Sebastian Stan to look like he had the disorder that his co-star, Adam Pearson, suffers from in real life. Still, the 800-pound gorilla in this category is The Substance. Love the ending or hate it (*coughpussiescough*), the makeup for Monstro Elisasue was incredible. If the film has a chance of winning any category, it is surely this.
What would I have put in the category: It's fine the way it is.
My pick: The Substance

I know less than nothing about these next few categories, so no 'what would I have put in the category?' here. Just simple, 'names from a hat' bullcrap.

Animated Short Subject: By definition, these have to be the least depressing nominees of these next few categories. Reading up on them - because the days of me actually wanting to see these in a theater like I did in my 30s are slipping away fast - I’m gonna go with Magic Candies.

Live-Action Short Subject: The best thing I can say about the nominees of this year‘s category is that none of them are indulging in heavy-handed racial issues and depressing tones, practically begging for Oscars (though it seems like some of the shorts tiptoe up to that line, judging by their plot summaries on Letterboxd). I vote optimism in this category. I’m Not a Robot.

Documentary Short Subject: Two stories of brutality and forgiveness, two stories of women in music and something that looks at the horror that a number of people face in the streets every day. I really see this going to Incident.

Documentary Feature: No Jim Henson Idea Man. No Music by John Williams. No fucking way. Still, any one of the actual nominees winning would be enough to piss off the current administration, so okay, let’s play ball. Porcelain War.

International Feature: A mild dilemma: do I my embrace my cynical side and pick Flow, believing that the Academy is still slobbering the knob of The Wild Robot and they’re gonna wanna give the loser something or do I listen to my heart? Hell with it. I’m going with heart. The Girl with the Needle.

Sound: I don’t know. Let’s focus on the movie centered around music. Ah-ah-ah-ah, the non-controversial movie centered around music. Ah-ah-ah-ah, the non-controversial, but-still-likely-to-be-shut-out-of-its-other-categories movie centered around music. A Complete Unknown.

Sunday March 2nd. Who will be Carrie before the prom and who will be Carrie after? I guess we'll find out then.