Heartbroken.

An obvious pun and my feelings on the fact that a remake of The Heartbreak Kid is soon to be released. Oh, yeah. Versatility.

Anyway, I'd heard about 1972's The Heartbreak Kid for a while. I desired to rent it, but the video store (apparently) didn't carry it. Thankfully, my library had a VHS copy.

The basic story concerns young newlyweds Leonard (Charles Grodin) and Lila (Jeannie Berlin) and how, en route to their honeymoon in Miami, Leonard can't help but notice some...quirks about his new wife: she's a messy eater and her singing voice is less than melodious. When a nasty sunburn on the first day of the vacation sequesters Lila in their hotel room, Leonard ends up meeting Kelly (Cybill Shepherd), a cute blonde on vacation from Minnesota. Leonard is determined to win her over, but her father (Eddie Albert) doesn't trust this guy...especially after learning that he's married.

I suppose that a remake of this film was inevitable; an update for today would make for an engaging night at the movies. (As a matter of fact, Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler were once named as stars with Barry Sonnenfeld attached to direct.)

Unfortunately, it ended up in the hands of Peter and Bobby Farrelly. It's not that I'm calling them terrible directors. From the previews of their last film, Fever Pitch, they proved capable of making a sweet romantic comedy. Did I mention that Ben Stiller is starring? So, let's see: Farrelly Brothers + Ben Stiller = There's Something About Mary, perhaps the most overrated comedy of the last twenty years. A collection of tasteless and pointless shock gags, most of them directed toward Stiller's character.

Maybe it's because I'm one of those people who feels empathy for characters when I watch movies, but, to be perfectly honest, I am really goddamned sick of these 'comedies of embarrassment'. As far as I'm concerned, they are to comedies what 'torture porn' is to horror films: projects that make people uncomfortable instead of going for the reaction that the genre demands.

For some reason that I fear I'll never understand, a good portion of Stiller's films in the last decade (Mary, Duplex, Along Came Polly and the Meet the... films) have been like this. He seems to be one of several people unaware that this put-upon schlubs (Greg Focker, Ted Stroehmann, Reuben Feffer) are way, way less amusing than his over-the-top nitwits (Tony Perkis, Derek Zoolander, White Goodman...I swear to Jesus, there has not been a better comic performance this century than the one he gave in Dodgeball).

Alas, this year's Heartbreak Kid looks to be firmly in the 'comedy of embarrassment' mould (For those of you thinking of the original, it does not fit this category, no matter what Leonard Maltin's review says...at least, the definition as it is, today.). Judging from the previews, The Farrellys are completely unconcerned with what made the original worth revisiting in the first place. The original was a well-crafted character piece with some fine performances.

The biggest difference seems to be how Lila is treated. Berlin's sympathetic portrayal in the original (which earned her an Oscar nomination) sticks out. She's a sweet young woman who just wants her husband by her side as she recuperates. In the remake, however, Lila (Malin Akerman) seems to be a cartoon: she sings along to every song on the radio, no matter how awful; she snorts liquid out of her nose (executed with some unnecessary CGI); she makes...a lot of noise in the bathroom (if you ever encounter anyone who finds a gag like this hilarious, you have my full permission to kill them) and she's not above setting the quote-unquote 'hero's' passport ablaze upon learning of his canoodling with the other woman. In other words, Lila is now Sack Lodge with tits.

Speaking of the other woman, now named Miranda (and played by Kiss Kiss Bang Bang's Michelle Monaghan), she seems, from what little I've seen of her, like she belongs in a Heartbreak Kid remake: down-to-earth, cute and curious about this unusual man she just met. (I just imagined a couple of scenes from the original with Monaghan and Jason Bateman...oh, what could've been.)

Sadly, there's no 'other woman's father' character here...which may be for the best. I don't think anyone could've played the part remotely as well as Eddie Albert did. For me (a "Green Acres" fan, I must admit), he was the highlight of the original. His slow burns were incredible...and, thankfully, he was Oscar-nominated.

What this remake does have is Carlos Mencia. (Full disclosure: I'm well aware of the joke-stealing rumors and, while he's certainly no Carlin or Oswalt, he makes me laugh. I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that his scenes will end up in a montage on YouTube in a few months; watching the HBO behind-the-scenes special on the film, I laughed more at Mencia - doing his interviews in character - than at any other moment.)

What more can I say but...

"If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic!"
Jay Prescott Sherman (voice of Jon Lovitz) on "The Critic" - "Eyes on the Prize"

There are copies on Amazon.com. Don't make yet another 'comedy of embarrassment' into a hit. The cycle of (moviegoer) abuse must end now.