The worst movies I've ever seen.

We all have it. That list of movies that we'd be forced to watch, A Clockwork Orange-style, if we ended up in Hell. Here are 900 minutes (give or take) that I'll never be seeing again:

10. King Cobra - Every worst of list ought to have one Sci-Fi Channel caliber direct-to-tape (or DVD or whatever the hell people watch movies at home with) film on it. This one, about a giant snake terrorizing a small town wastes time and an interesting cast (Erik Estrada's campy turn is a particular lowpoint).

9. Valentine - Tom Savage's novel is an evocative and exciting read, but the people behind this cardboard adaptation must've not seen the book. An attractive cast can only carry this so far...then the second act starts and your patience is gone.

8. Overnight Delivery - Hey, do you enjoy romantic comedies, but hate having to deal with the troublesome burden of likable characters? This is the movie for you. Almost worth seeing for bits with Larry Drake and a pre-Saw Tobin Bell...almost.

7. Blank Check - A prime example of Hollywood's sadistic attitude that something made for kids doesn't have to be good. A pathetic Home Alone rip-off (especially at the climax) and a waste of some terrific character actors.

6. Jingle All the Way - I've already gone into excruciating detail on why I dislike this movie.

5. Scary Movie 2 - Granted, the first one was also tasteless, gross and loaded with obvious jokes and pop culture references, but at least it remembered to actually be funny every once in a while. Really, what the hell happened with this one?

4. Loser - Empathy is a hell of a thing. When someone's going through a trying time, you hope that they find a way to get out of it, or, at the very least, cripple the persons responsible for their hardships. Of course, Jason Biggs' Paul is too nice a guy to put a hit out on his douchebag dormmates and Mena Suvari's Dora puts up with her condescending professor boyfriend because...I couldn't goddamn tell you. It takes true gumption to piss away the goodwill generated by a critical/commercial hit like Clueless, but Amy Heckerling somehow pulled it off. Bravo to you.

3. 40 Days and 40 Nights - First off, wouldn't it be 48 days (from Ash Wednesday to Easter) and nights? Second, this alleged comedy suffers from unlikable characters, weak humor, a lead actor completely unsuited for a film like this and a penultimate scene that is one of the most hateful moments I've ever experienced in a film. How could the same director be responsible for this and my beloved Hudson Hawk?!

2. Year One - I also summed this movie up, but I can't stop bitching about it. The fine cast, the (once-)esteemed director...did no one question the shittiness of the script while they were filming?!

1. Welcome to the Dollhouse - Perhaps the most critically-acclaimed of the movies on the list. Was grade school really so long ago for the critics? Call it 'emotional torture porn'; an unpleasant 90 minute slog through hell with repugnant characters (and strangely, this also includes the nominal heroine) and a story that goes nowhere and takes its sweet time getting there. In short, a movie for those days when bamboo shoots simply won't do.

By the way, this list was first concocted around 2004, which would explain the absence of Transformers and the Friedberg-Seltzer oevure. Yet, I added a movie from last year. So, what's the implication? That I'd rather watch something like Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans than a movie stuffed with comic talent and directed by Harold Ramis? Yes. Yes, it is.