"It's Turbo time!"

...or 'Things that Suck: Jingle All the Way. (Apologies to Jaime Weinman.)

At a message board I frequent, there was a thread about the 1996 holiday comedy Jingle All the Way. Recently named 'the worst Christmas movie ever' (source not identified), it was defended by nearly everyone who posted and there are a number of topics at the IMDb that second the defense in spite of the film's '4.7' rating. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Maybe it's not the worst Christmas movie of all time, but it's surely in the top three and the worst I've ever seen.

I whipped up a pie chart showing why I think this film is so terrible: (And, really, it takes a special kind of freak to use a FRIGGIN' PIE CHART to show how and why he hated a movie, don't you think?)

Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has too much time for work, but not enough for his wife, Liz (Rita Wilson) and son, Jamie (Jake Lloyd). [cliched plot - 17.5%] Howard was unable to make it to Jamie's karate practice, but he wants to make up for it. Jamie wants a Turbo Man action figure. Sounds simple enough, yes? No. As it turns out, Turbo Man is the hottest thing since sunburn and Howard isn't the only person who waited until the last minute to get one. (Sidebar: it's the day before Christmas and everyone in town is scraping for this doll. Surely, someone's child would've made mention of it long before then, right? Anyone? Bueller?)

Disgruntled postal worker Myron Larabee (Sinbad) [wasting of Sinbad - 19%] has issues - serious, treatable-with-psychiatric-help ones - with his profession and, on top of that, he's looking for this toy for his son. "Some fruity robot called Turtle Man." The toy store opens and then...pandemonium. Adults knock each other over to search for Turbo Man. [unfunny slapstick - 27.2%] Howard and Myron - literally - trip each other up in searching for it...only to find that it's not there.

Meanwhile, good neighbor Ted (Phil Hartman) [wasting of Phil Hartman - 22.8%] can't help but make time with Liz while Howard is gone...just as he has with a number of wives on the block.

Something I neglected to mention on the chart (but, for the sake of argument, let's file it under...I don't know, 'unfunny slapstick') is the fact that the film doesn't believe too strongly in character. Howard and Myron seem to be moved around by the script, much like...a child playing with a Turbo Man. Myron's rants don't reveal much about him and Howard is the standard 'dad must go through contrived hardships to become a better parent'. ['cyborg barbarian...from DE FUTURE! as sitcom dad?' - 12%; by the way, the expression comes from one of the few clear-thinking individuals at the aforementioned thread that inspired this post. Say it with a slightly spastic Austrian accent and it's a million times funnier.]

There are a lot of talented people in this film, but almost all of them are stranded. If you've seen him on television or in Houseguest, you know that Sinbad can be a likable, funny guy. This film allows him to be neither. Phil Hartman (Heaven rest him) has enlivened many a bad movie with simply his presence, but Ted is more of a plot device than a character. Arnold is, to put it mildly, miscast, but, as his next big movie proved, he can be very funny. Rita Wilson is a good actress, but saddled with such a thankless role, one could hardly blame her for not bringing her A-game. [non-effort of Rita Wilson - 1.5%] I'm no Star Wars devotee, so I couldn't tell you if Jake Lloyd was better or worse than he was in The Phantom Menace.

And then, we have the many familiar faces that pop up throughout, yet add very little: Martin Mull as a DJ. Chris Parnell as one of the toy store employees. Robert Conrad as a cop whom Howard constantly runs afoul of (...so, he turns down Wild Wild West, but signs on for this? Whatever.). Jim Belushi as a shady mall Santa...okay, he was all right here.

What little enjoyment I got from this film came from two elements: 1) Curtis Armstrong. The one-time Charles De Mar is hilarious as a bitter actor having to play Turbo Man's sidekick, Booster, in the climactic parade. His character has, apparently, seen it all; perhaps a little too much and just lives for the paycheck, even if it means having to get this down and dirty. (Yeah, it's not like the film was going to afford such depth to the character, but Armstrong was good enough to inspire me...and his delivery of the line "Where the hell have you been? Geez, I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up!" is priceless.)

And 2) David Newman's score. His resume is filled with silly comedies, but he's bestowed each of them with his usual craft. Jingle All the Way is no exception. The main theme blares heroically over the opening credits and his integration of electronics along with the orchestra is as impressive as ever. What a great surprise a score album would make for the holidays. (hint, hint, Intrada, get off your duffs)

Now, I merely did this for some understanding behind my position. It's not like I'm inviting people to hate this film along with me...unless, it works, of course.