8:32 "Tonight, we honor Hollywood's best and whitest-- brightest!"

8:33 Anna Kendrick joins NPH in honoring Hollywood.

8:34 Okay, I'm nominating Jack Black for next year's Oscar host.

8:36 Neat song. It was written by the Lopezes (Frozen).

8:38 Lupita Nyong'o presents Best Supporting Actor. The Oscar goes to...J.K. Simmons (1/24). Gave a very nice speech. I should listen to my parents more.

8:45 NPH's Oscar predictions are under guard by Octavia Spencer. Hey, it's not a pizza party, right?

8:46 Liam Neeson introduces Best Picture nominees The Grand Budapest Hotel and American Sniper.

8:49 Dakota Johnson (let's focus on the third-generation thing, not the 50 Shades thing) introduces Adam Levine performing "Lost Stars" from Begin Again.

8:52 Okay, seriously, is that Lady Gaga?

8:56 Jennifer Lopez and Chris Pine present Best Costume Design. The Oscar goes to...Milena Canonero for The Grand Budapest Hotel (2/24). Almost had a win in each decade; shame about the 90s.

9:00 "So delicious, you could eat her up with her spoon." I think it's worse that I got it than if I hadn't. Reese Witherspoon presents Best Make-Up. The Oscar goes to...The Grand Budapest Hotel. Okay, was the Guardians of the Galaxy make-up not impressive enough? Look at what they did to Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Karen Gillan and Michael Rooker. Unbelievable.

9:03 Channing Tatum tells us of budding filmmakers who will get to present Oscars tonight.

9:08 Nicole Kidman and Chiwetel Ejiofor...okay, how tall is she? Oh, yeah. Presenting Best Foreign Language Film. The Oscar goes to...Ida (3/24). Huh. Go figure. Man, he's really going. He might only get the one shot. Can't blame him for taking advantage.

9:13 Shirley MacLaine with Best Picture nominees Boyhood, The Theory of Everything and Birdman.

9:17 Marion Cotillard introduces Tegan and Sara and the Lonely Island performing "Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie...and, hey, "Darkness (Untitled Self-Portrait)" made it to the Oscars, after all.

9:24 Kerry Washington and Jason Bateman present Best Live Action Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."The Phone Call".

9:28 Continuing with Best Documentary Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1" (4/24).

9:31 Just think: if Viola Davis had won for The Help, she likely wouldn't be on "How to Get Away with Murder". Anyway, she's telling of the many Lifetime Achievement Awards.

9:33 According to Twitter, that really was Will Arnett in the Lego Batman suit. Holy crapballs.

9:35 Gwyneth Paltrow introduces Tim McGraw singing "I'm Not Gonna Miss You" from Glen Campbell: I'll Be Me.

9:42 Okay, where's Neil? Locked out of his dressing room? Come on. Nothing suits him like a suit...oh, I get it. Birdman reference...crossed with some Whiplash.

9:43 Harley Quinn and Mr. Fantastic regale us with the Scientific and Technical Awards ceremony.

9:45 Sienna Miller and Chris Evans present the Sound Mixing award. The Oscar goes to...Whiplash.

9:48 Sound Editing award next. The Oscar goes to...American Sniper.

9:51 Jared Leto presenting Best Supporting Actress. The Oscar goes to...Patricia Arquette for Boyhood (5/24). Nice of her to give Emma Stone a hug. Fun fact: at the beginning of her career, Stone shared a scene with Arquette on "Medium". Blew my mind when I found out the other day...and now, she's going full-on Sarandon. It's her moment. Let the rest of the net rip on her.

9:59 Gotta love Robert Duvall wanting no part of NPH's security nonsense.

10:00 Josh Hutcherson introduces Rita Ora performing "Grateful" from Beyond the Lights, apparently one of the best movies of last year that no one saw.

10:03 Ansel Elgort and Chloe Grace Moretz (Tommy and Carrie in the Carrie remake!) present Best Visual Effects. The Oscar goes to...Interstellar. Oh, bullshit.

10:06 Kevin Hart and Anna Kendrick present Best Animated Short Film. The Oscar goes to..."Feast" (6/24).

10:09 Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson present best Animated Feature. The Oscar goes to...Big Hero 6. Loved the film, but was so hoping for a Laika triumph.

10:17 "Presenting the President...of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences." Ha.

10:20 Chris Pratt and Felicity Jones present Best Production Design. The Oscar goes to...The Grand Budapest Hotel (7/24).

10:23 Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain present Best Cinematography. The Oscar goes to...Emmanuel Lubezki for Birdman (8/24).

10:30 Meryl Streep introduces the Obituary montage.

10:35 Jennifer Hudson sings a tribute.

10:42 Naomi Watts and Benedict Cumberbatch present Best Editing. The Oscar goes to...Tom Cross for Whiplash.

10:46 Terrence Howard with the last three Best Picture nominees: Whiplash, The Imitation Game and Selma.

10:49 Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo present Best Documentary Feature. The Oscar goes to...CitizenFour.

10:58 Octavia Spencer's not watching NPH's nominations. Oh, wait. She's introducing Common and John Legend performing Selma's "Glory".

11:04 Idina Menzel getting some payback on John Travolta and presenting Best Original Song. The Oscar goes to..."Glory" from Selma. Didn't see that coming.

11:12 Scarlett Johansson introducing a tribute to The Sound of Music...and Lady Gaga (seriously?!) performing a medley of its songs.

11:20 OMG. It's Julie Andrews...and she's here to present Best Original Score (about damn time!). The Oscar goes to...Alexandre Desplat's The Grand Budapest Hotel (9/24). Fuck yeah!

11:29 Eddie Murphy presents Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to...Birdman. Hmmm.

11:33 Oprah Winfrey presents Best Adapted Screenplay. The Oscar goes to...The Imitation Game. Hmmm, again. I'm totally taken aback here...and Graham Moore's an American?! Whosa-jigga-what? Okay, got a little heavy just then. (I'm presuming he's gay. Speaking of gay Oscar-winning scribes, whatever became of Dustin Lance Black? After a marvelous script for Milk, he did J. Edgar, then nothing. So weird.)

11:41 "Benedict Cumberbatch" takes the stage, presenting Best Director. The Oscar goes to...Alejandro Gonzales Innarritu for Birdman.

11:48 Oh, boy. Cate Blanchett with Best Actor. The Oscar goes to...Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything. Fucking bullshit!

11:53 I'll bring myself to care about the rest of the show, but don't hold your breath. Matthew McConaughey presents Best Actress. The Oscar goes to...Julianne Moore. (10/24). Freaking finally.

12:00 NPH's Oscar predictions are unleashed. Pretty dead-on.

12:03 Presenting Best Picture is Sean Penn. (For the record, I thought his joke was funny.) The Oscar goes to...Birdman. Whoa.

Well, another Oscar ceremony down. Feeling a little chilly, so I'm hitting the sack. I'll fix any mistakes in the morning. Night, y'all.