Mr. Cellophane

In a location adjacent to a place in a city of some significance, what comes out of my head is plastered on the walls of this blog.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

No one will be seated when the robot goes topless.

A year ago today, the site Topless Robot (its name having been changed to The Robot's Voice in the year prior) printed its last article. It was a bittersweet thing, as I'd visited and posted at that site several times.

One of the features of the long-ago site was its weekly contests, where one could enter to win a Topless Robot t-shirt or some kind of prize.

Oftentimes, I thought that I would never win a shirt; other people's entries were better than mine.

Then came one day - April 9, 2011 (thank you, Internet Wayback Machine!). The weekend contest was 'Future Casualties of American Imperialism'. Basically, the people had to take a foreign property and re-package it for American dumbed down as you could imagine.

My entry went a little something like this (taken from memory because the Wayback Machine can't do everything):

"He made you laugh in Little Nicky. He made you cry in Click. And now, Adam Sandler (and where has he been in this contest?) takes on his greatest role to date: Adam Sandler is...Blackadder. Eddie Blackadder, with the help of his sidekick and whipping boy Baldrick (Rob Schneider), must endure many trials (and groin hits) to win the heart of the bratty-yet-beloved Queen Liz (Emily Blunt, too good for this cowpie, but then, most of the actresses in his movies are). He is undermined at every turn by the pious, double-dealing Lorry Melchett (played by Ashton Kutcher, because at this point, why not?). Another of Eddie's pals is Percy Percy (Nick Swardson), who has to put up with a lot of jokes about his name. Can Eddie concoct a cunning plan to get the girl? It's a Sandler movie. What do you think? The auteur behind Just Go with It and Grown Ups delivers his finest work yet, this fall. Now, excuse me whilst I cry in the shower."

So, how did I do? Witness:

It would be the only shirt I would win, despite several more attempts. I remember trying to wear it at New York Comic Con in 2011. I wore it off the plane Friday morning and poured sweat into it while searching for my hotel. I was forced to change into another shirt by the time I found my hotel.

Subsequent attempts to wear it at Cons (C2E2 in 2013, Fan Expo Canada in 2014) have gone unnoticed. I long for the day when I get to wear it to a future convention and someone comes up to me and says, 'Man, I remember that website!' or 'What is a Topless Robot?' 

It's likely the only use I can get out of the shirt before I grow out of it. I doubt it's worth a lot of money.

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