“It was 1980-something...”

The Disqus board that I frequent often lists the program highlights for every night. One of the highlights (he said, sarcastically) was the season finale of "The Goldbergs":

Geoff shares with the JTP that he is planning on asking Erica to marry him and gives them the engagement ring for safekeeping.

If I was anywhere near as invested in the relationship as the show clearly wants me to be, I'd be worried that the guys would screw up a simple task like this. Quite the contrary. I'm rooting for Lucky (and whatever happened to that dog?) to swallow the damn thing and shit it out in a sewer grate.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm not much of a fan of the Erica/Geoff relationship. I've never been. The fourth season would often interrupt hilarious episodes with excruciating bits of business where Erica would lust for Geoff even though he was in a relationship with Evy. The person who posted the highlights chased the episode description with their own two cents:

UGH! Why is this relationship still around?! He should be with Evy! She was great for him.

Cards on the table: neither girl was right for Geoff. Both relationships were cut from the same toxic "Jump!" "How high, darling?" cloth. The eighth season, with Geoff’s ever-growing emasculation, is borderline-unwatchable for this reason. It was good to see the two of them break up and maybe - just maybe - grow up as well-rounded people, but her inability to let him go is painful beyond words. Having to witness Hayley Orrantia play these notes is right down there with Nancy Travis reading the children's book in the remake of The Vanishing and every moment Elisabeth Shue was on-screen in Behaving Badly; where you are so embarrassed for a performer and what they’re made to go through, it physically hurts.

For these reasons, I'm very much hoping that Erica says 'no' to Geoff's proposal. Maybe now, she can stand on her own feet, which she hasn't done in a while. Sure, this may leave a sour taste in some viewers' mouths, but there's nothing that some comforting Patton Oswalt narration can't salve.

I sincerely hope that people aren't wanting Erica to say 'yes' (and given how emotionally unstable she's been this season, is anyone really expecting her to respond in the negative?) and anyone who's watched more than a handful of episodes of this show can guess why: Beverly freaking Goldberg.

I have nothing against the real woman, but the character - an acquired taste even on her best days - has reached Def-Con 1 levels of obnoxiousness (and you can't help but wonder if the character basically being allowed to get away with murder has anything to do with Wendi McLendon-Covey being given more creative control). The woman is basically a Karen who expects to be loved not despite her Karenness, but because of it, so just imagine her reaction to her only daughter getting married. (Never mind that Erica hasn't even finished college yet, or maybe she has; she's so defined by her relationship with Geoff, who the Christ even knows? Hell, she could still be in high school.)

Hey, remember when this show was about Adam and his interests? Nowadays, all we see of him is his relationship with Brea (and you wanna tell me he isn't punching way above his weight class with her?) and the subtle ways he tries to screw it up.

Back when "The Goldbergs" and "The Middle" were airing concurrently, I would often remark that Barry Goldberg and Axl Heck were made out of the same component parts, except Barry is a perpetual motion machine of comedy and Axl is a giant douchelord. The show has walked the razor's edge between these extremes the last few years, threatening to tip over whenever Barry got too conceited or mistreated Matt Bradley out of nowhere.

[One gets the sense that, if this show weren’t about hugging and learning and laughing, you could really dig into a story about how a woman’s pathetically co-dependent relationship with her children ends up turning them into emotional terrorists destined to screw up - if not dominate - every relationship they try to embark upon...but good luck getting that project out of the co-author of goddamn Fanboys.]

Of all the characters in the titular family, the only one who hasn't been Flanderized in some way is Murray. Go to work, come home, drop his pants and sit in front of the TV, enjoy a nice dinner, yell at his bonehead kids...for real, are you sure this isn't my dad?. No matter how deep the writers may be in WM-C's pocket, Murray's a pretty difficult character to fuck up.

The show has been renewed for a ninth season. One would think that the passing of George Segal and the syndication money rolling in after eight years would be enough to call it a day with a shred of dignity. Oh, well. This show can go on for four more years if it wants. I won't be there for them.

Still, the whole Erica saga has been good for something. As an aspiring writer, it’s important for your characters to have multiple dimensions and as such, here’s the lesson that the show has unwittingly imparted:

Make sure that your female characters have more substantive motivations than looking for men.

No way can I fail heeding advice like this.