“Life is like a hurricane…”

Roger Feigelson and, no doubt, the late, great Doug Fake have proved themselves tougher than the toughies and smarter than the smarties, because by the time you see this post, the two-CD release of Ron Jones‘s music for the 1987 series “DuckTales” will have been released by Intrada Records. I know better than to do the whole ‘posting what else I would like in this release’s vein’ thing on public forums, but we’re not on public forms. We’re on my blog, so here are a few other releases from Disney cartoon shows I would love to see put out sometime between now and my (undoubtedly food-related) death:

1. TaleSpin (Christopher L. Stone) - The next logical choice for a TV soundtrack release if “DuckTales” is a decent seller (he said, wryly). I had a CD-R of Stone's 40-minute promo back when I first got into obtaining CD-Rs, so, of course, it's practically unlistenable now. All the more reason.

2. Spider-Man (Udi Harpaz) - Technically, it is Disney. A lot of Saban-produced shows and movies in the 90s had orchestral music that the projects didn't really deserve. I genuinely feel that this may have the highest chance of getting a release.

3. Kim Possible (Adam Berry) - No, it's not orchestral, but it is colorful as shit and, sometimes, that's all you need.

And, as long as I'm playing with house money, let's flip around to some other channels with shows whose music I'd love to see released:

Nickelodeon

1. The Penguins of Madagascar (Adam Berry) - As with all of his scores for McCorkle/Schooley shows (see above), Berry’s music is nicely catchy and the jazzy edge is a welcome mix with his energy.

2. My Life as a Teenage Robot (James L. Venable) - The show’s sci-fi/action feel gave Venable a lot to work with and he delivered.

3. The Angry Beavers (Charlie Brissette) - Brissette clearly had a blast with the movie, TV and song parodies he wove into his music. Name me another composer who would reference the theme music from Good Neighbor Sam (“Dag’s List”)!

There are two other shows I'd love the soundtracks for, but there's a big ol' asterisk next to them. May as well pull off the Band-Aid:

Invader Zim (Kevin Manthei)* - Technically, this was released. On a 77-minute promo CD I was lucky enough to obtain and on a mini-CD containing every note that Manthei wrote for the show that I was also lucky enough to obtain. As soon as I find a way to play the latter, I am set.

Ren and Stimpy (too damn many composers to list here)* - The stock music utilized for the many episodes came from Raymond Scott (and I have an album featuring most of them) and a number of production houses. A YouTube user has done great work cataloging the pieces and the episodes in which they were used, but I wouldn't mind a professional pair of hands.

Saturday morning (and elsewhere) mashup:

Beetlejuice (Acrobat Music) - What can I tell you? I've been re-watching the show on MeTVToons and it reminded me of how fun the background music was. The collective known as Acrobat Music did a fine job and even threw in some neat variations on the theme Elfman wrote for the show.

Futurama (Christopher Tyng) - You'd think that this would've found its way out in the Comedy Central era (We got a CD of “Family Guy” scoring. Why not strike while the iron is hot?), but better late than never. Or sooner. It's only a matter of time before Hulu loses interest in financing new seasons, leading to this never coming out.

Galaxy High (Don Felder) - Stemming from an earworm of a theme song, the former Eagle’s underscoring was quite delightful.

Green Eggs and Ham (David Newman) - Each episode score was recorded with a 70-piece orchestra. Add to that the labels' collective allergy to taking a chance on further Newman albums and you have a classic case of pissing in the wind. It's not fair.

Inspector Gadget (Haim Saban and Shuki Levy) - All I want is for some label to come through with this show's underscore the way that La La Land did with Saban/Levy's “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” back in 2012. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Jim Latham - Yes, I know this isn't a cartoon. This is a composer. A damn talented one who provided the music for just about every Sony movie spin-off cartoon series. “Men in Black”. “Jumanji”. “Extreme Ghostbusters”. All deserving of releases. Oh, hell, let's throw in “Godzilla”and “Jackie Chan Adventures” for the sake of completism.

ReBoot (Robert Buckley) - Honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve watched this show, but I have fond memories of Buckley’s underscore. Surely, there’s something about this to appeal to others.

Sailor Moon (Bob Summers) - Summers released a digital album of his tracks a few years ago, but a more comprehensive version would be very welcome. Don't think so? Even people who hated (?!) the DiC dub loved the music.

Tiny Toon Adventures (various) - If nothing else, the chance to hear veteran composers go full Stalling (Broughton, Stevens, Rosenthal, Rubinstein) is worth preservation. 

Xiaolin Showdown (Kevin Manthei) - With a more expansive scope than “ZIM” (appropriate, considering the show’s many characters and settings), Manthei produced some exceptional music.

A boy can dream, can't he?

"Very loose butthole."

Apparently, there was a whiteboard in the writers' room for Comedy Central's "Workaholics" loaded with cliched comic lines that the writers were to avoid when writing the show. 

Posted on Twitter a few years back, someone took the time to transcribe the many expressions on that board. 

And the sad thing is that this is likely just a partial list of the eye-rolling audience goosers out there.

Talk about..."Talk About".

One thing I loved about staying home from school in the late 80s and early 90s were the game shows. The allure of cash and prizes. The vicarious thrill of success or failure as ordinary folks competed for a few fleeting moments of glory.

One of my favorites of those halcyon days was the Canadian-based series "Talk About". All you had to do was pick a subject to talk about in 20 seconds and the more keywords you listed, the more you succeeded.

Fun and pretty simple stuff. Well, a good deal more than avoiding those damned Whammies or guessing a song using only three notes.

Well, Buzzr has brought "Talk About" back and...well, this is just another example of why some memories are better left in the past. Not to be too acidic, but a lot of the contestants on this show are cretins; almost like they intentionally pick the subjects they know jack shit about. A pair held court over five games and even they weren't immune to this situation.

Well, there were a bunch of game shows on back then. Maybe, revisiting another one will lift my spirits. "Supermarket Sweep" is on Buzzr, too.

“It was 1980-something...”

The Disqus board that I frequent often lists the program highlights for every night. One of the highlights (he said, sarcastically) was the season finale of "The Goldbergs":

Geoff shares with the JTP that he is planning on asking Erica to marry him and gives them the engagement ring for safekeeping.

If I was anywhere near as invested in the relationship as the show clearly wants me to be, I'd be worried that the guys would screw up a simple task like this. Quite the contrary. I'm rooting for Lucky (and whatever happened to that dog?) to swallow the damn thing and shit it out in a sewer grate.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm not much of a fan of the Erica/Geoff relationship. I've never been. The fourth season would often interrupt hilarious episodes with excruciating bits of business where Erica would lust for Geoff even though he was in a relationship with Evy. The person who posted the highlights chased the episode description with their own two cents:

UGH! Why is this relationship still around?! He should be with Evy! She was great for him.

Cards on the table: neither girl was right for Geoff. Both relationships were cut from the same toxic "Jump!" "How high, darling?" cloth. The eighth season, with Geoff’s ever-growing emasculation, is borderline-unwatchable for this reason. It was good to see the two of them break up and maybe - just maybe - grow up as well-rounded people, but her inability to let him go is painful beyond words. Having to witness Hayley Orrantia play these notes is right down there with Nancy Travis reading the children's book in the remake of The Vanishing and every moment Elisabeth Shue was on-screen in Behaving Badly; where you are so embarrassed for a performer and what they’re made to go through, it physically hurts.

For these reasons, I'm very much hoping that Erica says 'no' to Geoff's proposal. Maybe now, she can stand on her own feet, which she hasn't done in a while. Sure, this may leave a sour taste in some viewers' mouths, but there's nothing that some comforting Patton Oswalt narration can't salve.

I sincerely hope that people aren't wanting Erica to say 'yes' (and given how emotionally unstable she's been this season, is anyone really expecting her to respond in the negative?) and anyone who's watched more than a handful of episodes of this show can guess why: Beverly freaking Goldberg.

I have nothing against the real woman, but the character - an acquired taste even on her best days - has reached Def-Con 1 levels of obnoxiousness (and you can't help but wonder if the character basically being allowed to get away with murder has anything to do with Wendi McLendon-Covey being given more creative control). The woman is basically a Karen who expects to be loved not despite her Karenness, but because of it, so just imagine her reaction to her only daughter getting married. (Never mind that Erica hasn't even finished college yet, or maybe she has; she's so defined by her relationship with Geoff, who the Christ even knows? Hell, she could still be in high school.)

Hey, remember when this show was about Adam and his interests? Nowadays, all we see of him is his relationship with Brea (and you wanna tell me he isn't punching way above his weight class with her?) and the subtle ways he tries to screw it up.

Back when "The Goldbergs" and "The Middle" were airing concurrently, I would often remark that Barry Goldberg and Axl Heck were made out of the same component parts, except Barry is a perpetual motion machine of comedy and Axl is a giant douchelord. The show has walked the razor's edge between these extremes the last few years, threatening to tip over whenever Barry got too conceited or mistreated Matt Bradley out of nowhere.

[One gets the sense that, if this show weren’t about hugging and learning and laughing, you could really dig into a story about how a woman’s pathetically co-dependent relationship with her children ends up turning them into emotional terrorists destined to screw up - if not dominate - every relationship they try to embark upon...but good luck getting that project out of the co-author of goddamn Fanboys.]

Of all the characters in the titular family, the only one who hasn't been Flanderized in some way is Murray. Go to work, come home, drop his pants and sit in front of the TV, enjoy a nice dinner, yell at his bonehead kids...for real, are you sure this isn't my dad?. No matter how deep the writers may be in WM-C's pocket, Murray's a pretty difficult character to fuck up.

The show has been renewed for a ninth season. One would think that the passing of George Segal and the syndication money rolling in after eight years would be enough to call it a day with a shred of dignity. Oh, well. This show can go on for four more years if it wants. I won't be there for them.

Still, the whole Erica saga has been good for something. As an aspiring writer, it’s important for your characters to have multiple dimensions and as such, here’s the lesson that the show has unwittingly imparted:

Make sure that your female characters have more substantive motivations than looking for men.

No way can I fail heeding advice like this.

Things are a little shaky right now, what with everything still being shut down and me awaiting the results of a corona test that I'm very afraid will bear fruit.

Still, not all is dogshit. Just now, I found out that 1998's reboot of "Fantasy Island" is streaming. Not on Crackle, because having a Sony program on Sony's exclusive streaming service would be far too logical. The show is available on the online streaming service provided by Canadian network CTV. The point is that the show is finally available on streaming and - much like "Duckman" so many years ago - I plan to review the whole damn thing...if that test comes up negative, of course.

A chorus punchline.

If you've watched enough television, I'm sure you're familiar with how the songs on "WKRP in Cincinnati" perfectly matched the scenes for which they were tracked. Or that one bit in the "Road Worrier" episode of "Daria" that was a take-off of the REM video "Everybody Hurts". Sadly, the mood of both of these examples was marred by the replacement of less-expensive sound-alike music for the DVD releases.

And this isn't even exclusive to television. Apparently, Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl" is expensive as shit nowadays because, while watching Fatal Instinct on Hulu, I found that the scene that originally utilized the song - a take-off of the inexplicable 'dress-up' montage from Sleeping with the Enemy, and does the Blu-Ray of this movie even still have the song? - used a completely different tune. The scene is still amusing, but it loses something minus this vital component. Just weird.

Watching "Once Upon a Time" (don't laugh). Snow and Charming were flung into the air, unable to ask a special tree a question. The reason it didn't answer them is because she is with child.

I know the child turns out fine, but was this not hashed out in the story conference?!

Watching an old Sci-Fi Channel ad on YouTube inspired me to seek out when the network was awesome (and the people running it could spell).

Lo and behold: Old Sci-Fi Channel schedules!

Back to 'New York'.

Nope, I'm not returning to New York City (and certainly not for New York Comic Con, where I could've met, among others, Christopher Lloyd and Carrie Fisher), but the Simpsons are in tonight's season premiere airing roughly twelve hours from now...or exactly twelve hours from now. I mean, this is Fox Network in the midst of football season. Dig this:

The family travels to New York in search of Bart's long-lost love.

The whole 'long-lost love that we've never seen or heard about before tonight' aspect aside - two things: a) If people must put Bart with someone out of the many girls he's been involved with, I've always preferred Laura Powers ("New Kid on the Block") and b) how is it that this punk is pulling down more ass than people three times as old?! - I'm not too keen on the Simpsons going (back) to New York City. I can spot a slow day in an animation writers' room at twenty paces (cf. about a sixth of "Kim Possible's" entire run) and this reeks of 'Let's get this shit knocked out. The Chinese food is almost here!".

I'm not one of those knee-jerk jerkoffs that pooh-poohs every remake that Hollywood pukes out (matter of fact, two of my favorite movies from last year - Fright Night and Footloose - were remakes), but really, fuck this shit.

Tonight's premiere a remake? Of what? Let me point you in the direction of a little classic called "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson". The family travels to the Big Apple, despite Homer's (somewhat justified) protestations (and how much you wanna bet that those will be forgotten about in tonight's episode?).

Ten things I love about "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" (recalled from memory):

10. The ending. There's nothing quite like hearing Sinatra's "New York, New York" over a shot of Homer driving behind an open garbage truck.

9. "Look at all those shoes." "If only I didn't already have a pair of shoes." "Speaking of shoes, I don't care about shoes." Amen.

8. Bart taking a trip to Mad Magazine. This bit packs a lot of funny in a mere 60 seconds, from everyone else on Bart's elevator going to a methadone clinic to the sassy secretary ("No, we're Mademoiselle. We're getting our logo on the installment plan.") to the reveal of Mad's inner workings.

7. Homer's flashback to 70s New York. How many of us regular folk can say that they had an encounter with the Woody Allen?

6. Barney having to be the designated driver, if only for the dancing bowl of peanuts when Duffman and company arrive on the scene.

5. It's kind of nice to see the Twin Towers, even if "they put all the jerks in tower one."

4. "You will be assessed the fine, plus a small--" "Large lateness penalty." "Your parking officer's name is Steve--" "Grabowsky."

3. Homer's escape from the city. From trying to drive with a boot on his car, to (especially) "Everything is Beautiful" playing on the radio, Murphy's Law was on fire.

2. The Khlav Kalash vendor. The man knows how to push product and Homer's interactions with him are a riot. ("Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?")

1. The "I'm Checkin' In" musical number. A delightful tune and, all these years later, I could swear that the celeb en route to the Betty Ford Center was supposed to be Robert Downey, Jr. A little dated now, but, oh, well.

Two more things: a) None of this (my praise for "City of New York..." aside) matters much; I'm gonna be watching "Once Upon a Time" and b) Looks like I figured out how to post like in the good old days. Screw you, Blogger!

"Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together." - Kyle Broflovski

I'm rewatching last night's "South Park" and as an African-American who likes white girls, let me just say that any guy (or girl) who tries to Cartmanize my love life is gonna have to pick up their loose teeth with bloody stumps.

Okay, so I'm watching "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", a classic "Twilight Zone" episode. It gets to the end when all hell has broken loose. Rod Serling offers his (sadly) still-timely end monologue...but before he can finish it, the screen gets shoved off - shoved off! - to offer a brief promo for one of the Syfy Channel's new shows. It's bad enough when the end credits get smooshed to promote their shows, because they certainly don't run ads for them during every commercial break, but they fucking crossed a line here!

I mean, do the people in charge of the network even fucking watch "The Twilight Zone"?! Those pillow biters have some serious karmic payback coming.

It's the dearth of Halloween specials, Charlie Brown!

Ah, late October. The air gets colder, the days gets shorter, the Christmas decorations go up en masse. And, then, of course, there's the Halloween specials on TV...or lack thereof.

The root of this gripefest is the fact that I won't be catching the "Malcolm in the Middle" episode "Halloween" this year. The show doesn't air in syndication anymore, music rights issues have kept all but the first season off of DVD, Nick-at-Nite doesn't care about it and, thanks to the moronic dick-measuring contest between News Corp. and Cablevision, I, as a Dish Network subscriber, won't be seeing it on FX. But, as long as I'm here...

The local channels have only started airing the "The Simpsons" Halloween episodes. Best of luck packing twenty of them into four days! Really, how the crap does that happen?! Also, one of the local channels is playing some of the "Roseanne" episodes...at an oh-so-fashionable 6 AM timeslot.

Given that these two shows are, to my mind, the gold standard for Halloween episodes, the pickings are mighty slim for me (show-wise, anyway; you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a network playing a marathon of scary movies).

Now, I watch a lot of cartoons (as if you didn't know), so I've run across a lot of Halloween episodes over the years. Some of the lowlights from the last few years:
Kim Possible, "October 31st" - Christmas excepted, this show seems to have bad luck with holidays, like this outing, where a decent plot falls completely apart with its heavy-handed moralizing (Duff Killigan's last line will make you cringe).
The Mighty B, "Catatonic" - Just plain stupid, stupid, stupid. The episode that convinced me that this show was a big, fat mistake.
The Penguins of Madagascar, "I Was a Penguin Zombie" - I still maintain that if you have to resort to a non-ironic use of the overheard misunderstanding in this century, you have failed as a writer.
Danny Phantom, "Fright Knight" - Given the basic premise of the show, you'd honestly think that a Halloween episode would be a slam-dunk. Uh-uh. A dull story leading up to one of the most idiotic endings I've seen in the last decade of cartoon watching.
All Grown Up, "T.P + K.F." - This show was smart enough to navigate the minefield of forced shipping...except for here.
The Fairly Oddparents, "Scary Godparents" - I've spoken my piece about how this show and half-hour episodes don't hang. Maybe, you're better off watching the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" episode, "Halloween", instead (I say maybe, because I've never seen it).

I guess I should take solace in the fact that I'll, at least, get to see both "That 70s Show" Halloween episodes (now those episodes can stand shoulder to shoulder with your average "Treehouse of Horror").

(Wow. A post not about film music and longer than a couple of sentences. I'm as shocked as you.)

Seasonal rot.

I mentioned recently how I've fallen in love with the show "Malcolm in the Middle". Sadly, both Nick-at-Nite and FX are currently cycling through the first season. With a handful of exceptions (the episode "Stock Car Races", certain plots at the military school, Hal's 'birds and the bees' speech in "Cheerleader"), I'm disengaged with these episodes. Yet, paradoxically, this is the only season currently available on DVD (and double dumbass on you, 20th Century Fox! Here's an idea that'd be a stone-cold hoot for everyone: instead of spending valuable cash on something like Marmaduke, you could put together season sets of "Malcolm". This way, something of value gets put into the marketplace and you can look yourselves in the mirror without puking. Sounds like a win-win in my book.).

This kind of got me to thinking: why is it that some first seasons of TV shows are blah while others are near perfect? By definition, the first season is when the cast and crew are trying things out; seeing what works and what doesn't. In my experience, I've seen a lot of shows reach both ends of the spectrum, such as:

"I got it, I got it..."

Kim Possible: Seldom an unwatchable show, but before the forced shipping and ridiculous slang that would shame Diablo Cody, this show provided a strong mix of high school and adventure plotting. Not every episode hit the mark, but the home runs this show hit (far more than in any following season) were remarkable ("Sink or Swim", "Tick-Tick-Tick", "Low Budget", "Kimitation Nation", "Number One", "Attack of the Killer Bebes", "Mind Games", "Pain King vs. Cleopatra").

The Drew Carey Show: This show knew what it wanted to be right out the gate. The writing and rapport between the cast made this a fantastic show for its first few seasons.

The Fairly Oddparents: I don't think there's a soul that'd argue in favor of the later episodes. The first six are still hilarious and inventive, if cheapened by the current run.

"...I ain't got it."

The Kids in the Hall: Some fine sketches broken up by stretches of monotony. Put it like this: when I buy the seasons on DVD, I'm getting this one last.

Futurama: Though I like Billy West's Burgess Meredith impression for Farnsworth in these earlier episodes, I can't help but see the show struggling to find its footing.

The Angry Beavers: Perhaps I've said this too much, but I really believe the show went from fair to classic once the premise changed from 'ultra-smooth beaver and his dorky brother' to 'word-stretching beaver exasperated by the antics of his childlike brother'. The first season is built on the former, alas.

I just know that there are more shows, not just ones I've never seen, but, particularly, the ones I have.

"Change the channel!"

I've done my share of bitching about cable channels in the past (nowadays, TV is pretty much what's on in the background). Still, a thread at Toonzone got me to thinking: what channels would I change and how? Sadly, I've become one of those fuddy-duddys reminiscing (spelled it right, that time) about how things used to be. Here's a post because a) there's no way I could name one and b) I don't want to go a whole week without posting anything:

USA: This choice is fairly easy: bring back the sitcom reruns and game shows (GSN has clearly lost interest in many of the game show reruns I grew up with). Resurrecting 'Up All Night' isn't such a bad idea, either. Really, is Rhonda Shear doing anything these days?

SyFy: Time-warp it to the late 90s/early aughts: classic genre shows, MST3K reruns, anime on Saturday mornings, funny bumpers and do I even need to say 'change the effing title?!'

AMC: With the editing for television and commercial breaks, it's just like every other channel. Fix that crap...and bring back "Backstory".

DisneyXD: Change it back to Toon Disney. That's all I ask. Oh, and dipping into the Fox Kids library every now and then won't kill them.

Cartoon Network: The last few years of the channel have seen an unfortunate, ill-advised shift. This one is super-obvious: diversify the schedule. Who really needs four showings of "Chowder" and "Johnny Test" a day?

It's not too late to save cable television.

After thinking about "Sit Down, Shut Up" (arguably the best new animated show I've seen this year*) and "Drop Dead Diva" (arguably the best new live-action show I've seen this year), I thought about logging in to TVShowsonDVD.com so I can get news about when they might be coming to DVD. I logged back in, but I couldn't go through with signing up for e-mail notices. Two reasons supported this onset of reluctance:

a) I get enough reminders already from that site (Why do I need ten e-mails about the last season of "Scrubs"? Moreover, who gives a shit about compilation discs for "Futurama"?!).

b) This is one of the greatest tragedies of living in the internet age: no one can be surprised by fucking anything nowadays. Why rob myself of one of the few surprises that life can offer?

* - I'm not being unreasonable here. After all, the competition is "The Goode Family", "Glenn Martin, DDS", "DJ and the Fro" and "The Marvel Super Hero Squad"...but I gotta say, after the whole 'Cleveland Junior' spiel last night, "The Cleveland Show" shot right to #2.

"...and it's an ad for fucking pretzels!"

At a message board, the basic content of which I'm a little nervous about mentioning in mixed company, I was linked to a commercial ostensibly selling the Xbox 360. Given the premise and the "South Park"-like execution (cf. "Lil' Crime Stoppers"), I couldn't tell you what the fuck it was selling. Also, it was banned in America. Is it any wonder that we trail so many countries in education?

The ad reminded me, however, of a category I need to try and get posted at TV Tropes if it's not already there. The post title (also the potential name of the trope) comes from "Dennis Miller Live":

"TV commercials nowadays are unrecognizable from what they were twenty years ago. Now, you get these out-of-focus MTV jump-cuts with a throbbing techno soundtrack, writhing supermodels in tankinis simulating lesbian sex in the rain, a nun riding a yellow bike and a little barefoot kid in a Guatemalan village...and it's an ad for fucking pretzels."

This is the Xbox ad in question, by the way:

"Sheesh! Hundreds of channels and there's nothing on!"

What happened to television? Moreover, what happened to cable television?

Flipping through the cable listings, I saw that a rerun of "The Cougar" would be airing today on TV Land. A show like this on any channel would be weird enough, but that it's airing on TV Land, which allegedly shows classic television shows, is just stupid. When one watches a channel dedicated to a particular theme, one expects the channel to deliver. Whether it's a question of ratings (or outright stupidity), there's no reason for a network to abandon what it sets out to deliver to the audience.

Let's go down the dial (figure of speech) and see what's going on:

- E! Entertainment Television: reality shows with would-be celebutantes. Entertaining? Not in this universe.

- SciFi Channel (soon to be...I just can't type it out; I may as well substitute 'have' with 'of' in all future message board postings): a marathon of Uwe Boll movies...which is somehow less retarded than their original movies and occasional airings of wrestling. If not for the "Twilight Zone" marathons, would there be a reason to watch this network?

- American Movie Classics: Death Wish 3 is on right now. 'nuff said.

- MTV: marathons of "Viva La Bam", "My Super Sweet 16" and something called "Bully Beatdown". That's nice and all, but would it kill them to play a fucking music video once in a while?!

- CMT (short for Country Music Television): reruns of "Cribs" and "Nanny 911" and the movie Captain Ron. Ummm...yeah.

- Spike TV: Ultimate Fighting competitions...but since they stopped airing (or lost the rights to) "The Three Stooges" and shoved "MXC" into the wastelands of late night, who gives a shit what their brand is?

- Cartoon Network: Do I really have to tell you?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look for a good movie out with which to veg. There's gotta be something on, right?

"Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!"

I very nearly forgot, but thankfully remembered, that today marks the 10th anniversary of the premiere of "Futurama". I'll be straight with you: though I liked the characters, I think it took a while for any really great episodes to break out. The first season is full of funny moments, but, overall, nothing I'd consider noteworthy.

My picks for the ten best "Futurama" episodes:

10. Where No Fan Has Gone Before - With the head of Leonard Nimoy, the crew goes into forbidden space to retrieve the episode tapes of "Star Trek". One doesn't need to get all the references to enjoy this episode...but it helps.

9. Love and Rocket - Bender falls for the new voice (Sigourney Weaver) of the Planet Express ship. Unfortunately, she's not going to be ignored.

8. Bender Gets Made/Bendless Love (tie) - These may not be top ten material to others, but, hey, I love the Robot Mafia. The episodes are still pretty good, though. In 'Made', Bender blinds Leela and joins up with the mob (one of my all time favorite scenes on the show: "Forgive me, Donbot. I'm unable to make this week's loan payment. Look into your hard drive and open your mercy file." "File not found."), and in 'Love', Bender falls for a shapely scab at a bending factory.

7. Raging Bender - Bender floats like a float box and stings like an automated stinging machine as the newest member of Ultimate Robot Fighting.

6. A Head in the Polls - Bender sells his body for money (literally), but he can't get it back, as Nixon's head has appropriated it for a Presidential run. The post title is but one of many great lines in this episode.

5. Roswell That Ends Well - The crew ends up in Roswell, New Mexico circa 1947 and, while trying to get back, Zoidberg is captured, Bender's body is confiscated and Fry meets his grandfather. Fry's morning after scream is still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

4. Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television - Despite his cancer-causing thespian skills, Bender stumbles into a role on "All My Circuits", becoming its most popular - and imitatable - character.

3. The Sting - A dangerous mission leaves Fry dead and Leela stricken with guilt...but is he really gone? For my money, the strongest combination of humor and pathos the show's ever done. Look no further than the funeral scene for a skillful mix of the two.

2. War is the H-Word - Fry and Bender want to take advantage of a military discount, so they sign up. Unfortunately, war were declared leading them into battle with enemies possessing brains and chutzpah.

1. Xmas Story - Fry tries to get Leela an Xmas gift...and nearly falls from a digital clock in the process. Bender, meanwhile, rips off an old lady and free booze from a shelter for homeless robots. And Santa (John Goodman) goes berserk. One of the best holiday specials ever.

Duckman - Seasons 3 and 4 (part VII of VII)

The last disc. I've finally made it. (More on that, later.)

Short, Plush and Deadly (w: Lisa Latham; d: Jeff McGrath & Steve Ressel): The family goes on a camping trip. Also, Cornfed nearly dies due to bug bites. It's something of a weird coincidence that this and "Westward, No!" would be right next to each other in the show's production order. While this manages to suck less than that episode (thanks to some sharp lines throughout) the whole thing is dragged down by...well, why don't I let Fluffy and Uranus tell it: "You're being insulting, abusive, degrading..." "And not in the way we like!" Jerkass Duckman makes an unwelcome return, though seeing Fluffy and Uranus hulk out and threaten to go Prophecy on his hide was nice, even if the beatdown he deserved never came to pass.

How to Suck in Business Without Really Trying (w: Ellis Weiner; d: Jaime Diaz): Art DeSalvo convinces the financially-strapped Duckman to sell his likeness to the Variecom company. Unfortunately, this means that he can no longer use the name 'Duckman'. What follows is a Kafkaesque story, with a lot of laughs and a terrific song - "I've Finally Made It".

You've Come a Wrong Way, Baby (w: Gene Laufenberg & Howard Marguiles; d: Stig Bergquist): Bernice catches Mambo smoking. Her subsequent crusade against tobacco leads her and the family at the home of tobacco company head Walt Evergreen (Jim Varney). This episode is all over the place: the family ends up having to pick tobacco, but then, Agnes Delrooney reveals herself (making one question the placement of "Crime, Punishment..."), sending her and Duckman on the run and the deus ex machina ending with Tony Randall (an impersonation; the real Randall 'wouldn't return [their] calls'). It's entertaining enough, and Varney is terrific.

Hamlet 2: This Time It's Personal (w: David Misch; d: Anthony Bell): No "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" to be found here. It's essentially Duckman getting stuck in the story of "Hamlet" and Cornfed trying to get him out of it. Pretty clever re-telling, highlighted by the play put on by Duckman and the boys.

Das Sub (w: Gene Grillo and Michael Markowitz; d: Peter Avanzino): Duckman is sentenced to community service and acts as a substitute teacher. The main story is decent enough, but the bits with Duckman infuriating the judge (Burt Reynolds!) with nonsensical defenses of horror movie franchises provide the biggest laughs.

Where No Duckman Has Gone Before (w: Gene Laufenberg; d: Steve Loter): Captain Eric Tiberius Duckman finds himself locked in a death struggle with the nefarious Khan Chicken. Yep, it's a "Star Trek" parody, and an uproarious one, at that. A lot of sharp references lead to a disturbing (though still somewhat funny) ending.

Four Weddings Inconceivable (w: Michael Markowitz; d: Steve Ressel): The wedding of Dr. Ben Stein and the lovely Dana Reynard inspires a number of marriage proposals: Cornfed to Beverly, King Chicken to Bernice and Duckman to Honey ("Cock Tales for Four"). The drama nearly overwhelms the humor, but this is a good episode and would've made a fantastic series finale if not for one surprise. (About the surprise: if there are any "Duckman" writers out there in the blogosphere, and I know of at least one, thank you for your fine work and could you please tell me where you were going with the surprise? I'm willing to pay cash, credit and first-born children.)

Special features include:

- The opening of "I, Duckman" broken down to storyboards. (Personally, I like the gag used in the episode where, as Duckman ranted, he disappeared little by little, as opposed to in the boarding process where he shrank into nothingness.)

- A series of walk cycles and expressions for the characters. It was quite fascinating to see how something like a walk could define a character.

- The original, unaired pilot, with comments from Everett Peck and Gregg Berger ("Cornfed"). Some nice bits of information, but it was mostly stuff covered in the first set. Also, it would've been nice to a) see the pilot in full and b) hear some of the original choices for casting of the characters. Still, what's here is quite nice.

Overall, it was worth the wait to get the entire series on DVD.

Duckman - Seasons 3 and 4 (part VI of VII)

Ebony, Baby (w: Gene Grillo; d: Steve Loter): In seeking a better class of women, Duckman gets entangled in the world of private investigator Ebony Sable. Entertaining, if unremarkable, mix of blaxploitation tropes, helped by some good meta jokes.

Vuuck, as in Duck (w: Brett Baer & David Finkel; d: Jeff McGrath): The dying owner of a minor league baseball team bequeaths the ball club to Duckman, who (surprise, surprise) becomes more concerned with business than the joy of the game. Amusing, especially the scenes with the new players.

Crime, Punishment, War, Peace and the Idiot (w: Howard Margulies; d: Stig Bergquist): Grandma-ma remembers how, as a young woman, she was torn between two lovers and how she came to America. Hilarious takeoff of Russian literature (as if you couldn't tell from the episode title). I especially loved the names of the townsfolk.

Kidney, Popsicle and Nuts (w: David Silverman & Stephen Sustaric; d: Jaime Diaz): Duckman's in need of a new kidney, but the only person who can provide a new one is his father...who's a paranoid hermit hiding out in the Midwest. Not too bad, though what was with the James Brown cameo?

The Tami Show (w: Eva Almos & Ed Scharlach; d: Anthony Bell): Duckman accidentally backs over a cute young woman who, while staying at the house to recuperate, takes over the family. In other words, Sleeping with the Hand that Rocks the Unlawful Fatal Attraction. No classic, but immensely enjoyable.

My Feral Lady (w: Dan Gerson; story: Gerson & Reid Harrison; d: Peter Avanzino): Duckman gets a mail-order bride, who proves to be a little too wild. (Not in the good way.) The scenes of adjusting "Kathy Lee" to society are terrific, as is the song at the end.

Westward, No! (w: Jed Spingarn; d: Steve Loter): Duckman and Beverly go with Cornfed to help his Aunt Jane with her catfish(!) drive. There's no easy way to say it, but this episode sucks. The problems begin and end with the moronic decision to have Duckman act so unbearably jerkassy, ruining the progress of the drive and making time with Beverly (not coincidentally, Spingarn would go on to put "Johnny Bravo" through these same paces in that show's second season). Sure, Duckman isn't exactly Mr. Personality, but I've never wanted to reach into the screen and give him a Bernice-like beatdown like I did here. A few stray gags (including an amusing - if incredibly pointless - cameo from Ron Palillo) do not make up for the bad taste left by this misfire.