Mr. Cellophane

In a location adjacent to a place in a city of some significance, what comes out of my head is plastered on the walls of this blog.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Apparently, including the unfinished posts I'm sitting on (and too lazy to immediately complete), this is my 500th post.

Sadly, this is all I feel like writing: it's still snowing outside (the slushy kind) and I'm blocked from finishing the last few pages of my script. I still have tomorrow, though.

This is kind of the thing I'm doing: writing (or re-writing) a script every month for the first half of the year. Too many stars are aligning for me to not get things done.


Monday, February 22, 2010


Just read this:

I can't prove it, but I think I'm being punk'd.

Whether or not I am, there's no way that the girl behind this stopped flicking the bean long enough to write it.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Copping an attitude.

You know, the more I hear about Cop Out, the more it seems like Warner Bros. is subconsciously telling me not to see the film. I mean, Kevin Smith is a sure thing in terms of a good time at the movies, but...just look at the evidence:

- the nearly laugh-free previews (The lines don't have the 'I wish I were deaf' unbearability of Knocked Up's "Look out. He wants to rear your child." or anything from the trailers of American Wedding and I Love You, Beth Cooper, but bits like "I'm not going to shoot you, Frank...Scarface." don't exactly inspire confidence.)
- James Venable isn't doing the music (It's petty, I know, but this is more Smith's fault than the studio's; it was his decision to hire Harold Faltermeyer to get the '80s cop movie feeling'. Venable couldn't have provided that himself? His Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back score showed him to be a wizard at pastiche.)
- it, in now way, feels like a Kevin Smith film (I'll get to this later, but, so far, this looks like it could've been written and directed by anyone.)
- the motherfucking title change (What would you rather say to a ticket taker? "One for A Couple of Dicks."? or "One for Cop Out, please."? Be honest.)

Still, Smith's films are built on the bedrock of profanity-filled conversations and, while I'm well-aware that you can't include them in green-band trailers, I was hoping that there would be something - anything - that would appeal to me beside this. For all I know, the trailers could be selling the film short and that it's actually uproarious. Kind of like how the Year One trailer was hilarious and how the film ended up being one of the cruelest jokes that God ever played on humanity. It's a vicious circle.

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

As Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday this year, I'd like to pose a question that's not only romantic, but theological: Can you imagine a God who'd create a universe where a) meeting the right girl is impossible and b) masturbation is a sin?

What kind of fucked-up imagination concocts something so sadistic?!


Saturday, February 13, 2010

The worst movies I've ever seen.

We all have it. That list of movies that we'd be forced to watch, A Clockwork Orange-style, if we ended up in Hell. Here are 900 minutes (give or take) that I'll never be seeing again:

10. King Cobra - Every worst of list ought to have one Sci-Fi Channel caliber direct-to-tape (or DVD or whatever the hell people watch movies at home with) film on it. This one, about a giant snake terrorizing a small town wastes time and an interesting cast (Erik Estrada's campy turn is a particular lowpoint).

9. Valentine - Tom Savage's novel is an evocative and exciting read, but the people behind this cardboard adaptation must've not seen the book. An attractive cast can only carry this so far...then the second act starts and your patience is gone.

8. Overnight Delivery - Hey, do you enjoy romantic comedies, but hate having to deal with the troublesome burden of likable characters? This is the movie for you. Almost worth seeing for bits with Larry Drake and a pre-Saw Tobin Bell...almost.

7. Blank Check - A prime example of Hollywood's sadistic attitude that something made for kids doesn't have to be good. A pathetic Home Alone rip-off (especially at the climax) and a waste of some terrific character actors.

6. Jingle All the Way - I've already gone into excruciating detail on why I dislike this movie.

5. Scary Movie 2 - Granted, the first one was also tasteless, gross and loaded with obvious jokes and pop culture references, but at least it remembered to actually be funny every once in a while. Really, what the hell happened with this one?

4. Loser - Empathy is a hell of a thing. When someone's going through a trying time, you hope that they find a way to get out of it, or, at the very least, cripple the persons responsible for their hardships. Of course, Jason Biggs' Paul is too nice a guy to put a hit out on his douchebag dormmates and Mena Suvari's Dora puts up with her condescending professor boyfriend because...I couldn't goddamn tell you. It takes true gumption to piss away the goodwill generated by a critical/commercial hit like Clueless, but Amy Heckerling somehow pulled it off. Bravo to you.

3. 40 Days and 40 Nights - First off, wouldn't it be 48 days (from Ash Wednesday to Easter) and nights? Second, this alleged comedy suffers from unlikable characters, weak humor, a lead actor completely unsuited for a film like this and a penultimate scene that is one of the most hateful moments I've ever experienced in a film. How could the same director be responsible for this and my beloved Hudson Hawk?!

2. Year One - I also summed this movie up, but I can't stop bitching about it. The fine cast, the (once-)esteemed director...did no one question the shittiness of the script while they were filming?!

1. Welcome to the Dollhouse - Perhaps the most critically-acclaimed of the movies on the list. Was grade school really so long ago for the critics? Call it 'emotional torture porn'; an unpleasant 90 minute slog through hell with repugnant characters (and strangely, this also includes the nominal heroine) and a story that goes nowhere and takes its sweet time getting there. In short, a movie for those days when bamboo shoots simply won't do.

By the way, this list was first concocted around 2004, which would explain the absence of Transformers and the Friedberg-Seltzer oevure. Yet, I added a movie from last year. So, what's the implication? That I'd rather watch something like Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans than a movie stuffed with comic talent and directed by Harold Ramis? Yes. Yes, it is.


Monday, February 08, 2010

Just finishing up my Witches of Eastwick soundtrack for John Williams' birthday (The big 7-8!).

As I do every Monday (mainly when it's movie or TV based), I check out the AV Club's Inventory. This week, it's "22 romantic comedy characters who don't deserve love". In the comments (a bit more mean-spirited than the ones at Ain't It Cool News, but occasionally, just as funny), a poster named The Lone Audience of the Apocalypse joined a discussion on how Ferris Bueller should've made the list. The latter portion of his comment is definitely something to remember:

"But don't for a second think if you had the opportunity you wouldn't have done the same thing Ferris did in that movie. In fact, if you had the opportunity and didn't take it, you're ridiculous. Life is for living, not bitching about the fun other people are having."


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Had a weird dream last night. I was flipping around on TV and I ran across two things that aren't such bad ideas: a new season of "Reaper" and a TV series based on the comic strip "Luann". I really can't explain it, but it's interesting.


Tuesday, February 02, 2010

And the nominees are...

...too long for me to post here. You can find them if you look around. Still, I can't help but muse:

- Ten nominees for best picture. I've seen three (Up, Inglourious Basterds and The Blind Side). This reversion to the 1930s came about because of last year's ("unfair") snubbing of The Dark Knight. Just as I said at another board about the NBC late night situation, this is the equivalent of having too many chairs in a game of Musical Chairs, so nobody's feelings get hurt when the music stops. Still, congratulations to the nominees.

- You'd think that Rolfe Kent would've scored a nod for his music from Up in the Air. Haven't heard a note, but that's the way these things work. The Michael Clayton effect struck again in the nomination for the ambient music of The Hurt Locker.

- And what the hell happened? No nod for Marvin Hamlisch's The Informant!? Sure, he has his three Oscars (from the same year!) to console him, but this is an outrage.

+ Still, I quite enjoyed three of the nominees for Original Score and wish them well: Alexandre Desplat's Fantastic Mr. Fox, Michael Giacchino's Up and Hans Zimmer's Sherlock Holmes (definitely, the big surprise of the category).

- Pity that the rules for Original Song had to be changed so that there couldn't be more than two songs nominated from one film. "Almost There" (which I hope does win) and "Down in New Orleans" made the cut, but, if only for the possibility of seeing Keith David perform the song at the ceremony, I'm disheartened that "Friends on the Other Side" wasn't nominated.

+ Four of the nominees for Best Animated Feature (The Secret of Kells never made it to my hometown) ended up in my top ten for the year. That has to be a sign.

+ Who've thought that an unknown (in this part of the world) Austrian character actor and the star of a long-running UPN sitcom would be sure things for Oscars? Honestly.

+ Sandra Bullock gets an Oscar nomination and a Razzie nomination in the same week. Seriously, they should've dumped All About Steve straight to DVD, but she was quite good in The Blind Side.

- A lot of good movies got shut out, like Taking Woodstock (which I'd have nominated for Adapted Screenplay and Supporting Actor - Emile Hirsch), The Informant! (Original Score and Adapted Screenplay), (500) Days of Summer (an almost-certain lock for Original Screenplay), Watchmen (at the very least for Visual Effects) and The Brothers Bloom (take your pick).

+ However, I am truly glad that Brothers got shut out. The trailer was your standard Oscar bait boilerplate until the moment where the little girl says, "You're just mad because she'd rather sleep with Uncle Tommy than you!". What kind of little says that to a shell-shocked war veteran? More importantly, what kind of little girl says that?! I don't care if it was in the original film and I don't care if the gods of screenwriting give it a pass. That is, stated simply, bad fucking writing and I will defend that to my last breath.

? James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are both nominated for Best Director. How awkward is it gonna be is one of them wins over the other?

Steve Martin returns to host, joined by Alec Baldwin. Can't wait for March 7th.

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