"Very loose butthole."

Apparently, there was a whiteboard in the writers' room for Comedy Central's "Workaholics" loaded with cliched comic lines that the writers were to avoid when writing the show. 

Posted on Twitter a few years back, someone took the time to transcribe the many expressions on that board. 

And the sad thing is that this is likely just a partial list of the eye-rolling audience goosers out there.

Maybe that guy at Fan Expo Canada was right.

An abridged script, inspired by today's review at Scriptshadow:

Me: Hello. I have what I think would be a pretty interesting superhero script that I'd like to send to you.

C: (crickets)

Me: It's about a superheroine who finds herself pregnant. The baby seems to be draining her powers and there's a global event that needs to be settled. She's been doing so much to not only palm the baby off on others, but to find out who the baby daddy is.

C: (posts every other goddamn script to be reviewed, including a few superhero scripts, because God forbid that anyone get feedback on their material to know their worth as a writer)

Me: I could get my script feedback from people who charge money, but between my many monthly expenses, that's not as possible as I'd like, so I'd really appreciate a shot.

C: (whines about the new Star Wars movies for-goddamn-ever)

Me: (indignant) Well, you obviously have better things to do with your time. I'll just move on to something else. (muttering) A pregnant superheroine. I probably would've been re-written anyway.

C: (posts glowing review of a script that's basically The Game Plan with superheroics stapled on) (actual quote) "You guys know I'm all about subversive superhero scripts."

Me: Go fuck yourself.

The End.

Tonight, at least, in the before time, I had planned to take part in a Geeks Who Drink quiz, but...well, plans change.

It was a "Bob's Burgers"-themed one and part of the fun of these is checking out the team names.

Here are some of the ones I workshopped for my team of one:

Unbelizeable!

Bob's Pesto Control

Candy Randy

Ow, My Face!

Thank You for Being a Frond

I couldn't decide, though I was leaning toward "Unbelizeable!".

"Now that's comedy!"

Not long before Christmas, Scriptshadow reviewed a script called "Valedictorian", about an over-achieving student who would stop at nothing to attain the titular accolade. Haven't read it, but it sounds like something for people who thought that Election and Heathers were too cuddly. 

Carson singled out one of his favorite scenes in the script:

One of my favorite sequences is him trying to score a perfect score on an oral Spanish test. Larry is terrible at Spanish. Luckily for him, the real Spanish teacher is sick this week so a substitute is in. And the substitute is blind. So Larry comes up a plan to recruit a Mexican student who can’t speak a lick of English, and tell him to go into the class and pretend he’s him, Larry, before taking the test. However, before he goes, Larry fears that the student speaks Spanish a little too well. So he sits him down and attempts to teach him how to speak Spanish more like an American, erasing the heavy accent and the rolling R’s. It’s a funny scene and a great representation of the humor in the script.

Now, as I probably mentioned before, when it comes to plotholes and big twists, nine times out of ten, I'm a little slow on the uptake...but then comes that magic number ten (I'm still pretty proud of myself for figuring out the twist early on in Shutter Island). Here was my defense against that scene:

Larry sucks at Spanish, but a substitute is in for that day...and he's blind.

Does no one else's movie logic spidey-senses tingle at that? And that's not even getting into the coincidence factor.

Edit: And what's more, are all the other kids in this Spanish class blind, too? It's been mentioned that Larry is a douche with a capital bag, so who's to say that one of his (non-blind, might I add?) classmates wouldn't narc him out a) for some kind of revenge (cf. the janitor in Election) or b) just because "Hey, you're not Larry!"?

A few people agreed with me (quite a few upvotes), but one person responded with the following: "Short answer: it's a comedy." Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "You know, it's a good thing that you're just auditing this website and are not someone who's trying to be a better screenwriter or get something produced, because otherwise, a response like that comes off as really fucking stupid." Seriously, it's the kind of thing that's allowing improv to choke the genre to death. 'Oh, there doesn't need to be any plot logic or character consistency, because it's just a comedy.' And a hearty 'fuck you!' to anyone who sincerely believes that. If you throw this stuff out because you don't think you need it for comedies, you are dead in the water.

On that note, boy, was I disappointed with The Wrong Guy, and I say this as a dyed-in-the-wool "Kids in the Hall" fan. 'Underrated comedy', my ass. Greedy was an underrated comedy. 2002’s Big Trouble was an underrated comedy. This was Dave Foley ripping my heart out and showing it to me as I lay dying.

Thanks to print-bingo.com, I've made up a bunch of cards for Svengoolie bingo. So far, none of the sound bites have yielded five-in-a-row. Maybe, next week.

(I knew that I said I wanted to have longer posts here, but, believe me, this is not what I had in mind.)

It's kind of a funny story I have to tell. Whether it's 'ha-ha' funny or 'what the hell' funny is up to you.

It all started with slush.

The first snow of the season (okay, not quite the first; I remember vividly rushing from a Quiznos to a bus stop early last month under what I thought was hail, but turned out to be snow) fell on our town during the wee hours of the morning. How do I know? This sore throat I'm currently fighting wouldn't let me sleep.

Knowing I'd be called on to do so anyway, I shoveled the stuff up. (Note: Wet snow is way harder to get up than regular snow.) My boots were a little worn from treating them as work boots for the last year or so. Still, that didn't quite prepare me for the constant onslaught of coldness and wetness as I walked up the street to the bus stop. By the time I got to work, it felt like my feet were soaking in mush.

During my first break, I went to the bathroom and took my socks off. I wrapped them in paper towels and placed them in my locker. I spent the rest of the day in my bare feet. It felt so much better than wearing wet socks.

On my last break, I checked to see if my socks were completely dry. Not quite, and the brown color of the boots had bled into the socks. After my shift ended, I decided to dry the socks off in the microwave (there's a microwave in the breakroom for heating up lunches as such).

There was a manager going over some things in the breakroom when I got there. I figured, 'I'm gonna risk it'. I place the socks with the paper towels in the microwave and set it on four and a half minutes. My feet will be nice and toasty. I go to the bathroom to wash my hands.

When I come out, something smells like it's burning. It's coming from the microwave! It couldn't be! It was. My socks were smoking. No sooner did I drop them to the floor than a spark erupted from one of the socks. The manager suggested getting them underwater. Showing a surprising balance of resourcefulness and panic, I bundle the socks up and run them under the bathroom sink, putting out any potential flame. The store survived, but my socks...charbroiled; black as night and flaking apart (yes, flaking apart).

Nervous and more than a little embarassed, I offer to take whatever punishment the manager had to offer. (Honestly, how was I supposed to know that socks were combustible?!) My punishment: clean out the microwave. I doubt it's been cleaned in a while, but I do my best. The door, the walls, the caked-on whatsis on the rotating glass dish.

I was forced to throw my socks away. There was no way I was wearing those again...which left me in an unfortunate bind. I had to leave sometime, but who knows what the cold air would do to my bare feet? (I did, but still...) I called home and got a ride.

Maybe the story will get back to the head manager and maybe it won't. Who knows? Someday, when my socks end up in some landfill, found by some derelict, he may wonder, 'who would be foolish enough to do this to their socks?'. Who, indeed?

You havin' a laugh?

Right, so there's this column at the AV Club where the staff members answer the question:

Is there a piece of pop culture that absolutely, 100 percent never fails to make you laugh? (Or at least smile?)

Whether I'm at work, at a movie, traveling, or whatever, there are a shit-ton of bits I think about that make me laugh. Here are a few (relative term) of them:

Marlon (Dom DeLuise) yelling "That man's nuts! Grab 'im!" in The End
Turk screaming like a woman and ripping out his hair after missing out on a Michael Jordan game on "Scrubs"
"If this were an After-School Special, you'd pay a dear price for your deceit, like getting a big zit, or...eating from the same plate as David Lee Roth!" - "Freakazoid"
the game shows that Heffer appears on in the "Rocko's Modern Life" episode, "Heffer in a Handbasket" ("Eye-talian donut holes!")
the "MacBeth" scene from "Blackadder the Third"
Patton Oswalt's Robert Evans spiel - though, honestly, I do a better Evans than he does ("Shove 'em up there again, Dennehy! I'll try to just solve the reds!")
out of a bunch of "Arrested Development" moments, Mrs. Featherbottom trying to imitate Mary Poppins
I love "Kids in the Hall", but, off the top of my head, the "Mad with Power" sketch; Kevin McDonald rocks!
several of Bruce McCulloch's monologues, as well (especially, "Love" and "How to Break into Showbiz")
the "Mighty Hercules" sketch from "Saturday Night Live" (one of the most underrated sketches)
the "Petchow Rat Poison" sketch from the same program (one of the most underrated ad parodies)
the digital clock gag from the "Futurama" episode, "Xmas Story"
the "M*A*S*H" references on the "Futurama" episode, "War is the H-Word" ("This isn't a war, it's a moider!")
Chico Marx in Duck Soup, especially his report on shadowing Firefly
the guys playing each other in the "Young Ones" episode, "Bambi" ("Right, like the one person said to the other person who was getting fed up, 'I'm getting fed up!'.")
not from a comedy, per se, but David Doyle dressing down Elliott Gould in Capricorn One is just brilliant, humorous writing
from the charade scene to "He vas...my boyfriend!" in Young Frankenstein ("Sedagive?!")
the escalating shenanigans from that "Wings" episode; can't remember the name but here's a hint: "Davis!" Dinner's not ready." "Stall him!"
The "'Cause they're (insert occupation here) (hilariously insistent guitar twang)/Identical (insert occupation here)" sketch from "SCTV"
The A Few Good Men references in the "Simpsons" episode, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"
too many moments to name from "Malcolm in the Middle"
"Won't be attending that hat convention in July." - Hudson Hawk
the police station scene and "It's a bomb!/"What?!"/"Wait for my birthday." - Addams Family Values
"Why did I bring helium instead of air?" - Hot Shots! Part Deux
"Ah, mango juice!" - the "Tiny Toons" episode, "Kon-Ducki"
The "Samuel Jackson Beer" sketch from "Chappelle's Show"
the Cairo sequence in Team America: World Police
"Yoiks...and away!" - "Robin Hood Daffy"

Like I said, a few.