Ten horror classics that just don't do it for me.

Not sure how much attention I'm going to get with this (or whether I'm gonna post it where people can see it), but I think I've seen enough horror movies to be able to discern which classics just don't work for me. 

10. Willard - There's actually some good moments here, thanks to the cast, but the TV-movie style presentation nearly sinks it. And then you have the all-over-the-place score by Alex North. The industrial film main title. The quirky rat attack music. The attempted love theme. This guy scored Spartacus a decade ago and you can practically hear North lamenting it in every note.

9. The Birds - Another animal attack movie. Maybe, I'm one of those assholes who needs a reason for stuff to happen in narratives, but this was a sketch comedy premise at best, ludicrously stretched to two hours. There's only so much that Hitchcock's craft can do.

8. Nosferatu - Can you say 'Day-for-night shooting'? I knew you could. And this isn't even a case of 'Well, it was the first vampire movie. They were still feeling their way around the mythos.'. Well, smarty-pants, riddle me this: if the vampire is able to walk around in the sunlight, pretending to be a coach driver and carrying a coffin and such, why is sunlight the thing that kills him at the end?!

7. House on Haunted Hill - William Castle. William Castle? William Castle! Dressing his movies up with gimmicks made him something of a success and while he's done some good in his career (Mr. Sardonicus, inspiring Matinee, buying the rights to Rosemary's Baby), the gimmick thing hasn't resulted in interesting movies. I love Vincent Price (and who doesn't?), but this movie...rather dull.

6. The Fearless Vampire Killers - Speaking of Rosemary's Baby...one of the movies that inspired Robert Evans to seek Roman Polanski out. It's certainly well-made (and Sharon Tate was a lovely damsel), but the film is a series of incidents that feel like they should be funny, but aren't. It's a comedy for people too refined to laugh.

5. Black Christmas - This one started off so well: creepy direction, snappy dialogue, appealing characters (while it's a shame that her demons got the better of her, I think it can be argued - between this and Superman - that we lost a bright light in Margot Kidder)...then the story got more protracted (so, they check the basement, but not the attic which I'm sure they're aware exists?), the characters got dumber (way to protect the baby you're so desperate to keep; just go right upstairs for your friends after you've been told to get out) and the killer went from menacing to irritating. No wonder the 2006 remake sucked untold amounts of ass. Look what they had to work with!

4. Lake Placid - Pretty much the movie you'd expect from the description 'David E. Kelley's Jaws'...and that is not a compliment. "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it." You see? It's funny because an old woman said that and old people don't often talk like that...and it's Betty White, the sweetest old woman we know! Comedy! For real, money laundering is the only plausible explanation for how this became a franchise.

3. The Blob - If not for its groovy theme song and soon-to-be-famous leading man, there is no damn hell ass way we'd be talking about this now. It's little more than an Allied Artists rip-off of Rebel Without a Cause with monster scenes awkwardly stitched in. Definitely a time (much like #7 and #10) that you'd be better off checking out the remake. Killer Klowns from Outer Space will also do in a pinch.

2. Night of the Living Dead - The plotting and dialogue and long stretches where nothing happens smack of an amateur production. Thankfully, George Romero would get to make better movies...before getting stuck back in the same genre.

1. 13 Ghosts - Once again, William Castle confuses having a gimmick with telling a fleshed-out story. The remake is loud, narratively cluttered and downright annoying, at times...and it's still a better movie! How sad is that?

Maybe, my standards are too high or maybe, not everything older than dirt is a masterpiece. You be the judge.