"I'll never trust an awards show again..."

"...unless that delightful Billy Crystal is involved."

8:30 Hey! It's Morgan Freeman! (applause) With earrings?!

8:31 Billy Crystal gets a plug in for his movie during an Artist parody. Followed by The Descendants (yikes) and Moneyball (heh).

8:32 Chatting with Justin Bieber. Wait, what?

8:33 Biebs hitches a ride with Sammy Davis, Jr.

8:34 Nice way to fold the The Help's most infamous scene into Bridesmaids.

8:35 Billy as Tintin. Yikes.

8:37 "We're here at the beautiful Chapter 11 Theater." "Nothing like taking your mind off of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires reward each other with golden statuettes."

8:38 Very funny musical number.

8:42 Tom Hanks gives a shout-out to a long-time seat filler. Could've sworn that was Mickey Rooney in the opening pan.

8:43 Best Cinematography goes to...Robert Richardson for Hugo. Like I said, the opening shot will make your jaw drop. The rest of the movie looked good, too.

8:44 Best Art Direction goes to...Hugo. (1/24) Today is Dante Ferretti's birthday. I mused that this would make a hell of a birthday present. Interesting that his set decorator is also his wife.

8:51 A tribute to the movies: love, excitement, laughter, classsic moments...

8:54 Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez present Best Costume Design, which goes to...Mark Bridges for The Artist. (2/24) Western New York in the house!

8:56 Best Make-Up goes to...The Iron Lady.

9:00 Actors talk about their first time...at the movies.

9:05 Sandra Bullock presents Best Foreign Language Film in Chinese. Huh?! The Oscar goes to...Iran's A Separation.

9:09 Christian Bale presents Best Supporting Actress to...Octavia Spencer. (3/24) She seemed overwhelmed. Can't say I blame her.

9:18 A look at the test screening for The Wizard of Oz featuring the Christopher Guest troupe. Okaaaay.

9:22 Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper present Best Editing. The Oscar goes to...Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. If they had anything to do with cutting the trailer, I'd say the award was well-deserved.

9:25 The Sound Editing Oscar goes to...Hugo.

9:27 The Sound Mixing Oscar goes to...Hugo, again. I'm starting to think that The Artist may have some competition for the top prize.

9:34 Kermit and Miss Piggy at the Oscars present...Cirque Du Soleil and another tribute to the movies. The music is from the stage production "Iris" by Danny Elfman. If it was a film score, it would've been a nominee, for sure.

9:40 Tony Stark and Pepper Potts present Best Documentary...as a documentary is being shot. Okay, how did I not notice that she's taller than him? Even without the benefit of heels, she probably has three inches on him. The Oscar goes to..."Undefeated". (4/24) Names out of a hat FTW.

9:46 Chris Rock (rightly) points out that voice work is the easiest job in the world. Best Animated Feature goes to...Rango. (5/24) Good for Gore Verbinski. I've been a fan as far back as Mouse Hunt.

9:52 Following a paraphrase of Melissa McCarthy's airline seduction scene from Bridesmaids, Emma Stone and Ben Stiller present...good God, she's taller than him. Is this going to be a recurring motif? And this 'savoring the first time at the Oscars' thing is dragging. Anyway, Best Visual Effects goes to...Hugo. Huh.

9:58 Melissa Leo presents Best Supporting Actor to...Christopher Plummer for Beginners. (6/24)

10:08 Billy Crystal tells us what the stars are thinking. This made me laugh more than it should've.

10:11 Best Original Score, presented by Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz. The Oscar goes to...Ludovic Bource. (7/24) The Artist had a very lovely score. This makes me so glad.

10:17 Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis crash cymbals and present Best Original Song to..."Man or Muppet" by Bret McKenzie. (8/24) I still maintain that the Academy let a great opportunity slip through their fingers by not nominating the "Flight of the Conchords" guys against each other.

10:25 Angelina Jolie presents Best Adapted Screenplay to...The Descendants by Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash. What do you want to wager this becomes an in-joke on "Community"?

10:30 Best Original Screenplay goes to...Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris. (9/24) What did I say?

10:32 More people talking about what movies they love. Hey, Warren Beatty's still alive! Seriously, him and Goldie Hawn need to come back to movies. Don't let Town and Country be your swan song, please!

10:35 Milla Jovovich tells us about the separate technical awards ceremony.

10:38 The ladies of Bridesmaids present Best Live-Action Short Subject to..."The Shore".

10:41 Best Documentary Short Subject goes to..."Saving Face". I saw an ad for it on HBO this morning. Truly chilling.

10:44 Best Animated Short Subject goes to..."The Fantastic Flying Books of Morris Lessmore". (10/24) This is something that deserves to be seen in a theater.

10:50 Michael Douglas presents Best Director to...Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist. (11/24)

10:56 Meryl Streep tells us about the Governor's Awards (to David Newman's Hoffa!) and recipients James Earl Jones, Dick Smith and Oprah Winfrey.

11:03 Remembering those we have lost.

11:09 Looking at how movies affect famous people one more time...including Patton Oswalt!.

11:15 Natalie Portman presents Best Actor to...Jean Dujardin. (11/24)

11:25 Colin Firth presents Best Actress to...Meryl Streep. Ain't that a bitch? (The situation, not Streep.)

11:33 Tom Cruise presents Best Picture to...The Artist. (12/24) Well, another Oscar ceremony is done. Let's do it again next year.