Mr. Cellophane

In a location adjacent to a place in a city of some significance, what comes out of my head is plastered on the walls of this blog.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Winter movie preview.


Texas Chainsaw 3D - Because it was just a matter of time. From the director of Takers. One question, though: will John Larroquette narrate?

Gangster Squad - The actions of a certain orange-haired pillowbiter got this pushed back from September, but this Mulholland Falls throwback looks quite enjoyable.

A Haunted House - Marlon Wayans and company riff on Paranormal Activity. Eh, why not?

Broken City - NYC mayor Russell Crowe wants ex-cop Mark Wahlberg to investigate if his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones is having an affair. Directed by Allen Hughes...but where's Albert?!

Mama - A young couple takes in a pair of little girls who were a) abandoned in the woods and b) fiercely devoted to their mother, who's dead. Or is she? Yawn. Anyone care to place their bets on how this claptrap ends?

The Last Stand - Criminals en route to Mexico must pass through a small town first. The sheriff? Arnold Schwarzenegger. I smell fun.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - Somewhere between Van Helsing and Paul W.S. Anderson's game attempt at The Three Musketeers lies this adaptation of the fairy tale. Looks like goofy fun.

Movie 43 - It's way past due for this generation to have an Amazon Women on the Moon of its own, don't you think?

Parker - Adaptation of Richard Stark's novels starring Jason Statham. Sounds like a slam dunk, but advanced word is mixed.


Bullet to the Head - Sylvester Stallone takes on a new partner to catch the guy that killed his old one. Walter Hill (48HRS.) directs.

Stand Up Guys - Crime caper with Al Pacino, Alan Arkin and Christopher Walken. Worth a shot.

Warm Bodies - Just your typical zombie-meets-girl, zombie-doesn't-want-to-eat-her-brains story. Again, worth a shot.

Identity Thief - Melissa McCarthy steals Jason Bateman's identity, then he confronts her. If ever there was a comedy trailer that smacked of trying too hard...

A Good Day to Die Hard - For the longest time, I really wanted Christoph Waltz to play a lost Gruber brother. Of course, that could've kept him from Django Unchained, so maybe it's for the best that John McClane and his grown son are hunting Russian terrorists.

Side Effects - The plot according to IMDB: "A woman turns to prescription medication as a way of handling her anxiety concerning her husband's upcoming release from prison." I gotta say, I'm bored already.

Beautiful Creatures - Something about these would-be fantasy franchises seems to attract the cream of the acting crop. This one features Oscar winners Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons and Viola Davis. (In my version, she won, okay?)

Safe Haven - Another Nicholas Sparks adaptation, this one starring the girl from Footloose and the dude from Turistas who looks like Johnny Knoxville.

Escape from Planet Earth - Stranded aliens try to find a way off our world. This animated feature looks less stupid than Planet 51, anyway.

Snitch - How far would you go to save your son from prison? Dwayne Johnson decides to be an informant for the DEA.

Dark Skies - A family is beseiged by alien invaders. From the director of Legion and Priest. That about says it all.


Stoker - A remake of Shadow of a Doubt. I guess it was eventual.

21 and Over - The night before a big med school exam, a newly 21 year old and his pals get embroiled in strange stuff. Just what one would expect from the (credited) writers of The Hangover, making their directorial debut.

The Last Exorcism II - So, I'm guessing that the title to the first movie was a misnomer.

Jack the Giant Slayer - "Jack and the Beanstalk" gets a souped-up remake courtesy of Bryan Singer. Looks good.

Admission - College admissions officer Tina Fey meets a young man who may or may not be her son.

Oz: the Great and Powerful - In the spirit of Alice in Wonderland comes this speculative feature on how Oz gained its Wizard. Directed by Sam Raimi.

Hummingbird - Jason Statham is an ex-Special Forces agent who ends up homeless. Okay, didn't Safe have the exact same setup?

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - Rival magicians Jim Carrey and Steve Carell square off. Gotta say that I'm looking forward to this.

The Croods - Cavemen discover an unusual world. Animated feature from the creators of Lilo and Stitch. One question: are the characters supposed to be so ugly?

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - About effing time! This follow-up seems to capture the spirit of the cartoon better than the first movie (which I liked).

The Host - Another story of teenage love and angst from the author of "Twilight". Some people just never learn, do they?

Tyler Perry's Temptation - A marriage counselor having relationship troubles? What are the odds?


The Heat - By far, the less malign of the season's Melissa McCarthy movies, this one pairs her with Sandra Bullock as two mismatched cops.

Olympus Has Fallen - Two Wyatt Earp movies. Two volcano movies. Two revisionist Snow White movies. Now, we have two 'a lone Secret Service agent must protect the President against bad guys' movies. This one stars Gerard Butler as the agent and Aaron Eckhart as the President.

42 - Just in time for baseball season, a movie about the life of Jackie Robinson.

Evil Dead - Yet another horror remake. The redhead from Fun Size and her friends happen upon a book in a cabin and bad shit happens. Is it bad that I barely remember seeing the first movie (or maybe, it was the second)?

Scary Movie 5 - A riff on Black Swan co-starring scandal-magnets Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Malcolm Lee has fallen rather far from Undercover Brother.

Oblivion - Tom Cruise is a one-man clean-up crew on Earth in the far future, but is he really alone? Could go either way for me.

Pain and Gain - Two bodybuilders (Dwayne Johnson and Mark Wahlberg) happen upon a murder plot. From the writers of Captain America (very promising) and director Michael Bay (not as promising).

The Big Wedding - Inoffensive all-star nonsense about a family coming together for...a big wedding. In any event, it's nice to see Topher Grace getting work.



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