"If you order room service, you're lucky to get it by Thursday."

Another day, another pathetic chance to goose my income.

As it turns out, there's a casino within reasonable driving distance of my house. I went in, hoping to be stricken by beginner's luck. I was awestruck by the many, many, many slot machines the place had to offer. I figured that I had to change my paper money for coins. In one more example of me being utterly out of step with the times, none of the machines took coins, but dollar bills and vouchers.

I sat down at one of the machines and put in a five. I pressed the 'cash out' button which gave me a voucher. I put it back in and played the slots. Not a single win in five tries. Figuring I had too much to lose by staying, I got up, saw more of the slots and left.

Desperate at success in a game of chance, I bought a lottery scratch-off. Nothing.

Isn't there some way to win at gambling that doesn't involve losing your shirt? I've seen it happen in movies and on TV. Those writers wouldn't pull that stuff out of their asses, would they?