Oscar turns 90 years young.

So help me God, I thought they were starting at 8:30.

8:06p Nice beard on Willem Dafoe.

8:09p "None other than President Trump called Get Out 'the best first 3/4 of a movie all year'."

8:13p Hell, I'd probably give a short speech just to win a jet-ski.

8:14p A montage for Best Supporting Actor...

8:15p ...and here's Viola Davis.

8:18p The Oscar goes to...Sam Rockwell (1/24)!

8:24p I think I'd rather have the play-off music.

8:25p Gal Gadot and Armie Hammer (Fun fact: he was to play Superman in George Miller's unmade Justice League movie) present Best Make-Up and Hairstyling. The Oscar goes to...Darkest Hour (2/24)!

8:28p Eva Marie Saint reminisces en route to presenting Best Costume Design.

8:31p The Oscar goes to...Phantom Thread (3/24)! Again, a period piece about costumes being designed! How do you bet against that?!

8:38p Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern present Best Documentary Feature. The Oscar goes to...Icarus.

8:43p Taraji P. Henson presents the first of the night's nominees for Original Song, "Mighty River" from Mudbound, performed by dual Oscar-nominee Mary J. Blige.

8:52p A montage about the magic of movies.

8:56p Ansel Elgort and Eiza Gonzales (from Baby Driver; okay, wouldn't this be a slight conflict of interest?) present the awards for Sound Editing, which goes to...Dunkirk (4/24)...

9:01p ...and Sound Mixing, which goes to...Dunkirk. I swear to Allah, this better not be the beginning of a slide.

9:07p The Governors and Sci-Tech Awards are summarized. Among the recipients are Donald Sutherland and cinematographer Owen Roizman (The Exorcist, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three).

9:08p Kumail Nanjiani and Lupita Nyong'o present Best Production Design. The Oscar goes to...The Shape of Water (5/24)!

9:12p Eugenio Derbez presents the next nominee for Original Song, "Remember Me" from Coco.

9:22p Rita Moreno presents Foreign Language Film. The Oscar goes to...A Fantastic Woman (6/24)!

9:25p A montage of Supporting Actress winners precedes Mahershala Ali presenting this year's award. The Oscar goes to...Allison Janney (7/24)! Real talk: wish she'd mentioned LaVona Harding in her speech.

9:35p Rose Tico, Luke Skywalker, Poe Dameron and BB-8 present the award for Best Animated Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."Dear Basketball". Wait. Kobe Bryant is an Oscar winner now?

9:40p And now...Best Animated Feature. The Oscar goes to...Coco (8/24)!

9:43p Daniela Vega introduces the third nominee for Original Song, "Mystery of Love" from Call Me by Your Name.

9:51p An ad for the Overlook Hotel?

9:52p Gina Rodriguez and Tom Holland present Best Visual Effects. The Oscar goes to...Blade Runner 2049.

9:55p Matthew McConaughey presents Best Editing. The Oscar goes to...Dunkirk.

10:00p Jimmy Kimmel takes a bunch of celebs to blow the minds of moviegoers. Hey, beats the crap out of a pizza party.

10:07p And the moviegoers are suitably shook.

10:09p Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph present Documentary Short Subject, which goes to..."Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405" (9/24)!

10:14p The moral of that exchange is that people need to write better comedies for women.

10:15p ...and Best Live Action Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."The Silent Child".

10:18p Dave Chappelle presents the fourth nominee for Original Song, "Stand Up for Something" from Marshall.

10:25p Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra and Salma Hayek take a glance at trailblazers.

10:31p Chadwick Boseman and Margot Robbie present Best Adapted Screenplay. The Oscar goes to... James Ivory for Call Me by Your Name (10/24)!

10:36p Nicole Kidman presents Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to...Jordan Peele for Get Out. I'm happy to be wrong for once.

10:42p Wes Studi (a Vietnam vet!) introduces a montage of war movies.

10:46p Sandra Bullock presents Best Cinematography. The Oscar goes to...Roger Deakins for Blade Runner 2049 (11/24)! 'bout damn time! I guess I'll have to see it at some point.

10:50p Zendaya introduces the last nominee for Original Song, "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman.

10:57p Christopher Walken presents Best Original Score. The Oscar goes to...Alexandre Desplat for The Shape of Water (12/24)! Gorgeous, thematic, perfect. God does exist.

11:01p Lin-Manuel Miranda and Emily Blunt present Best Original Song. The Oscar goes to..."Remember Me" from Coco (13/24)!

11:04p Jennifer Garner introduces the 'In Memoriam' montage.

11:12p Emma Stone presents Best Director. The Oscar goes to...Guillermo Del Toro for The Shape of Water (14/24)!

11:19p A montage of Best Actor winners. Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren present the award, which goes to...Gary Oldman in Darkest Hour (15/24)! Nice of him to thank Churchill.

11:28p A montage of Best Actress winners. Jodie Foster (hope she's all right) and Jennifer Lawrence present Best Actress. The Oscar goes to...Frances McDormand for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Like I said, a two-woman race. I just backed the wrong one.

11:37p "We'll be opening this envelope." Maybe, shred the other ones, just in case.

11:41p Back for an encore performance are Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway presenting Best Picture. The Oscar goes to.... (dramatic pause) The Shape of Water.

11:48p Hey, Mark Bridges has two Oscars and a jet-ski! Not bad.

15/24. Best score I've ever had. Cool night.