Mr. Cellophane

In a location adjacent to a place in a city of some significance, what comes out of my head is plastered on the walls of this blog.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

There's something weird and it don't look good.

In yet another of example of 'Goddamnit, moviegoers!', The Angry Birds Movie, an idea that should've been mailed to four years ago when people might've cared, not only topped the box office, but substantially out-grossed the far more acclaimed The Nice Guys, Shane Black's latest joint which is on my short list of 'wild dogs' movies coming this summer (as in 'Wild dogs couldn't keep me away from this'; Civil War and Suicide Squad are the others).

Sometimes, when you're forced to sit through a trailer for a movie again and again, you soon formulate the opinion that this movie is trash and you want nothing to do with it. The Angry Birds Movie was just such a trailer. Amazingly, Ghostbusters (you know, the one that's crawling with cooties) is another, and on an almost unprecedentedly toxic level. Personal opinion: the humor in the trailers is rather 'meh', but nothing I'd declare a jihad on, the way most people seem to be reacting. Maybe, it's the idea of an all-female reboot that's got people up in arms (likely started by people who've never even talked to a girl*), but there are far more objectionable movies coming to theaters, such as...

Independence Day: Regurgitation...Resurgence (as if there's a difference) - Let's see what we're working with here: a same-but-different follow-up to a smash hit from back in the day, peppered with people who helped make the original a hit. Yet Ghostbusters is getting flayed and this is getting a pass? Fuck outta here! And five more demerits to the production for not hiring David Arnold to do the music.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates - A pair of rowdy brothers need dates for their sister's wedding, so they put out an ad...and attract two girls way rowdier than them. Now that's comedy? Minor pet peeve: is this really the only way a comedy with girls in it can be accepted, if they're just as down and dirty as - if not more than - the guys?

Sausage Party - Food comes alive when humans aren't around or something. So, either The Secret Life of Pets with cursing or Foodfight with a patina of professionalism. Either way, hugely unappetizing.

Farting Corpse Movie - I suppose I could call it by its actual title, but fuck that noise. It's a movie about a farting corpse and, as such, does not deserve the dignity of a title.

Yoga Hosers - I can't believe I actually forgot about this movie in the initial post. A more or less remake of Clerks, but the two leads here must try to stop the nasty plans of Nazi bratwursts. Yes. Nazi bratwursts. Honestly, it may as well be 90 minutes of Kevin Smith looking into the camera and saying, "I fucking give up.".

Seriously, if you can watch the trailers for these movies and still say, 'Ghostbusters looks way worse', I weep for you and for the people that would inflict you on a God-fearing world.

* - Don't bullshit a bullshitter; we can smell our own.

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