Beth Cooper, I loathe you.

I ran into the trailer for this movie a couple of times in theaters. I can't remember when I was so offended and so angry at a trailer*. And even worse, this film will soon be stinking up movie theaters the world over. The film is I Love You, Beth Cooper. To paraphrase a Bobcat Goldthwait joke, 'This film looks so terrible, I'm surprised he's not in it'.

The plot: some geeky dork who looks like he fell out of an R. Crumb comic proclaims his love for the school dish in his graduation speech. She shows him the night of his life while dodging her psychotic ex-boyfriend. Sweet Jesus, where to begin?

I don't know if the people who cut the trailer wanted me to sympathize with the main character (given the cosmic kick-me sign of a name, Denis Cooverman), but it didn't take. For one thing, calling out the psycho jock who could probably snap his spine like a twig may not have been the wisest course of action for a supposed valedictorian. Really, what will this putz do for an encore? Strip naked, smear red paint on the most sensitive parts of his body and jump into a bullfighting ring?

And, let's be honest, it's never a particularly good sign while watching a teen comedy when one's sympathies are more with the mean jock than they are the awkward guy...but then, one thinks of "Clone High" with the obnoxious, womanizing (yet strangely charismatic) JFK and the total drip Abe Lincoln and you see how good writing can turn poor planning into art.

Getting back to one of the film's more infuriating points, the psycho jock is Beth's ex-boyfriend. Something I've really come to hate in contemporary cinema is when the object of the main character's desire is attached to a psychotic, violence-prone alpha male. The girl isn't some self-esteem deficient head case convinced that she can't find anyone better; she's an otherwise intelligent woman who saw something in this quote-unquote 'character' that didn't make her want to call 911. Wedding Crashers is, perhaps, the most obvious example, but there's also Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem and Never Back Down (the storyline of which involved violence, but you know what I mean).

Based on this alone, the girl has to be damaged goods; never mind the infinitesimal possibility that she might actually like you back. If she fell for a dangerous individual like that, it can't augur well for your relationship. Whether the specter of her former beau ("He'd have handled it like this...") or the guy showing up every-fucking-where the two of you go, one has to ask oneself, 'Is good sex (hell, any sex) worth having my face caved in?'.

Even without these ethical problems, the trailer is full of forced wackiness. I mean, there's a raccoon that snarls at the characters (because it's just not a movie if a critter isn't doing some CGI-assisted, couldn't-possibly-do-that-in-real-life trick), the protagonist screaming like a woman (which was funnier - albeit, barely, in Accepted) and having a toaster oven thrown at him (which not only shows how dangerous the jock ex-boyfriend is, but also shows just how gaspingly desperate the filmmakers are to go for a joke).

Seriously, what the fuck happened with Chris Columbus? Sure, his output hasn't been as consistent as, say, a Spielberg or a Hitchcock, but there have been some good films on his resume. This film actually makes the Columbus-produced Jingle All the Way look watchable. (I'd like to take a moment to talk to Satan right now. Satan, hey. I really can't believe you've allowed a team a filmmakers to make a...shall we call it a comedy? Anyway, I can't believe you allowed filmmakers to produce something that makes Jingle All the Way look watchable. I know that evil is your bag and everything, but, dude, seriously, being that much of an asshole? Totally uncalled for.)

In the interest of fairness, I will say that at least the casting directors went after someone who would be believable in the lead role...and that someone is Hayden Panetierre. She definitely fits the role of a high school hottie that a guy would risk a public mauling over far better than, say, Megan Fox. That would've been miscasting on the order of John Wayne as Genghis Khan. (Google it, folks. It really happened.)

The casting of Mr. Cooverman, on the other hand...I don't know Paul Rust, so I can't really say whether or not he'd be perfect, but from what I've seen in the previews (time I'll never get back), he comes off as way too dorky. I wasn't very popular in high school myself (in fact, I was pretty much invisible and non-confrontational), but I think that even I would've ripped on this guy. He comes off as a cartoon. The bad kind. Like the kind that the chick who went on to play Silk Spectre played in that ghastly Heartbreak Kid remake. At the IMDB, someone suggested Christopher Mintz-Plasse. This, I could potentially get behind. After all, he was able to squeeze a few drops of comic blood from the stone that was Year One. Then again, maybe it's best to keep him off the typecasting wagon.

People I've run across online have been saying read the book, but then I get news that scenes from the trailer are taken directly from the source. Reading the original book is now at the bottom of my ever-growing to-do list. Also, I've heard that Fox is withholding the film from critic's screenings. Perhaps, they know they have a turd on their hands and are doing the right thing. But if they cared about the right thing, why would they greenlight the project in the first place?!

Filmgoers can see this if they want, but be forewarned: this is the same studio that produced Bride Wars, Miss March and Aliens in the Attic. If you want to trust your hard-earned money to people like that, that's your business.

* - There have been a number of trailers I hated: Yours, Mine and Ours and American Wedding come to mind. Also - I shit you not - I once walked out on the trailer to Along Came Polly. In terms of writing comedies and cutting trailers, I could do so much better, it's not even funny.