My trip to Faux-ronto.

For real, a lengthy post about spending time in Toronto is up at the beginning of September instead of at the end?! Something must’ve gone wrong. If the title wasn’t enough of a clue, you’re absolutely right. The money that would normally be allocated toward that trip just wasn’t there this year (Helpful tip: if you get something in the mail from a company looking to extend your car’s warranty and you have a suspicion that they’re a bunch of worthless, scamming dick holes, trust it.), so I’m doing a speculative post just like in the olden days of this blog.

Unfortunately, it won’t be easy filling in the holes of the trip, to say nothing of allowing for any tomfuckery that would keep me from getting into Canada or - God forbid - keep me from returning to the States, but no one will say that I didn’t try.

Cheeto-stained fingers dance about my laptop keyboard (What do you want from me? They were on sale.) to draft a rough itinerary the moment I get home from work. I make sure everything is packed, from clothing to cash, from toiletries to travel maps. This shit is a go.

Knowing that a good night’s sleep is the next best thing to a best friend, I hop into bed at 10:15. I don’t want to leave anything to chance for tomorrow. If I get my sleep in now, that’ll make me less likely to sleep when I could be doing other things.

Thursday

You know how it goes: you want to spend the day in bed, but the alarm rings and you have to get up and face the day. It sucks when you have to go to work, but far less so when you're embarking on a trip.

Out the door at 6:45. Chocolate milk and a donut to match as I make my way to the Peace Bridge. Thankfully, Paula’s Donuts was more cooperative this time out. As I get ready to pull away, I start to freak out a little, as I often do when I believe I’ve forgotten something. I pat myself down. Everything is where it should be. I check my backpack. A full roll of toilet paper. Okay, now we’re ready.

Undaunted, I head down the freeway to the Peace Bridge. I’m so high on the potential excitement of the trip that I forget, for a moment, that there aren’t actual human beings running this country and, therefore, start to worry about potential obstacles to getting over the border.

President. What a joke.

Anyway, the lineup of cars has been radically depleted. I’m like fourth in line. Not many people wanna risk being singled out unless they absolutely have to go to a job in Canada, I would suppose, but this is my annual trip. If you don't take a risk every now and then, are you really living? It's my turn, now and I head to the window, ready to not blow it. "What's going on in Canada?" "Fan Expo." Nothing cute, just to the point. Will it work?

Yes. The price is up to thirteen dollars for the toll, but screw it. We're making this happen. Down the QEW, my donut and milk weaving through my digestive system and a movie podcast filling the air. Could this be any better? 7:26. Making good time, at that.

Long way to my exit, but darn it, it fills me with a minor sense of accomplishment when I weave down the streets of Niagara Falls(, Ontario) to the GOTransit Bus Terminal. I park in the lot across the street. It's early yet, but the heat is already getting to me.

In a matter of minutes, the bus to Burlington Station arrives. I’ve learned to accept that a direct trip from Niagara Falls to Toronto isn’t in the cards, but I appreciate the scenic route. Besides, a double decker bus ride - especially when you get a seat to yourself - is pretty fun. Gives you room to take a nap. About an hour later, we arrive at Burlington. Myself and the other passengers grab our belongings and head for the train stop. Unfortunately, hot weather plus litterbugs equals unwanted insect guests.

Not a moment too soon does the train arrive. Damn bees are everywhere. You wanna talk a scenic route? Oh, man. I’m not really in a conversational mood here either, but thankfully, quite a lot of people share my opinion. A few of them hold conversations, but nothing they can be like heard above a whisper.

Killing time at Union Station might be an option in the future if I don’t have any place to go in Toronto and I just wanted to hang out. I grab something from Randy’s Patties to go as well as a soda. Need to give it time to cool off. Before I can check in to my temporary home, I feel I need to pick up a drink from Shoppers. It’s still very hot out here. To make up for lost time from the last couple trips, I decided to hit all of the city’s museums. Unfortunately, no food allowed. The patty’s still a little hot, but I managed to choke it down pretty well. Still delicious.

Didn’t get as much out of the art museums as I expected, and I’m not sure why I’m surprised by this; the one back home is nice, but it doesn’t move me like I like either. Bright side: less to worry about next time I visit.

In a fascinating turn of events, I manage to get the same place I had last year. No public transportation goes down Bloor Street (Lame.), but at least I can make my way to Manning Avenue and walk down there. On the way, I hit up Neurotica Records. I think I may be buying too many soundtracks from here because it’s not a whole lot to sample. Still, I didn’t bring my CD player for nothing, so I snag a few titles: As Good as it Gets, The Way of the Gun, Point of No Return and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

Relaxing in a strange new place is scary, but relaxing in a place you’re somewhat familiar with…not as much. I enter the code remove my shoes and make my way to my room. I fish out my hand towel and wipe off the sweat that developed since the last time I had to use it. Why does it have to be so danged hot in the summer? Once again, her TV set up is mainly only for streaming services. You’d think there would be like a database of Netflix passwords out in the wild someplace. Oh, well.

Even though I’d love to stay and see if I’m rooming with anyone this year, I just need a place to keep my crap so I’m not wandering the streets. It’s Toronto, baby! Get a bloomin’ move on!

Catching the bus is a joyless experience back home, but catching it here holds the promise of adventure. I made sure to put plenty on my Presto card yesterday. Looks like I’m approaching Spadina. Time to get off. Instead of immediately jumping on a street car to get closer to the convention center, I decided to go to Bank Bao for dinner. Given that I had someplace to go afterwards, I thought it’d be a good idea not to overdo the meal. Just keep it simple: K-Chick bao, fries and an iced tea.

The streetcar pulls up just as I exit Bank Bao. Lucky. The prevailing theme of Fan Expo this year is celebrating the 40th anniversary of Back to the Future, with several guests and panels set up to that end. Much as I enjoy those movies, I’ve got other things to do.

Perfect. I'm able to get in after 6:00p. (And I didn't feel like wasting time with the bridge, so I made the extra steps to the South Building entrance.) I see a lot of cosplayers heading out for the night because they didn’t wanna stick around for the later panels. Hell, that’s the whole reason I’m here. 

Undeterred by the spectacle, I hurry to 709 for my first panel: 50th Anniversary of Jaws (from Blockbuster to Mock-buster): a Musical Journey. As an inveterate film music junkie, I couldn't help but get drawn in. I’ve been following the Jaws series of “Get Me Another”, so there’s a lot of fascinating scores to look forward to here. Piranha might be my favorite movie and score from this cycle.

Then, when that was over, I ran to 714 for the main attraction of the night: She is the One Named Sailor Moon: Terri Hawkes Q&A. The room is rife with Senshi cosplay as she takes the stage. I have long been a fan of the 90s dub, cheesiness and bowdlerization and all. How I’ve longed for the chance to hear about her voice acting career and especially what led her to this. Her exclamation of “Moon Prism Power!” at the end proves she still has it.

This has been a damn fun night. I'd do more, but I think I should get back to my Airbnb. Damn shame I don’t have a membership to Revue Cinema. There’s a marathon of trailers for alien invasion movies tonight. (What? Of course I don’t fanatically stalk the theater’s website or the site of the guy that cuts their trailers! What gave you that idea?)

Home at last. The bus ride was fun - being only one of eight people in total will do that for you - but it’s good to be able to decompress. I while away the rest of the night on my laptop, desperate to find something to do that doesn't involve what I usually do with it. Don't judge me.

Even though I'm asleep, I can just...sense that something is amiss. It sounds like someone scuttling outside. Am I too tired to care or too scared to act? Nope. Tired. I go back to bed. 

Friday

Every morning, I wake up alone. This one was no exception. I glance over to my laptop on the table, now fully charged. I reach over to grab it, but either I’m still really tired or it’s really far away because it’s out of my reach. I’m forced to step on the floor to reach it, always an inconvenience, when I slip on something. Couldn’t be any of my clothes; they’re all packed away, in the chair or on my body. I glance down. It’s a pair of lace panties. Purple.

Xenophobia is a trait that is the furthest thing from my mind, no matter what the compromised news outlets try to push on me, but I can’t help but be a little nervous. Am I rooming with women like last year? How did they even get in? Is this some kind of invitation? What would they want with me? 

Ever so swiftly, I hurry for the bathroom, tossing the panties at the other door on the way. I take a shower hoping to clean off the nonsense of the last day. In no time, I feel a lot fresher. I hear the door open behind me.

“Callie!”

“Um...”

This is unusual. The other room is, once again, occupied by women, but this time, they took the initiative. I have no problem with this whatsoever. At this point in my life, it wasn’t going to happen any other way.

“I’m busy, Desiree.”

“Oh, come on!”

Now, this is interesting. Mildly terrifying, but interesting. I’m not sure if I should sneak away or stay where I am, but it’s getting cold. I’m drying off.

“Stop!”

Oh, farts. Can’t a man dry off in peace? Desiree (never thought I’d encounter a girl with that name in real life, by the way) places a hand on my shoulder. It takes what little willpower I have left not to burst right then and there.

“Fancy enough for you?” As nervous as I am now, that accent - I want to say Eastern Europe - is doing things to me. “You found the panties. Good work.”

“Thanks”, I murmur. Not sure whether it was the vulnerability or just plain not thinking that prompts my next comment. “So, do I win anything?”

Her lip curls into a wicked smile. I don’t think she was expecting that. “You certainly have.” She gestures to her room. “My friend and I are staying here until Monday. If you can figure out who the panties belong to before then, you win…us.”

Every word I have ever learned disappears from my brain. No way does she mean…

“‘Two Girls for Every Boy’. Isn’t that the name of that old song?”

“Right.” Hey. Something came back.

“And no cheating. No fair trying to find out who sells it.”

“I wouldn’t think of it.”

“Terrific.” Desiree slinks back to her door. “And you might want to dry off. Don’t want to catch your death.”

“Oh, right.” I hurry into my room. I hope I don’t have to take another shower.

Really glad that that encounter didn’t throw me too off schedule…and am I seriously prioritizing my itinerary over a potential three-way? God, I really do have negative game.

Still, it would be a real waste of money to not do what I set out to do. I get dressed, pack an extra shirt and get ready for the day. Money, Fan Expo badge, Presto card, maps…wait. I reach toward the table. Toilet paper. Now, I’m ready.

I walk up Manning toward College Street. Just changing things up. I hurry toward Shoppers Drug Mart. I pick up a one liter bottle of iced tea and some snacks. Always be prepared.

Now to the bus stop. It takes a few minutes, but it finally arrives. It's not too crowded. Likely, the majority of the people taking the bus this way are already at work. I grab a window seat and lose myself in games of chance on my phone. After a while, I get off at College Station and take the train to Queen, then a hop, skip and jump to my destination.

Good God, I'm so glad to be back at Sunset Grill. I take a seat at a table near the window. Not long before I order. Why mess with a good thing? The Sunset Super with bacon and sausage. There's a breakfast of champions for you.

Okay. I'm a little logy, but nothing is going to be happening at Fan Expo for a while. I head for BMV Music and Books. A chain store, but it slots perfectly with the indie bookstores in town. Not often you can say that.

Very not surprised to find the CD section is a bust, but there are still plenty of (used) books to check out. Quite a few I pick up, with the highlight being that one film music book I left behind the previous summer. I knew no one would be grabbing it.

Every time I think I have this crazy town figured out, it lays another surprise on me. I head down John Street, a damn good way to walk off my breakfast, and within 10 minutes, I'm at the Convention Center! I check the schedule on the Fan Expo app. My first panel is in the South Building. Well, that's where I'm going now. No sense putting myself through undue stress fighting through the North Building.

Revue Cinema was a no-go last night and yet, there's a panel here today: Revue Cinema: Connecting Toronto Through Film in 711. Go figure. Part of it is devoted to how government bull crap nearly resulted in their end, but they also talk about some of what they’ve shown and what is to come. To be able to get to a theater like this on the regular would be a dream come true.

Not much to do afterwards except walk around and snap pictures of cosplayers...and there are some gems today: The Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2, a human WALL-E, Johnny Bravo, Miss Frizzle, Yelena Belova and Bananas in Pajamas…what? You didn’t watch this show, too?

My God, is it lunch time already? I leave the building - because the cost of the food here is disproportionate to the quality. Still, there is a place a couple of train stations away offering Heaven on a stick. I'm talking about Chungchun. Korean corn dogs with odd, tasty crap on them. Was I even alive before I discovered those? The gamsung, as I noted elsewhere, is the GOAT, especially with chipotle sauce.

Eyes on the prize, now. I zig-zag down the various blocks looking for someway to occupy my mind en route to the treasure. The dog is just as amazing as the last few years. I head back the way I came. So glad a place like this is in my neck of the woods. A gamsung dog will be just the thing to chase away the winter blues.

Now's the time for the other panel today: Breaking Bard: Improvised Shakespearean Comedy in 709. A mash-up of contemporary media and classic prose. I had a lot of fun with this. Fan Expo is over for the day and, thankfully, I'm not as turned around trying to leave as I usually get around this point in the trip. Maybe, things are getting better. And there goes my stomach. My snacks are depleted. Better grab dinner.

Tonight, I feel like grabbing something fattening yet unoriginal: a cheeseburger, onion rings and a chocolate shake from A&W. A tribute to the meal I wanted to have and the movie I wanted to see last year on Sunday, but couldn't. Speaking of movies...

On the way to Hot Docs. I remember the Letterboxd review clear as day: “If you're a fan of The Kids in the Hall, Queer Punk or having fun!”. I'm a fan of at least two of those things! Mouth Congress. Never heard of it, but I didn't have much going on tonight anyway.

Now, this is pretty interesting. A Q&A featuring Scott Thompson and Paul Bellini. The review mentioned this, but you just never know. Great fun. The performance was good, too. Not my kind of music, but I enjoyed it.

Pacing myself, I hurry to the bus stop, a blanket of darkness over the city. The night life may be for most people, but not so much for this cat. I hop on the bus down Dundas. Rather quiet, which suits me fine. Still, I glance out the window and wonder what life would be like here. Someday.

All the stuff I did today and my mind only now returns to the girls. I tiptoe to my room and quietly enter the code. I slip in and strip down to my boxers and grab my laptop for some stimulation. I keep quiet and listen in. No sound.

Yes! They aren't in. Maybe, I can get some sleep. Still, the thought of not having to get any sleep - with regards to this year’s roomies - excites me.

Saturday

Perhaps, things will be more interesting at Fan Expo today. I stretch and let out a moan, but not too loud of one. I'm surrounded by strangers and attention may screw up my routine something fierce, so I bury my head in my pillow.

Even in another country, I need to get my routine going. I cue up the end titles of “The Beverly Hillbillies” on YouTube. No cartoons afterwards, though...at least, not right away. I rush to the shower. Got to beat the girls there, presuming they got in while I slept. No interruptions during or after. Awesome.

Ready to go, but I feel like changing things up, breakfast-wise. This year’s scheduling of Fan Expo made tomorrow morning’s excursion a lot more interesting. Before I make it to the door, however...

“Very good morning, isn’t it?”

“I guess”, I murmur with a shrug.

“Exiting so soon?”

“Why do you want to know?”

Another smirk. She was definitely not expecting that.

“Not that it’s your business, but Desiree and I had another day of fun planned.”

Do I say ‘yes?’ Hell, I don’t even know what they did yesterday. Should I ask? Do I want to put my plans aside for them? Then again, I’ll just be seeing them again tonight. Would their plans be so much different from mine?

“So…looking for another guest?”

“Oh, no. We’re good. Just wanted to let you know.”

Lovely. She turns back towards her room and closes the door, just long enough for Desiree to give a quick wave. I shake my head. A lesser man couldn’t put up with this.

Very happy to spend another morning in Toronto. I walk down Manning just in time for a bus to pull up. I get on, careful not to make myself too comfortable. There’s another one to catch. 

Each time I step into Saving Gigi's, I eagerly await - with Harley Quinn-like awe - that sandwich. Why don't more places use cheese biscuits? Guaranteed sellers! Not that hard to grasp. I cart the meal off to parts unknown. The waiting is getting to me.

This sandwich is still too damn hot, even to hold, but that's nothing that a beverage won't cure. Off to Shoppers Drug Mart and two one-liter bottles of iced tea.

Heat is not only a problem in terms of my meal, but the weather as well. My hand towel is in my backpack, but I need to fish it out. The sweat is already developing on my body. Such a pain in the butt.

Except for situations when I'm in an unfamiliar city, I can't imagine taking public transformation. Still, this is my idea of a nice experience. I settle into a seat and catch up on the stream some kind soul on Reddit uploads each Saturday morning. “Snorks” again. Dude must love that show. The Law of Averages dictates that someone has to.

Now, I'm at Ossington Station where two trains separate me from the awesomeness of Fan Expo. A lot of people on their phones. Some of them look to be dressed like characters from some anime I've never heard of, let alone seen. Getting old sucks.

Amazingly, I thought, for a brief moment, that I forgot my badge. As I walk toward the Convention Center, I dig through my shorts pocket and grab onto the lanyard. Crisis averted. I would hate to have to turn back at this juncture. Once again, my path takes me to the South Building.

There’s not much of a line for Blockbuster Backstories in 711. I guess only Reddit-stalking dorks like me care about stuff like that. No matter. There’s actually a couple of things here that were new to me.

I’ve only a short time to make it across the bridge, so of course, there’s a logjam. Still, nice to get glimpses of fun cosplay: Sleeping Beauty, Lady Loki, Milo and Kida from Atlantis: the Lost Empire, Agatha Harkness, a game show host, Red Green (it’s a Canada thing), two different takes on Tony Stark and The Winter Soldier.

On my way to my next panel: William Shatner: Boldly Going Beyond in Room 100. The last time I was at one of these featuring him was 2014. Damn weird to think it was so long ago. Age doesn't seem to have dulled him. 

Next panel is Mason Thames: From The Black Phone to How to Train Your Dragon in 206. Whatever you want to say about that remake, at least Tom Holland didn't get cast as Hiccup, just what a lot of unoriginal Internet morons would've willed into being. Good guy and I'm looking forward to the Black Phone sequel.

As much as I’d like to keep my seat for the impending panel - Great Scott! A Look Into the Iconic Back to the Future happening in the same room - the jerks clear the rooms between panels. Oh, well. Back in line, which is even longer than the line for the previous panel. Why am I so interested in this one when the other panels about the movies held no interest? Bob Gale and Mary Steenburgen. As I hoped, their recollections were truly interesting.

Lunch time, at long last. I have no desire to go too far from the building. Hey, I just don't feel like traveling too much. Sometimes, all you want to do is sit your ass down and relax with a delicious poutine from the food truck outside. Of course, that means getting through the long line. After that, I can enjoy the poutine and wash it down with a lukewarm iced tea. Enjoy the simple things.

Deathly dull when you have a lot of time to kill between panels, but there’s so much to see. The show floor of the North Building isn't quite as crowded as that of the South Building (which I plan on going to when I get bored here), making it easy to maneuver around. It's something of a disappointment when you look to a signing booth and find your fave celebrity is nowhere around. Granted, they have lives, too, but still... Just one more stop to go.

“Emily Strikes Back”. Room 709. I'd wanted to see this the last couple years, but circumstances kept me away. Not so, tonight. Fun little play with some terrific performers. Man, it's getting late. I need to get out of here.

Bank Bao can’t fulfill all of my culinary needs. I’d heard about this new place I wanted to try. As such, I’m going to get dinner from Sea Witch. Never had a traditional serving of Fish and Chips, but we're doing it up right tonight. Not too bad. 

Taking the bus back home is the only plan I have. There's a lot of walking involved before and after the bus ride, but on vacation, one must take the exercise where one can get it. Finally, I'm back and I kick my shoes off. I practically rip my socks off afterward. God help me, I just want to relax.

Watching television for the night on my phone. That wonderful soul responsible for the Saturday morning stream also puts up SNICK reruns for the night. Good times. Of course, I do my usual thing of checking Svengoolie content on YouTube. The best of both worlds. I hear a giggle from the other room. I should ignore it...but I won't

I peek my door open and take a look around. Nothing. Back to my room fo--

“Now, what were you hoping to accomplish there?” Callie. Such a nice name, by the way.

“What?”

“I know you were looking out for me or us. Scared?”

“No.”

“Perfect. Good night, you.”

Sleep. Now.

Sunday

Waking up in a strange place surrounded by strangers. Is this what life is like for more confident people?

How I get ready for the day changes from day to day, but Sunday hardly changes. Unless I’m going someplace - like a movie, I don’t get ready at all.

“You figure it out, yet?”

“To be honest, I’m still rolling it around in my head.”

“Honesty? It’s taking this long?”

“Everything in due time.”

How long does it take you to make a decision?”

“Eight seconds.”

“Lollygagger. You have until tonight.”

“Looking forward to it.”

Astonishing that I could be so bold with a woman, but I have big plans for this morning. 

Right down Manning to Dundas for a bus ride to St. Patrick Station, then a subway to King Station and a brisk walk to my destination.

Eat to live, don’t live to eat, people say. I say fuck that noise! It’s Hothouse!
Waffles with syrup and bacon and French toast,
bagels with cream cheese of many they can boast,
two kinds of sausage topped with scrambled eggs,
who really needs all the blood to their legs?
Roasted potatoes, rice pilaf and stir-fry,
so many goodies can make you ugly cry,
cookies and brownies I will squirrel away,
is there anything else for me to say?

Yeah, it’s a real stroke of luck that Fan Expo is so close by, but it’s still a ways to get there. Good. Every bit of exercise I can get, I’ll take. 

On the way, I notice quite a few people in cosplay: Nick Fury, Morticia Addams, Beth from “Total Drama Island” and a mix of Spider-Man and Captain America. Also, I could swear that I got of glimpse of Aunt Gladys from Weapons.

Understand that me going to this panel is based primarily on nostalgia and not because I still like this: Celebrate 30 Years of DiC Sailor Moon With Pretty Heroes and Bear Sailor Moon in 711. Memories of the dub - and some of its more unusual lines - pop up from time to time. Eh, why fight it? I think I found my people.

From there, I hurry toward the bridge to make in time for the next panel: A Conversation With Ron Perlman: Hellboy to Hollywood Legend in 206. If nothing else, this managed to be even more entertaining than the C2E2 panel from 2013.

Robert Picardo. Veteran of “Star Trek: Voyager” and almost every Joe Dante movie. Booked so late there wasn’t even time to get him a panel, so he’s just autographing stuff. What better time than the present?

Eating the food here, I’ve found to be unsatisfying, to say nothing of costly. Thankfully, there’s the option of lunch at Union Station. I decide on falafel from Paramount Fine Foods, to have at least one, non-meat, semi healthy meal traversing my system this weekend.

And back to the other building we go to partake in some Jurassic Trivia! in 709. As ever, I'm forced to guess at the less softball questions, but teamwork does indeed make the dream work and we manage to pull ahead by ten points at the end.

Kinda worried I might not get into the last panel. It’s at 5:15 and the last panel last year kicked us out at five. Still, The Many Worlds of Hailee Steinfeld in Room 100 promised something good. The inaugural convention experience didn’t seem to phase her one bit, but then again, she’s put up with Bills fans. Ain’t nothing taking her down.

So long to Fan Expo Canada for one more year. Would I love to come back? Well, obviously, if the money is there. Chaotic, noisy, crowded…but there’s just an energy here you can’t get anywhere else.

Sonic Boom. No trip to Toronto is complete without it. No surprise soundtracks for me, but the ambiance is gift enough. 

Up Spadina Street we go for another dinner from Bank Bao Menu. Ebi bao, fries and Arizona sweet tea. Nice mix of tastes.

Catching the bus down Dundas one more time, I take in the sights. Even on Sunday night, the area is alive with activity. Maybe, I’m romanticizing this too much, but I can’t overemphasize how much I would love to live here.

Knowledge of tonight’s quiz weighing heavily on my head, I open my laptop and check out a “Twilight Zone” rerun on Amazon Prime. “A Nice Place to Visit”. Pretty much.

I turn toward my door. “Yes?”

“Now, you have to tell me. Who do the purple panties belong to?”

Good God, do I want this to end. I think for a moment. Suddenly, it comes to me.

“Of course!”

“For real?”

“For real.”

“All right, then, smart guy. Who do they belong to?”

“Definitely not either of you.”

“Exceptional deduction. How do you figure that?”

“As you can see, they seem pretty worn and I doubt you'd have taken worn panties on a trip like this.”

“Darling, if they didn’t come from us, whose are they?”

“Panties…those belong to the host.”

“Oh. Well, they'd have to. I've never seen those before this weekend.”

“Delightful. So...do I win anything?”

“Come here.” I follow her to her room and the door shuts behind me.

Airbnbs have been getting a bad rap, but this one led to an incredible experience, so I refuse to hear anything against them.

So long have I waited for something like this and when it happens, you don't know what to say.

They have their way with me in every way they can think of...and a few I'd only dreamt about.

Each time I think I can't go on, they drag me back for another round...and I liked it.

Really, there is my life before and after this night...and I much prefer after.

Monday

It's the morning after Fan Expo. When nerds do their walk of shame back to their button down lives...but I experienced a different kind of walk. I'm back in my bed in my old room. I don't even remember coming back. Eh, what the hell. A shower and a fresh outfit may help me get my mind together.

There's a knock at the door. A little nervous, I open it.

“So, did you have a nice time?”

“None nicer. The guests in the other room were very...interesting.”

On her face is a look of confusion. “What other guests?”

“The two girls in the other room.”

“Girls? There weren't any girls. You had this place all to yourself.”

“Oh, no. That can't be. I distinctly remember...” And that's when it hit me. I didn't recall them mentioning any places they went to. They talked only to me. I couldn't think of a single person that could vouch for their existence. What's more, no pictures.

“‘No drugs’. I believe that was one of the house rules.”

“Never touch that crap. I'm clean.”

“And by the way, you didn't see anything unusual in here during your stay, did you?”

“Besides a pair of purple underwear?”

Rueful. That's how I would describe her current expression.

“I had a very pleasant stay. I just might come back next year.”

“No problem”, she murmurs as she bids a hasty retreat.

Good Lord. All I want to do now is get a breakfast sandwich from Masa Deli and maybe a couple of donuts from Better Days. Gonna be a lot of fun sneaking those past customs.

Heading back to pack my stuff, I'm forced to come to terms with something that should've been obvious.

I hallucinated two hot girls staying in the Airbnb.

Moreover, I hallucinated them wanting to get down with me.

Best case scenario, I can make a pretty good living with what I came up with.

Alternatively, this is the sign that I've finally snapped and my imagination was teasing me with an elaborate (yet wholly fictional) scenario.

Crushing realization that I chose my Fan Expo schedule over getting to know two women, even if they didn't exist. Still...

Killer imagination I've got, don't you think?

Because I’m hungry.

(Yeah, it's a month late. Shit happens. I went to the Erie County Fair the other day, but don't expect a post about that.)

No matter how I try to fight it, I invariably end up downtown every second Saturday in July for the Taste of Buffalo. Unfortunately, factors have conspired to keep me from enjoying the full maximum of the trip, none more heinous (okay, the punishing, Arizonian heat was pretty bad) than the fact that virtually every food item available this year would cost 10 tickets. There were smaller portions available for four and some food items were significantly less pricey, but for the most part, they were pretty much 10 tickets each. What kind of bullshit is that?

However, much like an aspiring filmmaker facing a similar situation in pursuit of what he or she wants, the dearth of coin forces you to be creative and I am nothing if not creative.

First of all, a nice little appetizer for me. The Crab Cake from BW's Barbecue.

In the words of Michael Bluth, “I don’t know what I expected.” Still, portions aside, it was quite good and the sauce complemented it nicely.

Next, the smaller portion of the Steak and Cheese Dip from Steaksters.

I remember a time when the portions of dips would be bigger and the ticket cost was smaller. Still, for what was here, not bad.

Enough appetizers. It's time for a more substantial course with the Lobster Mac and Cheese from MAC Lady Catering.

Some meals just don't stand up to a small, cup-sized presentation and this is one of them. 

By this point, the heat is killing me, so I grab a drink: Zero Sugar Coca-Cola. Some people say that this is just as dangerous as regular soda, but let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Not listed on the official menu was a pop-up of Frank's Gourmet Hot Dogs. While I've been disappointed at every meal I've had from them that wasn't hot dogs (Seriously, why do they keep making chicken tenders? The flavoring is annoyingly inconsistent.), I couldn't help but be intrigued at the idea of Pastrami Poutine.

It lived up to (and even surpassed) my low expectations. Sometimes, the best stuff is off the beaten path.

From here, I took some time away from the food and tried my hand at the football game at the WBBZ booth. Unlike the last few years, I actually got the ball through the hole and, among some unimpressive prizes, I chose a pen. A tote bag would've been nice, but this beats the hell out of nothing.

I planned on using my tickets for a Bao Bun from Anchi a la Carte, but then, I spied the packaging they used to make another of their meals and decided that life was too short and the plebes could have their pre-packaged crap.

Only 36 tickets left. 7 of them go to Just Pizza for a few BBQ Chicken Wings for Mom (P.S. She wouldn't even notice that they were in the fridge for the week they spent there. I ended up eating them myself. Waste not, want not.)

Checking my math, I have room for about three more dishes. May as well get to it. First, the Cheeseburger Log from Steaksters.

To be honest, I kind of missed these guys. Also, actual dipping sauce instead of disgusting oil. Glory be. One of my favorites of the Taste.

Now's about the time for me to enjoy some dessert to cap off the meal. The Banana Pudding from Golden Hour Treats.

Ten tickets...for this?! Fucking bullshit. It'd cost less for a banana parfait at the cafe in my office...and the size would be even remotely proportional to the cost...and one of the banana pieces wouldn't be goddamn frozen! Okay. That's out of my system.

Happily, my last 9 tickets would be spent on the Chocolate Brownie Mousse Cups from Not Just Cakes. I figure that I needed a better dessert to end this year's Taste. However...did I mention the heat?

It still tasted pretty damn good, but then, it was practically chocolate cake. How could it not?

The money, the heat, the crowds...all of them drove me bananas and yet, I'll more than likely be back for more next July. Why? Because, apparently, I'm as much a glutton for punishment as I am for the local cuisine. Hell, it's more than likely a photo finish.

Hitting a wrong note.

Okay, I’ve needed a few days to roll this around in my mind and responding at the board the post originated from isn’t gonna do anything because it’s the kind of board that doesn’t kick posts back to the top just because you post a response to something.

Apparently, using music that doesn’t belong to you on a film music podcast is a good way to get sued. There are rare exceptions like the awesome The Goldsmith Odyssey but really, is this true? I’ve been planning for the last year or so to do my own film music podcast about my favorite scores and other aspects of film music that interest me. How and why is this even an issue? I mean, whatever happened to Fair Use?

I really need the clips of film music in my episodes. If people aren’t allowed to hear the music that the podcast host(s) are talking about, the hosts just come off as fucking crazy people. And Lord knows there are way too many raisin cakes like that in all other aspects of life (mild sidebar: sad as it is for me to admit, there are quite a few unironic “What about White History Month?!” jagoffs at the Film Score Monthly message boards right now and here’s hoping that the impending new site can weed them out).

Maybe, I can get a proper consensus from a more populous film music community about this. I have so much to say about the music I love, so you can bet your ass I will find some kind of workaround.

Witty Comic-Con title.

Let's stop screwing around and get to it, shall we?

Thursday

11th Annual Musical Anatomy of a Superhero and Other Heroes | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 10:00a - Every year, I extoll the potential joys and virtues of going to an honest-to-God panel of composers and nerding out with fellow film music fans, but though I recognize most of the names spotlighted here, I'm still getting the biggest "They took the idols and smashed them! And who do we got now? Some nobodies!" sensation. Maybe, it's time for something different to kick off Comic-Con.

Great Cartoonists and Comedians We Have Known | Room 9 | 10:00a - Apparently, Leonard Maltin and Mark Evanier will be regaling an audience with stories of the incredible talent they've met. This sounds way more fulfilling than getting a composer to explain why a tone-deaf executive didn't want any hummable themes in their scores.

Rhapsody PR’s 17th Annual Behind-the-Music Panel: Supersonic | Room 29CD | 11:30a - Pretty much all the stuff I said above, but what the fuck else am I gonna do with this time? Talk to people?!

2nd Annual From Script to Screen: Behind the Camera of Film and TV | Room 7AB | 12:00p - Even more composers here, but other creatives are here as well, going into the parts that make up our favorite movies.

Weird Al-Gorithim Live: 40 Years of "Dare to Be Stupid" | Neil Morgan Auditorium, San Diego Central Library | 12:00p - A podcast does a deep dive on the Weird Al album. Mad love for the title track and there are some solid bangers supporting it ("Like a Surgeon", "One More Minute", "This is the Life").

Malcolm and Friends | Room 6A | 12:30p - Not sure what kind of pull the guy from "Timeless" has to swing a panel like this, but I hope I get it someday.

2nd Annual Fan Favorites: Behind the Scenes of Popular Film and TV Shows | Room 7AB | 1:00p - Another panel of various creatives bringing projects to life.

Hallmark Hallstars | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 1:45p - Okay, now I've seen everything. A bevy of Hallmark movie stars talking up their future projects. Didn't see this coming.

Nightmare Notes | Room 29AB | 2:00p - Animation writers have dealt with a number of idiotic network notes and some of them are gonna share. Given that some of them worked in the 1980s, they definitely have some doozies.

1985: Greatest Geek Year III | Room 5AB | 3:00p - Having done a cram session of roughly 25 scores in two days for FSM‘s forthcoming Retro FSMies - 1985 article, I feel I’m uniquely qualified to attend this panel.

The Blerd Panel | Room 7AB | 4:00p - I am Blerd, hear me roar. There have got to be all kinds of different experiences I could hear about here.

CBR's Magnificent Trivia and Hijinx Gauntlet | Grand 10 and 11, Marriott Marquis San Diego Marina | 4:00p - Because I couldn't possibly resist a fake game show setting at a convention.

The Choice Behind the Voice | Room 23ABC | 7:00p - Voice actors go into how they came up with the voices for their characters. Sounds fascinating.

The 28th Annual Superhero Kung Fu Extravaganza | Room 6A | 8:00p - An assemblage of guests, clips, previews and, no doubt, the words "Holy shit!" exclaimed repeatedly and excitedly.

Friday

The Black Panel | Room 5AB | 10:00a - What once felt like an obligation may have turned very necessary. I consider myself reasonably talented, but how do I break in when the industry seems more and more calculated to keep me out?

Star Wars and More Movie Memories | Room 7AB | 12:00p - Not that familiar with Craig Miller, but there's no doubt that a man who marketed movies and wrote for cartoon shows has stories worth listening to. 

You’re Still Wrong, Leonard Maltin | Room 23ABC | 4:00p - If nothing else, the legendary critic is a good sport for being so willing to admit when he (and his team) badly misjudged a movie.

WTF Did I Just Watch? 25 Years of Titmouse's Craziest Animation Moments | Room 5AB | 7:30p - I've been a fan of Titmouse as far back as the cruelly underrated "Downtown". Wonderful that they've managed to stay in the game for so long. Their most recent project is "Kiff", quite the turnaround from the hallucination scenes of Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.

Ghostface’s Killer Trivia | Room 25ABC | 9:00p - There's something perverse about a trivia panel hosted by the voice of Ghostface, but, come on, you'd want to go, too.

Saturday

Coyote v. Acme | Hall H | 10:00a - Well, it’s finally happening. The outfit that bought and released The Day the Earth Blew Up managed to get their hands on this and, next year, it will be bloody happening in theaters. Fuck you with fifty rusty bayonets all at the same time, David Zaslav. Fuck you very much.

Real Stories, Real People: Why Representation in Film Matters | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 10:00a - I'm working on quite a few scripts featuring POC leads, so it never hurts to have a support system to reassure you why this is a good idea.

DreamWorks Animation's The Bad Guys 2 | Hall H | 11:15a - A promising trailer + an uproarious short film before Dog Man = consider me hyped.

In Sync: Directors and Composers | Room 10 | 12:30p - Pretty much the same song, but it's all women here. Maybe, I should just walk away.

Cartoon Voices 1 | Room 6BCF | 1:00p - It's always fun to hear voice actors tear their way through a pre-existing script.

Moderated by Matt: the Art of Editing | Omni San Diego Hotel, Omni Grand Ballroom DE, 4th Floor | 1:00p - I think I need to know the ins and outs of editing if I'm to make it in the business.

What is the Best Superpower? | Room 25ABC | 4:00p - Because I will never be able to say it enough: shapeshifting.

Dread the Hall H: (Fictional) Comic Convention Horror Stories | Room 23ABC | 5:00p - Some 12 years ago brought the underrated comic "Fanboys vs. Zombies". Presumably more based in reality is this. I imagine that real life ordeals can yield fun stories.

Spider-Man: the Animated Series 30th Anniversary | Room 5AB | 5:30p - If only for the underscoring, I should do a re-watch of this show, but the writing should make it a neat revisit, as well.

MeTV's Svengoolie and the Sven Squad Make Their Comic-Con Debut! | Room 7AB | 7:30p - It's just not Saturday night without "The Three Stooges"* and "Svengoolie". (*Note: that’s Larry, Curly, Moe, Shemp and sometimes Joe, not the Sven Squad.)

The Animation Showrunner | Room 5AB | 7:30p - What goes into putting an animated cartoon series together? These folks know pretty well, I wager.

Sunday

Cartoon Voices II | Room 6A | 11:45a - Because I can never resist one of these panels...or two, as the case may be. We're being spoiled here.

Andreas Deja: 30 Years of Disney Villains | Room 6BCF | 1:00p - It was a behind the scenes special on Beauty and the Beast that I first heard his name. He was the lead animator for Gaston and he would go on to perform the same function for Jafar on Aladdin and Scar on The Lion King. Not a bad run.

An Afternoon with George Takei | Room 6A | 1:30p - A life like his is no doubt loaded with fascinating stories. I should look into getting his graphic novel.

From Indies to Blockbusters: The Power of Equity in Storytelling | Room 6DE | 1:45p - A panel about the lives of a number of creatives and the importance of giving a leg up to those who need the opportunities they aren't always afforded.

Starship Smackdown XXXVI: The Ship Hits the Fan Celebrity Showrunner Edition | Room 6A | 2:45p - What seems to be "Family Feud", but with genre showrunners as the contestants. Sounds fun.

Where Do Ideas Come From? | Room 28DE | 3:00p - How to get past writers' block. Lord knows it's something I could use.

Lugosi and Karloff: The Twin Titans of Terror | Room 32AB | 4:00p - A look at their careers and the movies they made together. Not a bad way to end Comic-Con.

July 24th. Let's flipping go.

Lalo Schifrin (1932-2025)

It was 1991. It might’ve been August. I’m not exactly sure. The cable channel Encore specialized in movies from the 60s, 70s and 80s. It was on this channel that I discovered the 1977 thriller Rollercoaster; not something a 10-year-old should’ve been watching, perhaps, but hey there you go. However, the music - a weird sort of calliope-type melody appropriate for the amusement park setting(s) - got my attention. That music was composed by Lalo Schifrin, who passed away the other day.

A few years later, I happened upon a creepy lullaby-like melody. This was from The Amityville Horror. (Clearly, I would watch anything even if I shouldn’t have been.) The composer? Schifrin again. This guy had a way with getting to the heart of a movie.

His orchestrations were quite clever: whistling (Kelly's Heroes, The Big Brawl), cimbalom (Love and Bullets, Joe Kidd) and electronics (the synthesizer tones in the opening of Golden Needles when the title comes up, to represent the needles at the center of the story, will never not amaze me), for instance.

I still maintain that his creative peak was from roughly 1976 to 1982. So many great scores from that time period (St. Ives, Day of the Animals, Rollercoaster, Telefon, Return from Witch Mountain, The Manitou, The Cat from Outer Space, Love and Bullets, The Concorde: Airport ‘79, The Big Brawl, Caveman, Amityville II: the Possession) and need I even mention “Mission: Impossible”?

Vaya con Dios, Maestro. You shall be missed.

The Passage (Michael J. Lewis)

 Cold Comfort
Another trip through The Passage
by
Tor Y. Harbin

"A bone-chilling manhunt that jolts every nerve."
- TV Spot for The Passage

If the ad copy for 1979's The Passage seemed a little hyperbolic, one could scarcely be blamed. The combination of an exciting premise, international movie stars and lush scenery couldn't help but promise entertainment. The task of bringing this all together fell to one man.

Given the many different kinds of movies he’s made over his four-decade movie career, you could argue that it would be difficult to put John Lee Thompson in a box. However, J. Lee (as he would professionally be known) was not one to back down from a challenge.

Thompson has written plays (starting at the age of nine as a hobby!), served as an actor and stagehand with the Nottingham Repertory Company and even served as a dialogue coach on Jamaica Inn working under no less than Alfred Hitchcock. Following a tour in World War II as a tailgunner and wireless operator, Thompson wrote scripts for Associated British before becoming a director with 1950's Murder Without Crime, adapting his own play for the screen.

A decade of films - most for Associated British - followed before his big international break with 1961's The Guns of Navarone. The box office hit led to a number of well-regarded films: the thriller Cape Fear, the historical adventures Taras Bulba and Kings of the Sun, the cult based horror Eye of the Devil and even a pair of comedies starring then-neighbor Shirley MacLaine (!) - What a Way to Go! and John Goldfarb, Please Come Home!.

In 1969, the sprawling Western Mackenna's Gold and the spy thriller The Chairman reunited him with Navarone/Cape Fear star Gregory Peck, though neither was as well-received. Into the 1970s, Thompson would be snatched up by What a Way... producer Arthur P. Jacobs to helm two sequels to his hit Planet of the Apes: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and Battle for the Planet of the Apes. The Reincarnation of Peter Proud and a handful of made-for-TV movies followed before the first two (of ultimately several) collaborations between Thompson and movie star Charles Bronson: St. Ives and The White Buffalo. The decade would be topped off by a pair of scenic genre pieces: the drama The Greek Tycoon and the WWII-set thriller The Passage.

Adapted by Bruce Nicolaysen from his own 1977 novel, "Perilous Passage", the film told the story of a Basque farmer who, as requested by members of the French resistance, must escort a renowned scientist - whose research could turn the tide of the Second World War in the Germans’ favor - and his family across the Pyrenees Mountains to safety, staying well-ahead of a fanatically determined SS officer. However, the snowy climate proves just as treacherous as their pursuer and the scientist's wife has been ailing for some time and may not survive the journey.

The scenic locations were furnished by the Victorine Studios in Nice, France, as well as the actual Pyrenees mountains. Among the film's producers was Maurice Binder, whose title sequences for the James Bond series were legendary. (His own title sequence for The Passage - white type against the wintry opening scenes - was considerably more low-key.)

Navarone co-star Anthony Quinn, fresh from a reunion with the director in the title role The Greek Tycoon, brought a nicely gruff attitude to The Basque (the character's actual name is never revealed). James Mason imbued scientist John Bergson with his usual dignity, matched by Patricia Neal (Hud) as his dear wife, Ariel. Kay Lenz, playing daughter Leah, had already made an impression earlier in the decade in American Graffiti and Clint Eastwood's Breezy, though her on-screen brother was considerably green. The son of The Sound of Music's Eleanor Parker, Paul Clemens made his film debut as Paul Bergson. Though he would be later known as a contributor to Famous Monsters of Filmland Magazine, he was a few years away from his most memorable role - the possessed hero of The Beast Within.

Perhaps it was Binder’s Bond connections (or just a strange coincidence) that led to a handful of series actors appearing in the film. French actor Michael Lonsdale played Renoudot with his best known role - Hugo Drax in Moonraker - to come later that year. (The French Connection’s Marcel Bozzuffi was his fellow Resistance member Perea.) Robert Brown played an oddly principled German major and, not long after, followed in the footsteps of Bernard Lee, playing M in the 1980s 007 series beginning with Octopussy. Christopher Lee - The Man With the Golden Gun himself - lent his considerable gravitas to the role of The Gypsy.

Much like Clemens, Robert Rhys would make his film debut as the son of a major character - the son of the Gypsy. However, this would be Rhys’s only feature film. Peter Arne (Straw Dogs, Victor/Victoria) made a late-film appearance as a guide recruited against his will by the Germans to scale the mountains. (Also, one can spot a young and uncredited Jim Broadbent - later of Moulin Rouge!, the Harry Potter series and Hot Fuzz, among many other credits - as a German guard assigned to watch over Leah.)

Though the biggest impression - for good and ill - would be made by Malcolm McDowell as pursuing SS officer Capt. Von Berkow. The role - sitting at a 180-degree remove from his sweet, timid H.G. Wells in the same year's Time After Time and deranged enough to make his breakthrough role, A Clockwork Orange's Alex DeLarge, look like an Eagle Scout - saw the actor going for broke, whether backflipping off of a rock after tossing a grenade at Bozzuffi or donning a chef's hat and smock to chop off Lonsdale's fingers. In a 1995 Starlog interview, McDowell stated, "We all knew real early on that the movie was not going to be any great work of art and so I was determined to have some fun with it. My attitude was that if I was gonna play a Nazi, I was gonna take it totally over the top and do it right. I ended up playing the character like a pantomime queen. What I was doing was so far out that James Mason turned to me one day and said, ‘That’s wonderful, dear boy, but are you in our film? You seem to be doing something different from the rest of us.’.” The impish grin on McDowell‘s face just before he has Lee's Gypsy set on fire is a perfect encapsulation of the actor’s approach to the role and the project. (For his part, Lee - much like Thompson, a World War II veteran - was upset with the scene where McDowell‘s Von Berkow whipped off his trousers to reveal a jock strap emblazoned with a swastika.)

Released by United Artists in the United States March 9, 1979, The Passage would not be a financial success, spending as little as one week in some theaters. With the surprising exception of The New York Times - which hailed the film as "very well done" containing "a general air of excitement, suspense and horror" - the critical response was not particularly favorable, with one major critic calling the film "trashy" and stating further "McDowell's campy performance must be seen to be disbelieved". Even some of the stars expressed doubt over the film's prospects, with Mason telling his on-screen daughter Lenz, "Mark my words. All films that are predominantly in thick snow are a flop at the box office. Somehow, they make an audience feel uncomfortably cold and damp."

In spite of its initial reception, The Passage has been appraised over the years as a solid, if unspectacular, thriller, helped by Michael Reed's (On Her Majesty's Secret Service) widescreen cinematography, the committed efforts of its cast and its music score.

Up to this point in his career as a journeyman director, Thompson worked with, arguably, some of the greatest film composers to ever practice the form: Dimitri Tiomkin, Bernard Herrmann, Franz Waxman, Elmer Bernstein, John Williams, Quincy Jones, John Addison, Leonard Rosenman, Henry Mancini, George Duning, Lalo Schifrin, John Barry and Jerry Goldsmith. Soon to be added to this illustrious roster was Michael J. Lewis.

Born in Aberystwyth, Wales in 1939, his education at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama led to a stage musical, "Please Sir". The production garnered the attention of filmmaker Bryan Forbes, who hired Lewis for 1969's The Madwoman of Chaillot.

Whether the blues of 92 in the Shade, the wry Shakespearean mayhem of Theatre of Blood or the rafter-shaking thrills of The Medusa Touch, the Welshman's talent cannot be denied. His music for The Passage is similarly robust, buoyed by a charge-ahead main theme that represents the characters' drive to survive their perilous journey.

Track-by-track notes:

1. Into Action - Following an unscored prologue of the Resistance members requesting the Basque’s services, Lewis introduces his main theme on militaristic snare and boisterous brass over footage of the Pyrenees. At 0:41, strings take up the melody. 1:12 brings out a somewhat apprehensive-sounding B theme; much like the main melody, a horn introduction is soon followed by strings. The cue fades out over a train arriving at Toulouse…carrying the Basque.

2b. Hesitation - As Renoudot guides the Basque to the bordello sheltering the Bergson family, cautious strings and drum beats build steadily in the background, accentuating the nobility of this mission.

13. Bordello Time - A source cue for piano sampled as the SS swoops down on the bordello, forcing an early departure for the Bergsons.

2a. Preparation - The Basque and the Bergsons escape the bordello, the nobility motif following their moves. Xylophone joins in halfway through as one of the officers gets the drop on them, but the Basque knocks him out, quivering strings sounding a death knell as the officer is choked to death.

2c. Planning - Von Berkow has captured Renoudot. As the captain monologues about his familial line and his embrace of the Nazi order, a new melody arises. Backed by strings and supported by martial drums is a repeating five-note horn motif, almost threatening the listener, “Von Ber-kow is here.”

3a. Further Preparation - The Basque and the Bergsons have made it onto a train. Strings suggesting the Von Berkow motif play as an SS officer recognizes the professor. In the chaos, the emergency brake is pulled and the Basque disposes of another SS officer. Strings and drums play as the passengers frantically depart the train.

3b. Thoughts - Nazi officers spray the departing passengers with gunfire, hoping to nail the Bergsons. Resistance members return fire, making short work of the Germans and the train. An ensuing explosion knocks Paul unconscious. As the professor cries out for his son, more Nazi-march strings appear. The Basque begrudgingly helps the professor rescue the young man.

3c. Getting Ready - The Basque and the Bergsons hitch a ride with a gypsy caravan. Unfortunately, they are stopped by the SS. Strings and snare coil around as Von Berkow investigates the vehicle. Leah (introducing herself as Petra) tries to draw attention away from her father hiding inside. Her excuse that the man is sick manages to work on the Nazi…and even though he socks her for her trouble, he is quite taken by this beguiling young woman.

3d. Further Thoughts - After a bit of forced “lovemaking” (this, of course, being a euphemism for what really transpires during the scene), Von Berkow confronts “Petra” upon recognizing a ring on her finger, the same one he noticed in a photograph. He leaves her alone with a young guard to watch over her, cello grinding away with winds and xylophone playing a tense melody. The Basque, meanwhile, was held captive in another room, but he slips away and rescues the young woman, a sudden horn hit for the guard’s knock out.

4a. Awakenings - The Basque presents the Bergsons with the Pyrenees mountains they will need to traverse. Rather than play up the majesty of the mountains, Lewis introduces a flute-based love theme (more representative of familial love than of traditional romance) that is abruptly cut off in the film with the sudden cut to the captive gypsies.

4b. Pyrenean Prospect - As our heroes scale the mountain, Lewis cuts loose with his love theme, giving special attention to the strings, harp and recorder. (The last 50 seconds are not heard in the film.)

4c. Trouble Ahead - With four soldiers and an unwilling French guide from the village, Von Berkow follows the family up the mountain, the music a trudging rendition of the opening credits, as if the players themselves were struggling to make their way through the snow.

5. Apassionata - Ariel Bergson realizes the end is near and that, in her weakened condition, she would be a drag on the travelers. The love theme is palpably distraught as she silently bids her family goodbye and wanders from their hut out into the snow. The Basque witnesses this, but says nothing. The music turns funereal as Ariel collapses in the snow.

6. Troubled Times - Cello and harp play the love theme as the Bergsons give their matriarch a proper funeral and the Basque admits that he has also known loss, as with the death of his wife. However, this pause has given the Germans a chance to catch up, the music taking on a darker character.

7a. Setting Out - One is unsure where this brief cue of xylophone and pounding horns was meant to go.

7b. Pursuit - The Germans have set up a barricade, stifling the heroes’ efforts. Electronics augment the worried-sounding strings before leading into a frantic passage for xylophone and flutes as one of the soldiers spies the professor stepping from behind a tree. Gun drawn, the young soldier approaches him before being felled by the Basque. Low end piano finishes the cue off.

8. Battle Sequence - The family attempts to get past the German-guarded bridge. Lewis provides a tense yet rousing accompaniment of snare, percussion and horns as Paul struggles to cross the underside of the bridge (it was likely assumed that the rushing water under the bridge would’ve drowned out the music and so, the last minute of the cue is not heard in the film).

9. Anguish - The Basque knifes another German, the action cue highlighted by xylophone and hints of the main theme. The music rumbles along as Leah gets behind the wheel of an enemy truck. It's not long before a nosy soldier meets his end at the hands of the Basque. 

10a. Chase - Paul sprays a group of soldiers with gunfire, effecting an escape and allowing the action music to operate at a faster pace.

10b. Get Them - Having been stripped of his ranks for his overzealous nature, Von Berkow swears to capture the Bergsons despite the family being protected by having made it into Spain. From a snowy peak, the Basque teases Von Berkow by yelling out German phrases, hoping to draw his fire and cause an avalanche on the hapless officer. The majority of the music was dialed out of the film but, as heard here, this would’ve made a driving suspense cue, complete with a frenzied coda for Von Berkow being buried in the snow.

11. Nightmare - The Basque and the surviving Bergsons have settled in the farmer’s cabin. However, a bloodied Von Berkow has caught up with them, eerie, disorienting music (also dialed out) underscoring his gruesome massacre of the heroes…which turns out to be the officer’s death dream; he dies before any killing can take place.

12. Finale/Theme from The Passage - The love theme returns as the Bergsons say their goodbyes to the Basque. The melody continues in an exuberant string rendition over the end credits and one last shot of the Pyrenees.

14. Relaxing at Bordello - This source cue is not heard in the film. It is, more than likely, a first draft piece for the bordello scene. Given that the cue’s jaunty nature is at odds with the SS officers’ search, one can’t be surprised that the producers told Lewis to give it another go.

Alf Clausen (1941-2025)

Anyone whose watched "The Simpsons" (the first decade, anyway) will no doubt be familiar with the underscoring and the songs, both of which (for the most part) were provided by Alf Clausen, who recently passed away. On the show, he also did witty arrangements of Danny Elfman's theme for the end credits.

But he was so much more than the people of Springfield. He provided music for TV shows such as "Moonlighting" and "ALF" ("No relation", he'd respond in regards to the title.) and served as an orchestrator for Ira Newborn (The Naked Gun, Dragnet) and Lee Holdridge (The Beastmaster, Splash). 

To this day, one can only wondering what was going through the heads of the people in charge - besides air - when Clausen was let go from "The Simpsons", which he helped define musically. Who knows?

In any event, he will be missed.