The movies of 2022.

The gap between movies I saw in a theater and movies I saw on streaming was close: 28-23 in favor of theaters. They ain’t dead yet, bitches! Anyway...

My favorite movies of 2022:

10. Emergency - Like some beautiful, freakish hybrid of After Hours and House Party, this socially conscious dramedy balances nerve-wracking tension with solid character beats.

9. The Bad Guys - Animated caper comedy from Dreamworks is just plain fun with an offbeat sense of humor.

8. Scream 5 - Much more brutal than the previous Scream movies, but just as effective in its handling of suspense and knowing movie references.

7. Prey - A very clever prequel to the Predator movies, with exciting action, great atmosphere and a strong performance from Amber Midthunder.

6. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - Making a worthy sequel - and without the original's leading man - is a tall order, but Ryan Coogler met the challenge and succeeded impressively.

5. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery - Making a worthy sequel - with even more direct social commentary - is quite the endeavor, but Rian Johnson, aided by a fine cast and terrific art direction, created another gem.

4. The Black Phone - Wonderfully intense thriller benefits from its fascinating evocation of the late 1970s and a rare villain turn from Ethan Hawke.

3. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish - Exciting action, strong emotional beats and unpredictable animation make this the best film of the Shrek franchise.

2. Everything Everywhere All at Once - One of the most vibrant, original and engaging movies of the year, with talented actors tearing it up across a number of universes.

1. Turning Red - From its character dynamics to its Candy-colored settings, this is another winner from Pixar.

Runners-up:

Ambulance

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio

Kimi

The Menu

Nope

Strange World

Violent Night

Wendell & Wild

The Woman King

Underrated:

The Gray Man, Hocus Pocus 2 (yes, I’m serious) and Honk for Jesus. Save Your Soul.

Overrated:

The Banshees of Inisherin, Barbarian and The Batman

Gonna do something a little different here. With regards to my opening line, let's play a game called:

Streaming exclusives that should've been released in theaters:

Kimi, Prey, Turning Red, Wendell & Wild

And, in the interest of fairness...

Theatrical movies that should've been relegated to streaming:

Morbius, The 355

My favorite things in movies - 2022:

Daniel Roebuck in The Munsters

the death montage in Puss in Boots: the Last Wish

The first act of Barbarian

The flashback in Nope

The improvised surgery in Ambulance

Leah Brady deals with a couple of filthy animals in Violent Night

The motorcycle chase in Jurassic World: Dominion

The office fight in Everything Everywhere All at Once

The puzzle box montage and Rick Heinrichs' production design in Glass Onion: a Knives Out Mystery

The scenes between Jon Hamm and John Slattery in Confess, Fletch

The training montage of The Black Phone

Tyler's bullshit in The Menu

Random thoughts:

- Saoirse Ronan is a good actress, but between how much her character annoyed me in the trailer for See How They Run and the utterly chokeable witch that was Lady Bird (seriously, this was a fucking Best Picture nominee?!), maybe it's best I avoid her stuff for a couple of years or so.

- The rom-com I Want You Back received a hypothetical script doctoring at The Avocado. I’m still amazed that this was even produced. What am I talking about? Peep this: These two people have both just gone through break-ups and their exes have already moved on to new relationships. Instead of the two of them moving on, and, you know, being mature about this, they decide to wreck their exes’ new relationships - thus ruining four innocent lives - because “they belong with me”. Okay, first question: why would I root for these assholes? Second question: no, seriously, why? Follow-up question: are you out of your goddamn mind?

- Not Okay was about a young woman who faked a trip to France, but the country actually gets invaded, forcing her to keep up the charade. 20th Century Studios likely figured that there would never be a good time to release this, so they figured "Let's just throw it out there. We'll weather the storm." Someone at the Disqus board didn't get it, so I was forced to explain myself: 'Read the plot summary again, only substitute Paris with the Ukraine.'. He still didn't get it. I know COVID eats away at the brain cells, but those germs must've thought it was goddamn Thanksgiving when he caught it.

- Pete Davidson (BTW, love the tweet theorizing that he is what Beetlejuice looked like when he was alive) had a cameo in I Want You Back, but he's the co-lead of another streaming rom-com: Meet Cute. You think I Want You Back had a messed-up premise? You ain’t heard nothing yet! Dig it: a young woman meets this guy and she feels like he’s a perfect match for her, but there are some things about him that she would like to change, so - accessing a time traveling tanning bed (Lord, I wish I was kidding) - she decides to go back and change some things about the guy to make him an acceptable mate for her. In what freaking universe is this not a horror movie? Bright side…well, as bright a side as you can have with a company that takes premises like this and makes them into movies: there’s no way I can’t get in, right?

- Really, Tim Allen? You couldn't fight your own battles about not getting to voice the title character in Lightyear, so you had to get your friends Patricia Heaton (who, I'm convinced, really - or seems to think she - is Frankie Heck) and Tom Hanks (like he wasn't having a hard enough year with his goofy accents in Pinocchio and Elvis?!) to step in? Shameful.

- The year in PG-13 f-bombs: Don't Worry, Darling, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery and Morbius. Pretty slim pickings. I hope this trope isn't dying out.

- Amsterdam or Babylon? Haven't seen either and I'm still not completely convinced that they aren't the same movie. Named after places, star-studded casts, writer/directors getting super indulgent, period piece settings, Margot Robbie...why wouldn't I get them confused?

- Weirder writing credit: Dana Stevens (City of Angels) on The Woman King (from a story by Maria Bello!) or Bill Collage (Accepted) on Emancipation?

- Speaking of Emancipation, much like John Wayne making McQ after (foolishly?) turning down Dirty Harry, so too did Will Smith embark on this after (infamously) turning down Django Unchained. The film was even shot by the same cinematographer, Robert Richardson, which is just a silly coincidence, I'm sure.

- When saying the title The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, it is damn near impossible not to slip into Calculon from "Futurama".

- Oh, right, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers was a thing. A thing that got tons of positive reviews and a freaking Emmy. I'm still nauseous about this. Why? Just take a gander: https://noteimperfect.blogspot.com/2022/10/random-thoughts-chip-and-dale-rescue.html

- Onto better Disney pastures, Strange World - despite the unoriginal character beats (someone on Twitter pointed out that these latest Disney movies have replaced twist villains with intergenerational conflict and it's hard not to agree) - was an entertaining adventure movie. And, unlike a lot of the studio's 'first gay characters' of the last few years, good on them for not pussying out (so to speak) in terms of Ethan, though this may have contributed to the film's (undeserved) financial failure.

The film music of 2022.

Quite a year for film music. Here we go:

My favorite scores of 2022:

(Daniel Pemberton - Hollywood)

Pemberton’s varied score was a vital asset to the misfired mystery.

Favorite tracks: "I Want to See You Happy", "It Advances with Age", "Gala Speech"

(Daniel Pemberton - Back Lot)

Pemberton’s music for the animated caper marks a fine return to Ocean’s 8 territory.

Favorite tracks: "Let's Bounce", "Marmalade Prelude", "Finish Them"

(John Frizzell - La La Land)

The further misadventures of the two metal heads allowed Frizzell another chance at a rich score.

Favorite tracks: "Main Titles", "Your Situation is Critical", "Now Let's Go Score"

(Patrick Doyle - Hollywood)

Doyle’s second score for Hercule Poirot is one of the most appealingly bold works of the year.

Favorite tracks: "The Pyramids", "Goodnight Jacks", "Death on the Nile"

(Danny Elfman - Hollywood/Marvel)

The year’s other multiverse movie benefited from Elfman’s driving score, buoyed by a fine trio of themes.

Favorite tracks: "Strange Statue", "Getting Through", "Main Titles"

(Alexandre Desplat - Columbia)

Dripping with color and melodic riches, Desplat’s score is, by far, one of his best.

Favorite tracks: "Sebastian J Cricket", "Memory of Carlo", "The Dogfish"

(Michael Abels - Back Lot)

Abels’ music for the latest Jordan Peele concoction skillfully mixed Western and horror tropes.

Favorite tracks: "Haywood Ranch", "The Star Lasso Expeeerrriii...", "Nope"

(Alan Silvestri - Disney)
Certainly the lesser of the Pinocchio movies on this list, but Silvestri's lively score may be just as good.
Favorite tracks: "He's Alive", "This Will Be Your Home", "I Have an Idea"

(Heitor Pereira - Back Lot)
A colorful score for the animated adventure...and a glimpse at what Pereira can do when not weighed down by gibbering yellow Tic Tacs.
Favorite tracks: "Bounty Hunter", "Your Favorite Book", "Bear Family Counseling"

(Ludwig Goransson - Disney)

A delightful melding of boy band hip-hop and Chinese instrumentation, which you wouldn’t expect to work.

Favorite tracks: "Jin's Family Dinner", "Inconvenient Genetics", "Stadium Rental"

(Bruno Coulais - Netflix)

Coulais dips into uncharted musical territory and emerges with a fun effort.

Favorite tracks: "The Soul Jockeys", "Say My Name", "Sculptures and Graves"

(Terence Blanchard - Milan)

Blanchard’s music for the historical drama is appropriately stirring.

Favorite tracks: "Road to Abomey", "With One Purpose", "Oyo Battle"

Other good scores:

Catherine Called Birdy (Carter Burwell), The Duke (George Fenton), Enola Holmes 2 (Daniel Pemberton), Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (Nathan Johnson), God's Crooked Lines (Fernando Velazquez), Kimi (Cliff Eidelman), Lightyear (Michael Giacchino), The Man from Rome (Roque Banos), The School for Good and Evil (Theodore Shapiro), Secrets of the Sea (Alan Williams), Slumberland (Pinar Toprak), Thor: Love and Thunder (Michael Giacchino and Nami Melamud) and Till (Abel Korzeniowski)

My favorite CDs of 2022:

Amistad (John Williams - La La Land) - Williams’s score ably reflected the film’s moods of perseverance and triumph.

The Ernest Gold Collection - Vol. 1 (Dragon's Domain) - A fascinating collection of odds and ends from the beginning and end of Gold's career.

Frenzy (Ron Goodwin/Henry Mancini - Quartet) - Hitchcock's wonderfully nasty thriller received dark efforts from Mancini and, ultimately, Goodwin.

The Godfather (Nino Rota - La La Land) - Rota's haunting score for the classic drama receives the deluxe treatment it deserves.

Jerry Goldsmith at 20th - Vol. 5 (La La Land) - An eclectic assortment of series and telefilm scores from one of Goldsmith's most legendary periods.

Matinee (Jerry Goldsmith - Intrada) -  Joe Dante's most personal film received a Goldsmith score that's, by turns, lively and wistful.

Red Sonja (Ennio Morricone - Quartet) - The Conan the Barbarian spinoff was helped immeasurably by Il Maestro's colorful music.

Scarface (Giorgio Moroder - La La Land) - Moroder's pulsating music was a vital component of the epic-length gangster movie.

Spider-Man (Danny Elfman - La La Land) - Elfman gave the superhero movie a springy and winning score.

Tomorrow Never Dies (David Arnold - La La Land) - Arnold's inaugural entry into the James Bond franchise is an exceptional score showing him as the natural successor to Barry.

Other great CDs:

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (John Frizzell - La La Land)

Craig Safan's Horror Macabre - Vol. 1 (Dragon’s Domain)

Death Becomes Her (Alan Silvestri - Varese Sarabande CD Club)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (James Horner - La La Land)

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (John Powell - Varese Sarabande CD Club)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life (Alan Silvestri - Varese Sarabande CD Club)

Masters of Horror (Richard Band - Dragon’s Domain)

The Scalphunters (Elmer Bernstein - Quartet)

SpaceCamp (John Williams - Intrada)

Top Secret! (Maurice Jarre - La La Land)

Random thoughts:

- Desplat's Coupez! was a wacky delight, though it ended up missing my top 40 cut. There's good news and bad news about this score. Good: now, I have some idea what Barbie is gonna sound like. Bad: I kinda wanted to be surprised. Also, what the score does end up sounding like (and I'm sure it'll be terrific, regardless), I'm still gonna be a tad disappointed because it won't sound like this.

- Way to celebrate Elmer Bernstein's centenary. An expansion of The Scalphunters and a compilation of the Magnificent Seven soundtracks. From the same label. That's it? Where's Animal House? Or Funny Farm? Meatballs? Class? A complete Legal Eagles? Hell, even Leonard Part 6? And don't give me any hogwash about how Bernstein doesn't sell. Listen to the music. It sells itself.

- Mother of Moses, did horror scores suck this year? (And if you don't like my opinion on this topic, tough titty, because, unless something changes, it has a near-permanent place in this section.) Smile, Barbarian, The Black Phone. To be honest, I wasn't too crazy about either of the Carpenter family scores, either. The three things that should be taught to every composer (and more than a few filmmakers) working in this genre...hell, all genres: melody, melody, melody.

- I found Don't Worry, Darling an entertaining mess. One of the big surprises about the film is that John Powell was announced to score it. Even more surprising is that it's not what one would expect a Powell to sound like. I suppose that a more traditional score won't have worked as well (and the composer probably relished the opportunity to not have to be 'John Powell' for once), but it didn't quite work for me.

- The ever-underrated Mark McKenzie (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde, the DragonHeart sequels) made another appearance with his music for Prancer: A Christmas Tale. It was pleasant enough, but, really, how long has it been since he got to work on a movie with familiar names in it with an orchestra? Is recording in Prague or Bulgaria super-expensive these days?

- Gonna do something different this year: I'm going to post my ballot for the Best Original Score Oscar. The twist? I'm going by the official shortlist and my own personal shortlist. I don't see there being too much overlap.

Best Original Score (their shortlist):
The Banshees of Inisherin, Carter Burwell
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery, Nathan Johnson
Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio, Alexandre Desplat
Nope, Michael Abels
The Woman King, Terence Blanchard

Best Original Score (my shortlist):
Amsterdam, Daniel Pemberton
Death on the Nile, Patrick Doyle
Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio, Alexandre Desplat
Nope, Michael Abels
The Woman King, Terence Blanchard 

See? Much better than the Academy, right?

I'll see you at the movies...right?

If it wasn’t enough that the Academy let me down in certain aspects this year, I find out last week that Regal Theaters is filing for bankruptcy and, to stop the bleeding, they’re gonna shut down theaters across the country. Two of them are theaters that I’ve frequented several times over the last couple decades.

The first movie I saw at the Regal Elmwood was Life with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence. Not a bad start to what would be a long relationship with the theater. Among the highlights: doing a double feature starting with The Simpsons Movie followed by lunch at McDonald’s, then returning for Hot Rod; seeing Scream 3 after watching End of Days at the Super Saver Cinema across the street; going to a late showing of the (underrated) Blumhouse remake of Black Christmas; surviving a heart attack in the midst of my Cats and Dogs/Atlantis: the Lost Empire double; my yearly Comic Book Day ritual of hitting up Queen City Publishing for free comics, driving up to Seeley and Kane’s for more, then going to see Marvel’s latest spectacle and, perhaps my fondest Elmwood memory, the rainy as hell Sunday where I took two buses and a train to get to the theater for a double feature of Fright Night in 2D and Final Destination 5 in 3D.

Later that year, I first attended the Regal Transit where I saw...The Haunting. They can't all be gems, okay? Some much better experiences I had there: going to see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and that this was the only theater in town playing it made the showing all the more special; just generally making a day of seeing a movie, then shopping at FYE and having lunch at Quiznos, making them all of a piece since they've expired; seeing in IMAX Mission Impossibles Ghost Protocol and Rogue Nation, The Invisible Man and a double feature of The Incredibles movies. This brings up an interesting point given that Transit is the only IMAX theater in the county and possibly this part of the state: will a still-existing theater be adjusted to accommodate this? I probably already know the answer, but really, I want to hope.

And, as long as I’m eulogizing dead movie theaters, I’d like to say a few words about the theater in the Eastern Hills Mall: going to see Black Swan while suffering from the flu, which - I think - enhanced the insanity of the film; hearing about (but never attending) a monthly screening of really bad movies, something, much like The Screening Room and the various monthly attractions at Amherst Theater, that's as close as I'll ever come to having a New Beverly right in my backyard; having my face melted by Snowpiercer, then grabbing lunch/dinner at Red Lobster and, well, this bit has nothing to do with seeing movies, but it was here that I found the flyer for the film class that allowed your boy to get an IMDb page! Another memory I have is leaving the screening of Murder on the Orient Express only to find that my tires were slashed. (I didn’t say they were all good memories.*)

The Regal Theaters close on February 15th. Just enough time to catch Plane and Knock at the Cabin before I say goodbye forever...or until another theater chain moves in on the property.

The story was posted at Facebook, where some people offered opinions to the effect of 'Good riddance! Movies are too damned expensive, anyway. Besides, it's just gonna end up on streaming.' To these people, I offer the following rebuttal as someone respectful of my fellow man: shut the fuck up!

* - This wasn’t even the first time this happened at a movie theater that year. My memories of coming out of a Galleria showing of Atomic Blonde are still vivid. My thinking is that my car belonged to someone whose ex felt they were taking some kind of revenge. It hasn’t happened since, so I can only assume the perpetrator was either arrested or overdosed on something. Good.

Fool’s gold.

It's Oscar nomination time once again, friends.

Good news: the Academy will be airing all 23 categories at this year’s Oscars!

Bad news: ...just read on.

- The Banshees of Inisherin received nominations for all four lead actors and Original Score...but also Director, Picture and, most depressingly, Original Screenplay. This was - in no way, shape or form - a story that required a motion picture to tell, much less a two-hour motion picture. All I can do is pray for a clean sweep from Everything Everywhere All at Once. Let’s be honest: that was an original screenplay.

- The Menu was shut out completely, most likely because Searchlight threw their entire lot in with Fingerbang Over the Rainbow. You’d truly think that Original Screenplay and Supporting Actor (Ralph Fiennes) would've been a lock.

- Though not a perfect film, The Woman King was a decent success with a fair amount of awards buzz. Maybe acting nods were too much to ask, despite typically strong work from Viola Davis, but maybe some technical nods, like Costume Design and Original Score.

- “So, shall we nominate Hoyte von Hoytema for Cinematography, Michael Abels for Original Score and Keke Palmer for Supporting Actress?” “Nope!”

- No Art Direction nod for Glass Onion?! Those sets were amazing. Avatar: the Way of Water’s sets were created in a computer and they were nominated. Double standard, much?

- Three of the five nominees for Makeup and Hairstyling succeeded in making their actors look fatter than they normally do. And here I thought that fat suits were outlawed. That’s one on me.

- I’ve only seen two of the ten Best Picture nominees and maybe, that’s enough.

- The nominees for Original Score are...some Kentucky Fried Horseshit made with 11 herbs and spices of this sucks dicks. Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Banshees of Inisherin, The Fabelmans, All Quiet on the Western Front (me, neither) and the most-likely winner, Babylon. Not one slot for Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio. It is easily the best score of the year and far superior to not only this year's quote-unquote category, but even the last few scores that actually won the prize.

- Okay. I think I’m all raged out. Let’s move on to Best Animated Feature. While Wendell & Wild and The Bad Guys were ignored, at least Turning Red and Puss in Boots: the Last Wish made it in. However, the prize will likely go to Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio. On a narrative basis, it'd be a travesty, but on a craft level, it'd be a deserving win.

- Had no interest in Elvis, but hooray for the first of many nominations for cinematographer Mandy Walker (Mulan, Jane Got a Gun).

- Speaking of firsts, this may set a record for most first acting nominations: Austin Butler, Hong Chau, Kerry Condon, Jamie Lee Curtis, Ana de Armas, Colin Farrell, Brendan Fraser, Brendan Gleeson, Brian Tyree Henry, Stephanie Hsu, Barry Keoghan, Paul Mescal, Bill Nighy, Ke Huy Quan, Andrea Riseborough and Michelle Yeoh.

- Black Panther: Wakanda Forever landed nods for Original Song (eh), Costume Design (nice), Visual Effects (cool), Makeup and Hairstyling (neat) and Supporting Actress (awesome). It was the 'Have I not suffered enough?!' speech that did it.

- Really hoping that Tom Hanks or Eddie Murphy (or both!) are asked to host. It’s about damn time.

March 12th. Be there or be square.

Worst movies I saw in 2022.

This is not a post about the worst movies of 2022.* This post is about the worst movies I saw this past year that came out before 2022. Big distinction.

Spoilers, of course.

ASHANTI

Blame curiosity for my watching this proto-Taken thriller where, in the midst of performing health work in Africa, UN doctor Beverly Johnson is abducted and in danger of being sold into slavery, spurring husband (and fellow doctor) Michael Caine into action. Caine once called this 1979 yarn the worst movie he'd ever starred in. Michael Caine said this. Clearly, there was something there. While not quite the worst movie he's made, it's certainly down there. Exploitative (so many shots of young African children in shackles), poorly-scored (the budget may not have been big enough for Ennio Morricone, but Michael Melvoin’s imitation is unimpressive) and sluggishly paced. A fine supporting cast (Rex Harrison, William Holden, Omar Sharif) is wasted and while Peter Ustinov’s casting as an Arab slave trader is problematic af, his performance is the only thing approaching entertainment in this misbegotten project.

BUS STOP

In watching movies of all colors and stripes, one aspect I run into from time to time (principally in romantic comedies) is one person annoying their way into the heart of another (Bringing Up Baby is the ur-example). Not to put too fine a point on things, but this sub-trope sets my teeth on edge. Having two characters get to know each other, then seeing if they belong together is hard work, but it beats the alternative. This 1956 movie sees cowboy Don Murray falling hard for singer Marilyn Monroe, but she wants nothing to do with him and so, he spends the remainder of the running time pretty much pestering (and forcing himself on) her until she’s worn down enough that they end up together and none of the other characters, save for Murray’s fellow cowpoke (and lone bright spot of the film) Arthur O’Connell, see a problem with this. Perhaps the most galling thing about this movie is that Murray’s performance was actually nominated for a Supporting Actor Oscar, thus reinforcing my theory that Oscar voters are like diapers: they need to be changed every once in a while and for the exact same reason.

EYEWITNESS

Cornel Woolrich’s "The Boy Cried Murder", about a boy who tells tall tales, only to witness a murder, received an effectively creepy film adaptation as The Window in 1949 that earned a special Oscar for its lead, Bobby Driscoll. It was, more or less, remade in 1984 as Cloak and Dagger by director Richard Franklin and writer Tom Holland (who specialized in these kind of ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ stories). Less remembered is this British variation from 1970...and for good reason. Also known as Sudden Terror, the film starred Mark Lester, fresh off his breakout as Oliver!, as a boy whose talent for spinning lies gets him into trouble when he learns the identity of a political assassin. What should’ve been a straightforward telling dissolves into meaninglessness through John Hough’s show-off direction, as if to distract from the story, but even this could’ve been excused if not for the scene where Lester’s Ziggy seeks help from a young female friend, only for the conspirators to murder her and her father, both of whom had next to nothing to do with the story. It’s fortunate for screenwriter Ronald Harwood (adapting a book by Mark Hebden) that this film was forgotten. Otherwise, who knows if he’d have enjoyed a career scripting the far more reputable likes of The Dresser, The Pianist and, ironically enough, Roman Polanski's non-musical Oliver Twist?

THE FARMER

One of the best (and worst) things to happen to films in the 1970s was the proliferation of violent revenge movies. You know the drill: a morally upright protagonist runs afoul of dangerous criminals who murder and/or rape his loved ones, forcing him to take gruesome action to bring the offenders to some kind of justice. A good revenge story can make for an entertaining time at the movies, but this thriller - shot in Georgia in 1975 and released as a negative pick-up by Columbia in 1977 - isn't quite that. The filmmaking doesn't even show the artistry of a Michael Winner and then, there's the 60-second stretch of film that sees, in quick succession, the hero's a) love interest raped by one of the bad guy's underlings and b) best friend - the elderly, Black farmhand - murdered by selfsame underling. A script by four people ought to have shown a little imagination. Not long after its release, the film was lost to oblivion until a specialty Blu-Ray released early last year restored it to (some) public consciousness. It should've stayed buried.

FIRECREEK

In the late-1960s, while the Italian film industry flourished with Westerns from Sergio Leone and his less noteworthy colleagues, the prominence of the genre was lessening in the United States...and entries like this didn't exactly help the cause. Said to be resemblant of High Noon (mainly due to its use of allegory), but far more suggestive of Blackboard Jungle transposed to the Old West, this 1968 movie told the story of pacifist farmer and part-time sheriff Jimmy Stewart and how he tries to protect the citizens of the titular town against outlaw Henry Fonda and his gang. The antics of the gang members (much like those of the juvenile delinquents in the earlier film) come off as far more annoying than menacing, making one wonder why someone - anyone - in this town full of human-shaped jellyfish didn’t put them in their place sooner. For a good western with a villainous Fonda, there’s always Leone's Once Upon a Time in the West and for a Stewart/Fonda team up that won’t piss you off, try The Cheyenne Social Club.

FROGS

Thanks to the surprise success of 1971’s well-acted but TV-scaled Willard, killer animal movies became all the rage. 1972 produced two of the more notable entries, for good or ill: MGM’s Night of the Lepus about a horde of giant killer rabbits (please stop laughing) and this one from American-International. Night shot itself in the foot with the fundamental error in its premise: rabbits are simply not terrifying and all the slow-motion, smeared ketchup and forced perspective in the world can’t change that. Frogs, at least, kept its amphibious critters normal size, backed by some of its numbers being genuinely dangerous. Still, there is very little else to the film other than its characters constantly and blithely wandering into danger (and you gotta love - he said, sarcastically - how the film unceremoniously kills off its African-American characters in one fell swoop off-screen) to the strains of an overdone electronic score from AIP stalwart Les Baxter. Sam Elliott made his film debut as the nominal hero, but it has to be said: a clean-shaven Sam Elliott just looks wrong.

HOME ON THE RANGE

Comedian Patton Oswalt once did a routine about doing punch-up (verb; adding jokes to the screenplay) on animated movies to make them funnier. 2004’s Home on the Range can be seen as a strong example of when this practice goes horribly wrong. This Disney story - three cows (voiced by Roseanne Barr, Judi Dench and Jennifer Tilly) try to save their farm from foreclosure, only to run into a cattle rustler (Randy Quaid) - struggles to reach 76 minutes, but even this abbreviated run time becomes an ordeal because of the overabundance of unnecessary supporting characters delivering stale, unfunny quips. (Buck the horse - voiced by Academy Award-winner Cuba Gooding, Jr., a phrase that sounds more and more ridiculous with each passing year - is particularly unbearable.) There is a neat throwback to Dumbo's “Pink Elephants on Parade” in the animation of Quaid’s yodeling number, but two minutes of entertainment out of 76 is a bad ratio.

NIGHT WATCH

This British-made 1973 thriller bore a number of similarities to the made-for-TV adaptation of Ray Bradbury's "The Screaming Woman" that premiered the previous year: an older woman (played by a one-time darling of the studio system) recovering from a deep, emotional trauma believes that someone is being endangered close to her property, but no one around her can or will believe her claims. For a while, both films play out the same, but the major difference is that "The Screaming Woman" didn't have an insulting twist ending that completely saps away at the sympathy we’re meant to feel for the beleaguered protagonist. Ultimately, neither film is all that good, so for a better version of this basic premise, do seek out the “Screaming Woman” episode of "The Ray Bradbury Theater" starring Drew Barrymore.

UNDINE

The story of Undine, about a water nymph who falls for a human, has its roots in the Renaissance era. This legend has inspired stories, pieces of music, motion pictures and even video games (it is said that Hans Christian Andersen took this as his inspiration in crafting "The Little Mermaid"). With such a creative history behind this creature, why does the 2020 movie, which updates the tale to the modern era, inspire such ennui and confusion instead of awe? Maybe, one has to be German to be truly enchanted by this, but as for me? Nein.

THE VAGRANT

The third of the year’s ‘Something bad just happened. You have to believe me!’ movies to make this list (alphabetically and chronologically), 1992's The Vagrant told the (ultimately irritating and inconsequential) story of a stock analyst (Bill Paxton) whose new house is haunted - in a manner of speaking - by a homeless man (Marshall Bell) and the analyst’s methods of trying to keep him off and out of his property unravel his life. Writer Richard Jeffries (of such other misfired horrors as Scarecrows, Blood Tide and Disney’s Man of the House) seemed to be going for a Kafka-esque feel, but one would hardly be surprised to learn that he’s never even read a Kafka book. An interesting cast (including Colleen Camp, Stuart Pankin and Michael Ironside, especially wasted as a Javert-like detective) is thrown away and while Paxton overdoes the nerdy yuppie schtick, it’s a testament to his talent that the audience still sympathizes with his character. Having owned Christopher Young’s oddball soundtrack for years, one was curious to see how it played within the film. You know what they say about curiosity...


Other movies that I didn't care for, yet didn't care enough to write an entry about: Bless the Child, Blood Harvest, Bratz, Count Yorga - Vampire, Embryo, Ferdinand, Final Analysis, Firepower, Fresh Horses, The Haunted Strangler, It! the Terror from Beyond Space, The Killer Shrews, Komodo, The Long Night, Night Game, Players, The Real McCoy, The Slumber Party Massacre, White Mile and Why Would I Lie?

* - Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers, The Contractor, The Man from Toronto and Pinocchio (the Zemeckis one). Aren't you glad you asked?