Mr. Cellophane

In a location adjacent to a place in a city of some significance, what comes out of my head is plastered on the walls of this blog.

Saturday, September 28, 2024

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Another August, another trip to Toronto. Another bout of planning, hoping, money exchange.

Fan Expo was making its own plans to acquire a number of guests, some of whom would - for whatever reason or another - ultimately drop out of this year‘s festivities: Grey DeLisle, Keith David, Wayne Knight, John Cleese (yes, you read that correctly), Sofia Boutella, Eli Roth and Alan Tudyk. However, the Q*Anon broad from Haywire and Deadpool was making a return appearance so, truly, we are blessed.

Also, there was a matter of finding a temporary living arrangement. No hotels since my money isn’t quite 'hotels!' strong, but an Airbnb. As there is a certain Airbnb experience to which I have become accustomed, I was very finicky this year, looking to find something somewhere a) in the neighborhood of Little Italy and b) that had a television. It wasn’t an easy search, but ultimately, it was fruitful. 

Thursday

Wishing to leave nothing to chance to avoid the woes of previous years…and months…I’m up at 6 in the morning. It would’ve been later, but my alarm…it suffers no slackers. Reruns of “Regular Show” flit about in the background to keep my head together while I make sure everything is packed. (In rewatching the show, you can’t help but notice how Mordecai and Rigby are the true villains in spite of all the weirdos they’ve faced, but that’s a topic to be expounded upon for another time, friends.)

Hoping to get a jump on the day - and a quick breakfast in from Paula's Donuts - I decided to leave the house at 6:45. The plan was simple: scarf down the chocolate honey dip donut and wash it down some chocolate milk as I make my way to the Peace Bridge. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any of my donuts already made. They did have a Bavarian, which is still good if messier and not exactly what I was hoping for. Really hoping this wasn’t a bad omen for the rest of the trip.

Much to my surprise, there are no lines when I get to the Peace Bridge. I endure the whole 'why are you going to Canada?' spiel, responding with 'Fan Expo' and $11 later, I am off.

Even more surprising, the trip down the QEW goes without incident. I get my breakfast eaten, the internet works on my phone and the weather is good. I feel like it’s just a matter of time before shit goes sideways.

Remarkably, I make it to the bus station with plenty of time to spare. I haul my luggage across the street, saying goodbye to my vehicle. It’s not too long before the bus arrives and takes me on my way. The bus ride is a smooth one; so much so that I have no problem watching a movie on my phone: 1946's Shock. A woman is witness to a murder, which sends her into shock and when she comes out of it, she is horrified to find that her attending physician is the killer. Very effective variation on Gaslight that gets a lot done in 70 minutes.

The bus stops at Burlington, leading to me and many of the people on the bus to take the train to Union Station, if not various points in-between. I feel like taking a nap, but it never quite happens. However, given the late night I plan on having, I make an effort.

The train arrives at Union Station. It may be a little early for lunch, but I don’t care. I’m starving and I’m really craving some Jamaican patties. I try to look online for the map of the place to get to Patties Express, but thankfully there’s a stationary map around that gets me there faster.

The meal turns out to be worth it, but it’s not without its bumps. Whether it’s due to the money I'm anxious not to spend too much of so soon or food I’m hoping to eat later tonight, I dither between whether I want one or two patties. I ultimately decided on one, much to the annoyance of the guy at the register. So much for that first impression.

However, the patty is too damn hot to immediately eat so I pack it away and load $50 onto my Presto card or at least that’s the plan. For some reason, the card doesn’t register at the machine, so I use my other credit card that I brought along and load $40. That seems to do the job.

Figuring I'd get a head start on going to Sonic Boom, I take the subway from Union Station to Spadina Station, not realizing that would take me to Spadina Rd. far from my planned destination. This would not be the last time this weekend that I severely misjudged where exactly the subway would go. Still, now’s as good a time as any to eat my patty. Just delicious.

The initial plan was to hit up the city's museums like I wanted to last year. They all happened to be - at least, according to Google - closed, so I would instead start my trip with the bookstore tour, punctuated by stops at various bakeries and ice cream shops. Of course, this was based on my assumptions that the city would be easy to navigate, something about which a half-dozen trips to this city over the last decade have proven me humiliatingly wrong.

Bloor Street West did not seem to have any public transportation going down it, so I guess I'm walking. I make my way to BMV Music and Books. Just as with the previous year, the first part of the store’s title is something of a letdown, more than mitigated by the latter. Leonard Maltin's "Of Mice and Magic" is history, but what I did manage to pick up was nothing to sneeze at: Bruce Campbell's "If Chins Could Kill" (in hardcover to go with "Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way"), Eddie Muller‘s "Dark City: the Lost World of Film Noir" (only available in paperback, but hey, that’s life) and Robert Evans's "The Kid Stays in the Picture". Another book that caught my fancy: 

Not much to it; just a listing of movies and the composers that scored them, so, of course, it’s catnip to someone like me. I’m not too worried that it won't still be there when I go back.

Not feeling entirely confident that the money was there, I leave behind a copy of Barry Sonnenfeld’s "Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Mother". (Fun fact, when dictating this post on my phone, autocorrect registered 'Sonnenfeld' as 'Seinfeld' and there's a blurb from the man on the front. Go figure.) I’ll probably never see the book again.

Sweating like a pig and feeling no desire to travel more than I need to, I message the host, telling her since I'm in town early, I would be dropping in at 1:30pm. (Thankfully, that was allowed.)

There was, much to my relief, a route to my Airbnb from Bloor down Manning Avenue. On the way, I stop at Neurotica Records. Not-Gordon Ramsay is still there and, thankfully, so is the soundtrack section. Check out when I’m managed to get my hands on this year: Eragon, Forrest Gump, King Kong, The Legend of Bagger Vance, The Legend of Zorro and Scent of a Woman.

The house I'm calling home for the next few days is a lovely little place easily accessible by the coded locks on the entrance and into my room. Getting a look around, I am so glad I decided to bring my own soap, shampoo and toilet paper, since none of what's provided can live up to my quote-unquote 'standards'. (In particular, the roll of toilet paper proved to be invaluable. If I had $100 for every time I was in desperate need of having to go to the bathroom to ‘clean the basement’ on this trip, I could’ve easily bankrolled it twice over. AngelSoft, you - literally - saved my ass.)

The room is roughly half the size of my regular bedroom, but it's still quite homey. The television set-up is pretty fascinating. Netflix, Amazon Prime, YouTube, Tubi. You name it, it's here. Unfortunately, it seems to be a BYOP situation: bring your own password. While I have (most of) them, it's kind of disappointing that there's no personal touch to the TV situation, not helped by there not being a cable hookup. In other words, you want to watch Canadian shows on this television, you're SOL.

My suitcase parked and my shirt changed, I settle in on the bed for some net surfing. The laptop comes in handy for the next few days. Of course, I can't stay long. There's stuff to do and money to spend.

My bookstore tour continued on College Street. At Balfour Books, I once again ran into “Call Your Mother”,  so I figured I may as well buy it. I get further up the street and make my way to Sellers and Newel. It is here that I find a copy of "The Film Director" by Richard L. Bare. The man's directed a number of short films, virtually every episode of a major TV series and a couple of motion pictures. I figure this guy’s got to know something, right? The entertainment section was not easy to locate. The store design is something else: the back office also seemed to double as the checkout location and the entertainment section where I managed to find the book was against the wall next to the employee entrance. And if all that wasn’t weird enough, get a load of the name of the proprietor:

Probably not the same one. I didn’t dare press the issue.

The girl at the counter notices the name of the book I’m buying and so, she starts chatting me up about what kind of movies I wanna make. “All kinds”, I blurt out to her (though, given how often my expression of a desire to make movies leads to this question, you’d think I’d have a concrete answer filed away) and then she tells me, “I’ll be looking for your movies”. No pressure there, right?

I get back to my place around the official check-in time and cool my heels for a spell. But not too much of one. I did come here for Fan Expo and for the first time, there were panels on Thursday night that I really wanted to get to.

For example, Narf! Inside the World of Pinky and the Brain. The chemistry between Rob Paulsen and (Toronto’s own!) Maurice LaMarche is as strong as ever and there was even a brief nod to the online debate of which character is which in the theme song lyric “One is a genius/the other’s insane”. My opinion? I abstain.

Just before I leave, I spot a lovely couples cosplay of Joy and Fear from Inside Out (though it takes a few moments to recognize the latter; the sweater ended up being a dead giveaway). I just have to get a picture.

I'd hoped to continue the tradition of Mean Bao the night of a Revue Cinema screening, but they'd moved from their College Street location to Union Station. More on that later. Looking up the city's bao locations, I happened upon a place called Bank Bao. Easy access on Spadina Ave. and there's just enough time between the night's panels to make it there and back on TTC. Life is good.

And this bao is even better. Vina Chicken. Very exotic. Very tasty. I think I’ve made a new friend.

I take the same route back to Fan Expo and head down to make it back in time for From Sallah to Gimli: A Journey with John Rhys-Davies. At the top of the panel, he stated that "I don't believe in soundbites!". Boy, did he live up to that statement. Quite a few people - likely, Lord of the Rings fans - got up to ask him questions and he took it upon himself to answer every single one. At length. This continued well past the point of the panel was set to end: 8:30. I had someplace I needed to be at 9:30 and, even with Google Maps on my side, this was a tight squeeze. At around 20 to 9:00, I just skipped out, mid-answer. For all I know, the panel is still going on.

Given last year‘s trip, I knew I wanted to make Revue Cinema a permanent part of my Toronto experience…and to think, we almost lost it to governmental horseshit. I was a little worried, but I did make it to the theater, thanks to TTC’s subway. (I should also point out that, in the year between my screenings, boutique DVD label Vinegar Syndrome has established a brick-and-mortar location right across from Revue. Pretty sweet deal. See a movie in the theater, then buy it with improved picture and sound so you can see it whenever you like. Sadly, despite my best efforts, I don't make it there in this trip.)

There’s, of course, the pre-show intro and the trailers and the fact that I totally had to have snacks to go with the movie. The line for concessions started in the aisle of the screening room and I was about 20 people behind. Worrying about fire hazards is for dorks. Ultimately, I got my popcorn and soda and made it to one of the last available seats cramped against the wall. You think I would’ve been turned off of coming to the theater, much less watching the movie…and you’d be wrong. 

In the 30 years since its release, Street Fighter has become something of a bad movie classic thanks to the fun characters, ridiculous dialogue and Raul Julia giving it his all as Gen. Bison. I usually like my movie experiences to be a little more sedate, but I tell you, it was almost like being at a concert or a screening of Rocky Horror the way the crowd was reacting. It was an absolute blast and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

From the theater, I head back the way I came for a street car. My TTC app keeps changing the arrival time on me. 'Could there really be this many delays for a Midnight car?', I think to myself. Eventually, the car gets here and spirits me to my Airbnb. Not quite the city that never sleeps, but there’s something of a mysterious (in a good way) feeling to this place, even with the lights being off.

I strip down to a shirt and underwear and get in my bed. The way it’s made, though, it felt like I was short sheeted. I had to adjust the sheet and once I did, I was able to get to sleep no problem. Good night.

Friday

It’s around 6:30. I wake up. Time for my usual routine of…whoop. Yeah, I don’t think I could - much less should - do that here.

The door of one of the other rooms at my Airbnb is open and that’s when I noticed I’m rooming with a girl? Oh, boy. You sure I can’t do that here? Eh, whatever. May as well plan out my day.

After messing around on the Internet, it’s time for a shower. A towel and a hand towel are provided for me. The shower is a little small, but it’s fine enough for what I need to do. I noticed that my roll of toilet paper was on the side of the sink from last night. I must’ve really been tired last night to have forgotten that.

One of the places I planned on eating last year was at Starving Artist, a breakfast/brunch/lunch place that specializes mainly in waffle dishes and that’s just what I need. Thankfully, it’s close by. Packing a few of my books as a counterweight, I get ready to go out.

It’s a pretty nice place; just what you’d expect from a local restaurant. I sat at a table with a barcode taped to the edge. Apparently, that’s where you find the menu, but given that I am an old, I much prefer the folding kind.

Never really heard of this dish called the Monte Cristo, but I figure it could be good. That’s before I saw what kind of portions I would have to deal with.


So, basically, what my breakfast amounts to is ham, turkey and runny cheese on French Toast waffles served with a side of mixed greens and potato salad. To paraphrase a line from “Futurama”, “No combination of those things should be served to people", much less as the most important meal of the day! I would not be joining the Clean Plate Club this morning.

Following that…meal, I’m feeling pretty logy, but I still need to get something to drink for the long day ahead. Shoppers Drug Mart has a nice big bottle of Coke Zero for sale, so that sounds like a plan. I make it to the streetcar, which takes me downtown. I transferred to the car going down Spadina, which leads me to Front St. West and that’s how I end up getting into Fan Expo.

With every passing year, Fan Expo just seems to get more and more crowded, but somehow, I make my way through. Across the bridge to go to the South Building, but it’s moving a lot slower than I expected. Some poor intern has to look the giant red panda suit from Turning Red, causing a giant log jam. You can’t help but feel for the guy.

My first panel today? Animation Nation: A Conversation with Michael Hirsh. The co-founder of Nelvana, Canada’s premiere animation studio for many decades, talked about how he got started and even showed the animated clip from “The Star Wars Holiday Special”; the sequence that put the company on the map and the one part that everyone can pretty much agree is entertaining. Studio director Clive Smith was also at the panel offering remembrances. Unlike at a lot of these panels, I was compelled to ask a question. I mentioned one of Nelvana‘s few forays into live action: the 1993 thriller Malice. Hirsh also brought up the 1987 movie Burglar, which I completely forgot about Nelvana’s involvement with. My question was if there was a project that he really wanted the studio to do but, for some reason or another, it didn’t work out. Hirsh explained to me that for every project that gets released, around five of them don’t get produced. One of them names he let trip off the tongue was “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. I couldn’t even imagine how that would work as a cartoon, but it’d be interesting to see somebody try. Also, just imagine if they lured Tim Curry back to the role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Bananas beyond all reason.

Afterwards, I had to drag myself across the property to make it for Too Many to Count! All the Voices of Tara Strong. It must be said that the fans love her and the panel ended in a giant selfie that I was still too tired to get in on. Hell, maybe next time.

The cosplay was, as ever, something to see. King from “The Owl House”, Mabel and Dipper Pines (one of several cross-gender cosplays, on both sides, I witnessed) and Deadpool in a homemade outfit not unlike Peter’s from the first Spider-Man. (There was also a girl who was dressed like Joan of Arc from “Clone High”. I asked for a picture, but she turned me down. She didn’t even seem to notice that she was dressed as a fictional character. Why were you even wearing this outfit and why were you even here? At least the Wednesday Addams from a few years back knew she was dressed as a fictional character. Some people, man.)

Once more across the bridge, dear friends, and on the way, I saw paramedics tending to a cosplayer who had collapsed, likely from exhaustion. I felt like Loomis in Quick Change; It’s bad luck just seeing something like that. (A reaction I would also have to seeing guests receiving tattoos in the North building.) From Boondocks to Star Wars: Spotlight on Rodney Barnes found the writer talking about how he got his start helping out Damon Wayans on Bulletproof and “My Wife and Kids” and how that developed into a medium-spanning career. If only, you know.

Once again, there was a gap in the Fan Expo schedule wide enough to wriggle through to snag a Korean corn dog from Chungchun. I head for Union Station and take the train up to what I think will be right next to my location of choice, College Station, but with all the walking and walking I had to do, I was surprised to find that it was right next to Wellesley Station. Live and learn, right?


Your eyes do not deceive you. That is teriyaki sauce, not chipotle sauce like I’ve had before. A brain fart prevented me from recalling that. It tasted…different. Good different, but not quite a match for what I was used to.

I had planned on picking up from last year and checking out the performance of Emily Strikes Back, but then, they switched the schedule around on me and I found myself with a giant hole in the night's schedule that I was, at various points, willing to fill with any number of things (CNE, a bookstore tour, a trip to one of the city's many nerd-themed bars, a Revue screening of Longlegs).

It was then that the head honchos of FanExpo pulled the ace from their sleeve: Marvel Television Presents: Agatha All Along. It looks to luxuriate in the darkness that sat at the edges of "WandaVision" and I’m curious to see how it plays out.

When I got out of FanExpo, I was craving a brownie in the worst way. I looked up 'toronto brownie', then, wanting to spare myself excess hassle, I looked up the website for Second Cup, which the Metro Toronto Convention Centre just so happened to have inside. The brownie was rather cold, but I couldn’t wait for it to warm up. I took a bite. Okay, better to wait a little bit. I refresh my drink selection by getting an iced tea from Shoppers.

Wanting not to repeat last year’s fuck up, I go to Exotic Snax hoping for some Nacho Cheese Bugles action. Much to my disappointment, they’re gone; almost like they never bloody existed! However, the redhead working the register is so cute, I figure I better buy something, so I get a couple of cookie dough Twix. Not as good as the original, but not bad.

I take a street car of Queen St. West and hit a few more bookstores that I missed out on first time. Sadly, Type and Silver Snail didn’t have anything that interest me book-wise (and the latter turned out to be a comic book shop), But still, walking down Queen St. West is a magical experience. I stopped at Bloomer's, a bakery. Given that it was close to the end of the workday, I probably should not have been surprised that most of the day’s stock was depleted, but they did have some cookies left and sometimes that’s all you need.

No matter if it’s just up the street or to another country, I have this unfortunate habit of forgetting something in my travels. In this case, it was cough drops, but fortunately I was able to stop at 7-Eleven and grab a pack along with a drink and some Reese‘s pieces.

Because a long-term trip to Toronto just wouldn’t be complete without it, I managed to get to Sonic Boom. The trip was primarily to just look around, but in the soundtrack section, I stumble upon Rambling Rose by Elmer Bernstein. I’ve never seen the movie, but if Elmer Bernstein is selling…

My original dinner plans for the night were to try a duck confit pizza from Renaissance Pizza, which was only a stone’s throw away from my Airbnb. As is customary when I plan something, I get way inside my own head (What if I hate the first slice? Then I’m stuck with a nasty ass pizza!). But then, it hits me: “I’m already on Spadina. I enjoyed the food and the service last night. Bank Bao, it is!”


A full meal of Richie Duck and Crispy Fish (it is Friday, after all) baos with a side of fries. We eat like kings.

I settle in for an evening of television…on my laptop. (I had wanted to watch Hit Man on Netflix, but, you know, you need a password.) I watch "What We Do in the Shadows" on Disney+. Hey, Canada. I seek out the episode, "The Cloak of Duplication". Recently, Matt Berry received a well-deserved but ultimately unsuccessful Emmy nomination for Best Actor in a Comedy Series, but Kayvan Novak was on fire in this episode which saw various characters using the titular cloak to take on Nandor’s form and help him hook up with a cute gym worker. It was amazing watching Novak channeling his co-stars' voices and mannerisms. I also caught an episode of the charming but sadly short-lived 80s series "Blacke's Magic".

In the midst of my TV watching, I hear a bump from the other room. I get up from my bed and I ask, “Are you all right?". “Yes”, comes the reply. It’s not exactly sweet nothings but, hey, it's progress.

Saturday

It never hits right that I’m far from home and my ritual of cartoons, which I easily could’ve accessed on my laptop, but never mind.

Much like myself, the girls seemed to be preparing for a long day of whatever. In such a situation, one’s mind can tend to wander, which is to say that their door to their room was open. Fear not. I didn’t see anything that I wasn’t entitled to witness. Just one of the girls looking at herself in a mirror. I said nothing to give away my position while savoring my momentary glance at paradise. 

Unfortunately, they took too long getting ready, forcing me to rush to get myself in order.

I really wanted to spend my pre-Expo breakfast time at Eggspectation, but they required reservations. I have never made a reservation for a restaurant in my entire life and I don’t see that situation changing anytime soon. Need an alternative and quick. There’s this place downtown that might hit the spot: Sunset Grill. I order the Sunset Super with bacon and sausage. Oh…my…God.


All in all, this breakfast was as immaculate as the one from yesterday was inexplicable.

The third day of Fan Expo is often the most busy, so, of course, I have much to do, which doesn’t mean I can’t stop and take in the cosplay: Yzma, Mabel (a different one) and Pacifica, Arkham Asylum Harley Quinn, Cosmo and Wanda, a Rockford Peach (deep cut), Blade, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl, Alex DeLarge and his Droogs, an age-appropriate Doric from Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, Belle from Beauty and the Beast in her ballroom dress and the Dread Pirate Roberts (with a lightsaber!!). Friday, as I made my way inside, I saw a girl dressed as Trixie Tang. I missed my chance at her. Today, I got a pic of her with Timmy Turner. Even as a devoted Timmy/Tootie shipper, I couldn’t not get a picture.

Also, there was a girl dressed as Anastasia from the 1997 movie. I can only assume this was a remnant from the brief window of time when it looked like Don Bluth was coming here. As much as I asked her for a picture, she didn’t seem to want to acknowledge me, so I just snapped a picture of her while her back was turned at one of the vendors. No harm, no foul.

Well, I had to get to my first panel of the day: From Superbad to Superstars: Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He walked us through his career, touching on a lot of the highlights, like getting starstruck by Nicolas Cage and giving as good as he got from Jonah Hill, though I was somewhat disappointed that the remake of Fright Night didn’t get any sort of mention. Oh, well.

For lunch, I decided to stay on the property and avail myself of the pre-food truck food truck that shows up every year outside the convention center. It may not be gussied up like I like, but hey, at least I got to have poutine while in Canada.

Given the many voice actors coming to Fan Expo, I wondered if the show would be doing another script read panel. Lo and behold, the Scripted Remix Presented by Twisted Toonz was real. This year’s movie: The Breakfast Club. On the dais this year: Dee Bradley Baker, Jennifer Hale, Maurice LaMarche and Rob Paulsen, but no Tara Strong. You can’t have everything. (I can't help but imagine that the fifth slot was meant for Grey DeLisle. Just imagine Vicky as Claire.) I wasn’t crazy about Baker’s Daffy Duck in Space Jam, but he proved an inspired choice for Principal Vernon, while Paulsen was a hoot in his brief moments reprising Dr. Scratchnsniff for Bender.

My initial plan was to head for the South Building to take in the 25th Anniversary of Batman Beyond - A Celebration in Music panel. Yes, the industrial synth scoring paled in comparison to the cinema-worthy orchestral scores of "Batman: the Animated Series", but goddamnit, it's a panel at FanExpo Cinema dedicated to film and/or television scoring. A reasonable Republican is the only thing anywhere near as rare.

But then, I figured, shit, the line for Power & Glory: Inside the Action with Dolph Lundgren is going to be stupidly long. (Before the panel, I met this couple that admired my shirt of Marvel characters with different expressions and the girl told me about her dress which was similarly designed. I’m not sure I might’ve - or should’ve pushed it into friendship, but still, fun little situation.) The panel itself is pretty good. He talked about how his relationship with his father led him into martial arts.

As long as I have some time to myself (sorry, Helen Hunt), I decided to check out the vendors on the 700 level. There’s some fascinating cosplay here and some interesting vendors selling all manner of artwork. Oh yeah, and some people are selling comic books as well. Go figure. However, all of this is undercut by the ever-growing frustration I have at trying to maneuver my way through this log jam of people. If there was someway to keep a cap on the number of people that are in this part of the building at all times, I would have no problem making my way through, but somehow I just don’t see that happening.

In the midst of my safari, I happen upon Messrs. Hirsh and Smith once more. Their stands are right next to each other, and I’m fascinated by the subject matter of Hirsh's "Animation Nation", that I decided to buy a copy. That would've sent me on my way, but - sensing blood in the water - Smith pitches his graphic novel to me, "The Rather Unusual Adventures of Ice Cream Girl and Mr. Licorice", which I admit does have an interesting premise, but I wasn’t keen on spending money on his book. He essentially guilted me into buying a copy, so that was the end of that.

Also, among many artists on the side of the hall is Roger Christian, who's worked in a number of capacities on the first few Star Wars movies, but who, when the inevitable obituary comes around, will more than likely be listed as the director of Battlefield Earth, a movie I know solely by its reputation of being legendarily bad. I didn’t think I’d want a 70-something Brit mad at me for dredging up his greatest professional embarrassment. 

On my way out of the building, I noticed character placards for each of the characters from Beetlejuice Beetlejuice along the glass surrounding the escalators on the 500 level. On the far wall opposite them was a character of long hair and a steely gaze from "Lord of the Rings: the Rings of Power" (no, I didn't get his name). Getting a look at the fantasy character, and a look at Justin Theroux's character, I was irretrievably reminded of Your Highness where he played the similar-looking villain. 

After I got out, I made a stop at BeaverTails. Once again, I availed myself of their Bananarama. It's still pretty good. I also noticed that they were selling poutine on a beaver tail, which struck me as a heart attack in a wrapper.

Since I couldn’t get to any museums this weekend, I figured Yorkville Murals would be the next best thing. However, I greatly misjudged where I need to stop on the subway. I started at Union Station and was supposed to stop at Bloor-Yonge. For whatever reason, I ended up at Rosedale. Clearly, paying attention to your surroundings is key on the subway. It took some time to get back in the right direction.

I ultimately got to Bloor-Yonge, but much to my surprise, there turned out to be another few minutes of walking, which I just didn’t feel up to. Hell with this. I’m going home. 

Taking the subway back, I notice a number of unusual accoutrements in the stations on the way.





Good luck finding this level of commitment in most other subway stations.

By now, I’m craving something - anything - for dinner. There’s a place I’d been hoping to dine from for the last couple years. Stuff’d Grilled Cheese and Tots. It’s a few blocks from my Airbnb. It’d be ignorant not to go.

Supreme Tots. For when you want poutine, but not officially. The wait between ordering and the meal being ready was murder, with the pain in my legs and the buzzing bees in a neck-and-neck race for biggest annoyance. Still, one cannot argue the results.


Afterwards, I hop onto a streetcar and head home. No way could I tackle this monster without support from a table.

As part of my own personal Letterboxd challenge of rewatching movies I saw in 2009 (one of several I have going this year!), I pulled up 12 Rounds on Disney+. Definitely a movie whose editing and cinematography are of their time (I look forward to Chris and Rob dissecting it in a hypothetical future podcast episode of “Get Me Another” The Bourne Identity.), but it got the job done for a lazy Saturday night. John Cena was fine, though I much prefer his ‘sense of humor’ period.

Oh, and I did hit up YouTube for the between-movie content of that night’s Svengoolie, Black Friday. One must be consistent.

Sunday

Another peaceful morning. It makes me sick!

Displaying an ultra rare burst of (I guess) courage - and taking to heart that saying that the best time to do something is 20 years ago and the second best time to do it is now - I try to pick my moment and open the door, maybe catching the girls as they head out of the room. Remarkably, the strategy works. The brunette and I exchange a quick "Hi". Really, that’s as far as it goes. The "Hi", like the moment, is gone forever. and I will always be left to wonder if anything could’ve happened between me and the two of them or not. On top of all of that, I once again forget that Shoppers Drug Mart is closed on Sundays. No sody for me.

For breakfast, I had wanted to do Hothouse. Unlike last year, I actually have a fair amount of time before I had to get to my first panel. Unfortunately, I dawdled too much and got going too late. I was forced to scramble around. Saving Gigi hadn’t occurred to me and somehow, I forgot the way to Sunset Grill. I was pretty much just a chicken with my head cut off trying to get to Union Station, where I ultimately end up grabbing a cookie from Craig’s Cookies. It was nowhere near as substantive as yesterday's meal, but given the choice between this and Starving Artist, that’s no choice at all.

Remarkable how Sunday is Fan Expo’s most star-studded day this year. It’s part of the reason I’ll be buying a four-day pass for as long as I choose to attend. Spotlight on Bryce Dallas Howard was an entertaining panel, but the thing that’ll stick with me most is this one gentleman asking her a question about her upbringing and how stable it seemed to be. Can’t argue with the results.

I’m quite gratified to find that many vendors at Fan Expo are still selling Funko Pops. I pick up President Barbie and Tommy Pickles for my sisters. I just know they’ll enjoy them.

The cosplay was pretty sparse, but still impressive for what I could capture: Nada from They Live and a shot of Miss Frizzle and Bill Nye the Science Guy. While riding the up escalator, I tried to get a picture of Bill Cipher going in the other direction, but some freaking moron with a mini-boombox on his head got in the way. I ever see him again, that thing becomes his butt plug.

The next panel was Masters of Their Domain: the Seinfeld Guests Who Stole the Show, which featured Phil Morris (Jackie Chiles), John O'Hurley (J. Peterman), Larry Thomas (The Soup Nazi) and Patrick Warburton (David Puddy) talking about how they got into the business and their careers up and downs. The story about Morris working on a project with his father (Greg Morris of "Mission: Impossible") was particularly interesting.

I was disheartened last year when he cancelled his appearance at the last minute, but The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Spotlight on Danny Trejo came to pass this year. Among other things, an audience member impressed him with his use of Trejo's taco recipe. 

I can only assume that the part of my brain that regulates food choices is shut down, because I don’t even feel like grabbing lunch and dig out one of the cookie Twix and assume that that will satisfying me. Not quite.

I manage to make it in time for one of the more obscure panels: The Owl House Trivia! As one of the people left standing, I am absorbed into the last team. My basic knowledge of the show is helpful in answering at least a couple of questions. Also, the energy in the fandom gathered here is infectious.

Then came a moment I'd been waiting for for five years: A little face time with my own personal ‘The Man, The Myth, The Legend’, Patrick Warburton. But, almost exactly like a real-life version of that one bit on the "Simpsons" episode, "Deep Space Homer", he was leaving; not enough time to talk to him, much less get an autograph for the DVD of Big Trouble I had brought with me. Yes, I was willing to shell out the 80 bucks Canadian, it was that deep. I figured, “You know what? Fuck this. Even if it’s one of him with a stupid mustache, I’m getting a picture of the man!” and so I did. Nyeaaah!

The last panel of the day and of my day was Summertime Spotlight with Josh Gad. The highlight is the crowd doing a sing-along to "In Summer" from Frozen. Pretty good tune. There is an exhaustive energy to this panel as 5 o’clock rolls around; very ‘you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here’.

In the initial conception of this trip, I'd wanted to see There Will Be Blood at TIFF Bell Lightbox as part of a tribute to production designer Jack Fisk, but, in getting this taken care of, I'd forgotten about the screening and by the time I went to purchase a ticket, it was sold out but for one seat. Sometimes, you gotta know when you're beaten and - as often as not - I knew. Even so, I wanted to enjoy a meal at Fancy Franks: a burger, onion rings and a frosty chocolate milkshake (!) for me to drink up.

The grid hadn't gone down for me, but given how turned around I was trying to get going, it felt like it had. Long story short, I ended up at A&W where I was able to get a burger and onion rings and...Coke Zero. Yawn. 

Feeling I would need to replenish myself at some point over the next 24 hours, I stop at an INS convenience store and grab a couple of cans of Arizona fruit punch.

Noticing that my Presto card was nearly depleted (and unwilling to take a chance), I got to the Queen's Park Station and placed another ten dollars on it. This’ll really help with the next sixteen hours…and maybe, beyond that.

I get back to enjoy my dinner, so I still feel a little down about not having the exact dinner that I wanted. That’s just the way I am. That my rings were falling apart didn’t exactly help.

I’m in the mood for another night of laptop television. Same shows, though. Tonight's "What We Do in the Shadows": "Go Flip Yourself". Laszlo is beside himself as he ends up on his favorite home improvement show...the name of the episode. It's reality show-ception and a hoot, especially near the end. I also watched another episode of "Blacke's Magic". You've probably noticed I haven't gone into much detail about the episodes. It's a mystery show (from the creators of "Murder, She Wrote"!), though, as far as I'm concerned, the mysteries are but a mere backdrop for the by-play between Hal Linden (as famed magician Alexander Blacke) and Harry Morgan (as his con-artist father, Leonard).

That’s about it for the day.

Monday

One last yawn and stretch in a strange place. Despite the unfortunate television situation, I would enjoy another few days in this place. As convenient to my travel needs as last year’s Airbnb and quite secure.

Dirty clothes, new books, other things…I need to make sure everything is packed away. Forgetting to bring something on a trip is one thing, but forgetting to bring something home? I would lose my mind.

The Monday of last year’s trip led me to Saving Gigi’s for a breakfast sandwich and this year? The same place.


Too warm to eat at or near the restaurant, I have to bring it back. Besides, that’s where the beverages are. This sandwich is, as ever, a gift from the Gods.

Everything is ready to go in my suitcase and backpack, the bed is made fairly neatly and, expectedly, my virginity is still vacuum-sealed. I get a few pictures of the place and I am off. My next stop is 7-Eleven for a drink and some kind of local snackage.


Thanks to a Twitter thread, I was inspired to snag a bag before I went home.

A streetcar ride later, I am down at Eaton Centre. Damn good thing I gave myself a lot of time, because it’s three floors. This place is freaking massive. Well, the top floor is being reconstructed, but the two that were available to the public...wow. Way more expansive than any of the malls we have back here at home. I had to make my yearly trip to Craig’s Cookies, but I never quite got around to my preferred location on Queen St. West, but thankfully, there was one here in the mall. I grab a half-dozen mix of chocolate chip and Reese's Cup. Still good. I guess someone on city planning realized that a place this massive should have something to do with the subway and so, from here, I take the train to Union Station but not before I drop a dollar in a homeless man’s cup.

It’s about 11:30 when I finally get to Union Station. Mean Bao, which I fell in love with last year on College Street, had migrated to a place here. I bought a bao, but it was wrapped in foil, not presented in a little container, and on top of that, the staff here was rather rude and inattentive. The honeymoon is over and given that I have a new lover in Bank Bao, this one just seemed all the more sour. 

It occurs to me that I didn't get a souvenir for my mother. Enter Peace Collective, where they sell very much the same stuff as the gift shop outside of the convention center. Nice guy working there, too. I pick up a mug. One of these days, I need to get something different.

I’m done at about ten after noon and I spend the rest of the time waiting for my train to show up charging my phone, which - let’s face it - is the smart play here. 12:40 comes along and I make my way to the platform for the train. I try to get a nap in, but Ontario is just too damn scenic. Oh, well.

I get to Burlington Station and wait for my bus. After getting past a rather annoying busybody of an old woman, I get to the bus. The good news is that it’s not making any stops. It’s going right to the Niagara Falls Station. The bad news is that there are any seats left and it’s gonna be a long time before any open up, so I’m pretty much on my feet the entire time. Thankfully, my phone is pretty well-charged, so I can listen to my 'Songs from movies' playlist on YouTube to distract from the pain in my legs.

Finally, we returned to the bus terminal and I can sit down in my car. I head towards Quiznos for my beloved Turkey Bacon Guacamole meal. I do my best to hide the bounty so I don’t get singled out at the border.

A half an hour of driving on the QEW takes me back to America and thank the Gods that the border crossing is as incident free as it was to get into Canada. I’m a little tired, a little poor, somewhat wiser, but I am home again.

If I'm being perfectly honest, this trip - while it had many fine moments that left me feeling euphoric - made me just so frustrated. Pushing through crowds to get to where I want to go. There are some things I just don't have the patience for anymore, if not for the next year or so. Also, with the many expenses I owe each month, it is a right pain in the ass to save for a frivolity of this scale; I financed a huge chunk of this trip with credit cards and they need to be paid off, at some point.

And it is for these reasons that I've decided, even if I come into a crazy windfall of cash, that I'm gonna do the 'Tom Hanks in The 'burbs' thing next year and go on a staycation: laze around at home, maybe get some work done, watch a shitton of movies (TCM's Summer Under the Stars FTW) and eat a bunch of junk. Ah, the good life.

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Saturday, September 14, 2024

Two girls for every boy?

(After much deliberation, I felt that it would be infinitely wiser to make a separate post about my trip to Toronto. The main post, to be made available at the end of the month, is all about the travel and the Fan Expo stuff and yada yada yada. This post, however…well, just read on.)

Women. The ultimate mystery of the universe. What is it that draws the weaker half of the species to them so consistently? The way they look? The way they sound? The way they smell? The way they’re built?

As a 43-year-old virgin, I couldn’t goddamn tell you to save my life.

When it comes to women, I have fantasies about the things I’d love to do to, with and for them, but as vast as my imagination is, that is how weak my wherewithal to act on these fantasies is in real life. I’m not a bad looking guy, I guess. I don’t think I’ve gotten many compliments on my looks over the years. But it doesn’t matter much when I don’t have any game. I have zero game. Negative game. I don’t even know where the game is being played. I would need a giant neon sign to know if a girl was showing some kind of interest in me.

Sometimes I wish I could find a way to just drop all the mental and emotional barriers and just have sex with a girl. Of course, I could never be that brazen except in my dreams.

The Airbnb I stayed at last month was quite different from the others I’ve had in the past primarily because there would be guests in an adjoining room on their own trip. (For all intents and purposes, I’m not counting the place in Chinatown I stayed at in 2017; that was less an Airbnb than a hostel.)

I was made aware of the fact that there would be other guests in the house when I messaged my host ahead of time about a 'hypothetical' situation of me getting back late. I hadn’t seen any of the guests on Thursday. The only hint I had that there was anybody else there were the pairs of shoes near the door; We were instructed by the host to leave our shoes near the door. I guess she didn’t want us tracking up her nice house.

On Friday morning, however, one of them must’ve left their door open because, from a distance, I could see a brown-haired stranger looking in a mirror.

She had a dress on.

Yes. She.

There were girls staying in the next room. Not since the class trip to Virginia Beach in the eighth grade had I been in such close living proximity of girls I hadn’t been related to...and, in some ways, I'm still that same socially awkward 13-year-old boy.

My mind is going a mile a minute. Who is she...they? Who are they? Where are they from? Where are they going in Toronto? Would they be interested in a pity fuck with some poor schlub from Buffalo? Okay, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

Later that day when I return from taking care of my business and settling in for some viewing material online, I hear a thump. My natural curiosity compels me to check out the next room. "Is everything all right?", I ask. "Yes", the voice responds from behind the door. Okay, that’s some progress.

Saturday comes and goes and - besides waiting too long to use the bathroom, resulting in the girls getting in ahead of me - not much happens. Then comes Sunday. Hoping to pick something like my moment, I managed to open my door at the same time that their door is open. I say "Hi". The brunette and her blonde friend say "Hi". That is as much conversation as the three of us share and given that there were three pairs of flip-flops near the door, they must’ve had another guest with them. I have no idea if it’s a man or a woman.

By the way, when they spoke, they had accents sounding like they were from somewhere in Europe (perhaps it’s kismet that I re-watched Eurotrip the night before I left). If I have learned anything from almost half a century on this dirt ball, it is that any woman with an accent is automatically hot.

I am of two minds of this situation. One: I feel like God was just teasing me with these girls right near me, knowing I would never do a damn thing about them. On the other hand, Two: what if I had done something? What if I made a friendly gesture that was misinterpreted as something not so friendly? I could’ve caused an international incident of some kind. I just wanted to do something so I'm not considered a loser...by myself, probably.

I really don’t know what I want or what the universe wants from me. I thought I did everything right. There's a line from "Star Trek: the Next Generation": "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." And you can bet whoever wrote that lost their V card by half the age that I am now.

I even brought condoms just in case. If it didn’t happen over that weekend, it probably never fucking will. Goddammit.

I think what it boils down to is I never had the proper training when I was a child, which is to say I can’t recall a sex education class in any form of schooling that I took. I don’t even know if I ever got The Talk from my parents.

Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure I can pinpoint my issues with women down to two incidents from my youth.

In fifth grade, there was this girl in my class. Not a bad girl, but kind of stuck-up, as per my vague memories. The exact details are lost to the ether of time, but suffice to say that it involved a letter, a rather insulting one that was found by a teacher and brought to my home.

In ninth grade, there was another girl. It was the first couple weeks of high school. I tried to make her acquaintance, but I must’ve come off too strong because she thought I was stalking her, which got me quite a bit of trouble.

Both of these girls were white.

And some people may be thinking, "Well, that’s your problem: you’re chasing after white girls. Why don’t you be happy with a nice black girl?" Having grown up with black girls in my home and on my street and in my classes, none of them treated me with very much respect, so no thank you.

I probably shouldn’t blame these incident solely, but they certainly didn’t help. I pretty much retreated deeper and deeper into myself never bothering to pursue any sort of relationship with people beyond the few greeting words. I can’t tell you how miserable it feels to want some thing but know, you don’t have the confidence or skills to pursue it.

Sometime ago, I mentioned potentially selling my soul to the devil to give me the skills to be able to hook up with any woman I want. I don’t know. Nobody reads this blog, but that offer is still on the table, because let’s face it, I don’t really have anything to worry about. Does anybody really listen to me, anyway? If they did I probably wouldn’t even be in the situation now. 

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Wednesday, September 04, 2024

Once, twice, three times a lady…

(The movie under review is still playing in theaters and far be it from me to fuck up a moviegoing experience for anybody, but I need to say some shit about this while it’s still fresh in my mind.)

You know, going to the movies is just so much fun until it’s not. There’s this movie I saw recently. It was rather effective in its entertainment value and its messaging…at least until the last few minutes. Imagine if Get Out had ended with Chris saving Rose from her gruesome fate instead of letting her die as she pretty much deserved and, on top of that, was able to use the same mind control hoodoo on her that her family had used on him and the two of them hook up with this new power balance holding sway. (Oh, and to dump some extra lemon juice into the open wound, Rod was getting too close to the truth and he ended up dying for his trouble and this ending would throw a big, fat ‘fuck you, got mine!’ into the face of the protagonist’s best friend.) It is entirely possible that we’d have never gotten Us and Nope, and whatever flaws those respective movies had, I think cinema would be significantly lesser without them. More to the point, it is a super goddamn good thing that no filmmaker of color directing their first movie - and presumably hoping to make a second and a third - would ever create, much less sign off on, such a dumbfuck ending. No siree, pop.

tl;dr Ya’ll motherfuckers owe The American Society of Magical Negroes an apology.

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Sunday, August 04, 2024

"And hosting for the eighth time...Vincent Price!"

Hey, it could('ve) happen(ed).

Well, the original post was so well-received (...), I decided to give it a go for the previous decade. Here are my nominees for the Horror Oscars of the 1980s.

Best Picture
Little Shop of Horrors
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Poltergeist
The Shining 
The Thing


Best Actor
Jeff Goldblum, The Fly
Rutger Hauer, The Hitcher
Terry O'Quinn, The Stepfather
George C. Scott, The Changeling
James Woods, Videodrome

Best Actress
Geena Davis, The Fly
Shelley Duvall, The Shining
Ellen Greene, Little Shop of Horrors
Winona Ryder, Beetlejuice
Dee Wallace, Cujo

Best Supporting Actor
Scatman Crothers, The Shining
Robert Englund, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Michael Keaton, Beetlejuice
Leslie Nielsen, Creepshow
Bill Paxton, Near Dark

Best Supporting Actress
Adrienne Barbeau, The Fog
Veronica Cartwright, The Witches of Eastwick
Zelda Rubinstein, Poltergeist
Jill Schoelen, The Stepfather
Sylvia Sidney, Beetlejuice

Best Director
John Carpenter, The Fog
Wes Craven, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Frank Oz, Little Shop of Horrors
Sam Raimi, The Evil Dead
John Schlesinger, The Believers

Best Original Screenplay
Beetlejuice, screenplay by Michael McDowell and Warren Skaaren, story by Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson
A Nightmare on Elm Street, written by Wes Craven
Night of the Comet, written by Thom Eberhardt
Poltergeist, screenplay by Steven Spielberg and Michael Grais & Mark Victor, story by Steven Spielberg
The Stepfather, screenplay by Donald E. Westlake, story by Brian Garfield, Carolyn Lefcourt & Donald E. Westlake

Best Adapted Screenplay
The Believers, screenplay by Mark Frost, based on the novel "The Religion" by Nicholas Conde
The Blob, screenplay by Frank Darabont & Chuck Russell, based on the story by Irving H. Millgate and the 1958 screenplay by Kay Linaker and Theodore Simonson
The Fly, screenplay by Charles Edward Pogue and David Cronenberg, based on the novel by George Langelaan
Re-Animator, screenplay by Dennis Paoli, William J. Norris & Stuart Gordon, based on the novel "Herbert West - Re-Animator" by H.P. Lovecraft
The Thing, screenplay by Bill Lancaster, based on the novella "Who Goes There?" by John W. Campbell, Jr. 

Best Cinematography
The Believers, Robby Muller
Curtains, Robert Paynter
The Fog, Dean Cundey
The Funhouse, Andrew Laszlo
The Shining, John Alcott

Best Editing
Creepshow, Pasquale Buba, Paul Hirsch, George A. Romero and Michael Spolan
The Howling, Joe Dante and Mark Goldblatt
Poltergeist, Michael Kahn
The Shining, Ray Lovejoy
The Thing, Todd C. Ramsay

Best Production Design
Beetlejuice
The Funhouse
Leviathan 
The Shining
The Witches of Eastwick


Best Costume Design
Beetlejuice, Aggie Guerard Rodgers
Fright Night, Robert Fletcher
Little Shop of Horrors, Marit Allen
The Lost Boys, Susan Becker
Warlock, Louise Frogley

Best Original Score
The Final Conflict, Jerry Goldsmith
Hellraiser, Christopher Young
The House on Sorority Row, Richard Band
The Howling, Pino Donaggio
The Kindred, David Newman

Best Original Song
"The Ballad of Harry Warden", My Bloody Valentine, music and lyrics by Paul Zaza
"Dream Warriors", A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, music and lyrics by George Lynch and Jeff Pilson
"Fright Night", Fright Night, music and lyrics by Joe Lamont
"Killer Klowns from Outer Space", Killer Klowns from Outer Space, music and lyrics by Leonard Phillips
"These Are the Best Times (of Our Lives)", Killer Party, music and lyrics by Alan Brackett and Scott Shelly

Best Sound
An American Werewolf in London 
The Believers
Christine
Prince of Darkness
Wolfen 


Best Visual Effects
The Blob
The Gate
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II
Night of the Creeps 
The Thing 

Best Make-Up
Dead Heat
The Evil Dead
Fright Night
Hellraiser
A Nightmare on Elm Street 

Best International Feature
Anguish (Spain)
Bad Taste (New Zealand)
The Changeling (Canada)
Opera (Italy)
Road Games (Australia)

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Saturday, July 27, 2024

Waste of Buffalo?

(The title was taken from a reddit post about the Taste. I'm a long way from feeling like this, myself...or am I?)

Another second weekend in July has come and gone this year. I think I finally managed to figure something out. The Taste of Buffalo was made just for me. That used to mean samples of delicious meals from all over this great county and state of ours. However, what I’ve come to figure out is that it was made for me, but not in a complementary way. Between wandering around in the hot, hot sun with sweat pouring in my eyes and me trying to figure out the best way to get all I want at the cost of quite a bit of money to me looking so, so unhealthy as I wander around through crowds of complete strangers, doing my best to cut up food with cheap-ass silverware so I don’t choke on something and die, I realize that the Taste of Buffalo was made for me…to be absolutely humiliated.

The usual battery of planning went into the weeks leading up to it: saving money, waiting desperately several times a day for the menu to be posted. It finally was and - much to my shock - some items were made available for 12 tickets. 12 tickets? Must be some good grub this year.

I blindly made my list and found that it topped out at roughly 130 tickets to spend. Clearly, some changes had to be made. I determined to limit my pursuits to menu items that were less common the year round, so goodbye, Famous Potato Salad from Avenue 29! Adios, Potato and Cheddar Pierogi from Babcia's! Hit the road, Egg Roll from Anchi a la Carte!

Of course, this still left a menu that would cost 100 tickets...and that's without drinks. The price of eating your feelings. It's seldom cheap.

As ever, I park my car in the reliable space of across from a church a few blocks away from Delaware. The walking tricks me into thinking I'm counteracting the massive eating I'm gonna do. I get to the Taste and hand over $60 cash for ten sheets of tickets.

The first item I tried this year, mainly because La casa de sabores’s booth was closest, was the Arroz con gandules (that’s Spanish rice with peas to you).

As you can see, they filled the cup to the brim, thereby guaranteeing that a good portion of the dish will end up on the ground (spoiler warning: it did). This should’ve been an omen for the remainder of the day.
 
Hopefully, I would have a better experience with the Greek Chicken Pierogi from Babcia's Pierogi. I do. The dish is tasty with nicely balanced ingredients.

 

The problem arises in cutting the goddamn thing. They gave me a fork but not a knife, forcing me to tear at it with my teeth like a rabid dog with a steak. Common fucking courtesy, where art thou?

I'm still not sure how it happened or why, but despite being fairly underwhelmed by the dish last year, my legs wandered over to Avenue29 Foods' booth for Taco Nachos. There were jalapenos and peppers carelessly dripped onto the food I might have actually wanted to eat, but without even the courtesy of a fork to pick the offending toppings off. On top of that, the girl that served them to me was weirdly dismissive. I know where I'm never eating in this one-horse town.

I returned to Steaksters for their Steak and Cheese Log, but the blue cheese was gone, replaced with oil.


Needless to say, the oil saw the inside of a garbage container, but the log was as delightful as ever.

I mull over the Beef on Weck Barrel Roll from Barrel Factory Kitchen, but then I see it's basically a beef on weck reconfigured into an egg roll. In theory, it might be fun, but pair the saltiness of the sandwich with the greasiness of an egg roll and that's a big bag of no, thank you!

I've dined at Pierogi Pete's quite a bit over the last year, so naturally, I was ecstatic that they'd be taking their act on the road. The Loaded Tots (or Irish Nachos) were quite engaging, but then, I'm just a whore for Tater Tots.

The Loaded Pierogi Bowl was also an option, until I saw that they were topped with...banana peppers?! How dare you!

My meal plan originally contained the Breakfast Egg Roll from Resurgence Brewing Company, but that was cast out for the same reason as the Impossible Burger from Avenue29: "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?". Very disappointing.

However, next door to this den of deceit was Pizza Amore, which offered a slice of Chicken and Waffle Pizza. Hmmm. Never had that before. Worth a shot, right?


Well...the slice was good, but not as mind blowing as the concept led me to believe. The taste of maple syrup made for a nice culinary left turn, but overall, not something I'd recommend.

One of the local sponsors, Tops Markets, has their own tent, mainly offering people a chance at gift cards of varying amounts by spinning a wheel. However, the line is stupid long, but I figure, ‘where else do I have to be’? The heat begins to intensify. I get closer to the entrance. Ahead of me are two brothers (?) who start to haggle over how many spins they get as they only brought so much money. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “It’s too fucking hot for this!”.

Finally, it's my turn. I give them three dollars, one per spin. I win a chance at a $100 gift card...as well as a tote bag and plastic pan scraper.

If that wasn't humiliating enough, the football toss booth from last year is set up again and - once more - I beef it. Maybe, if there weren't people sitting in the game area that I could potentially hit with the ball, I'd have had a chance. Why are old people?

After this, I need a good sit down and a soda, not in that order. A few minutes of decompression are just what I need before I resume my jaunt.

Of course, my mom is going to want something and so, I fall back on what I got her last year: Cajun Honey BBQ Wings from Just Pizza. I slip them in my bag before continuing (and I can only figure that she likes them; I haven’t heard any complaints yet).

I was hoping to save the Banana Pudding from Golden Hour Treats for last, but the exact reasoning why has already evaporated from my memory.


There was also a Banana Bread Pudding from BW's Barbecue that I intended to try, but their decision to put a caramel topping on it put paid to that plan.

My naughty little sweet tooth led me to grab a Reese's Cupcake from Not Just Cakes for potential dessert within the next few days...or tomorrow. It's around this time that I notice people carrying their meals in trays. I inquire a few people as to where I can get one, but my invisibility must've been acting up again, because no one wanted to give me an answer.

You'd think that this would be it for the day, but there's one item I trick myself into thinking I need to try: the Cheeto Shrimp Burrito from Lime House Sushi and Ramen. I move as best I can back to my car, drowning in sweat but thankful to be on my way home.

I have the burrito in intermittent bites. Maybe, sushi isn't my thing but the initially promising mixture of ingredients doesn't quite hit the spot. Not the worst item I've had at one of these things, but hardly worth the 12 tickets it bled out of me.

The following day, I might've been happy to stay home away from the trials and tribulations of simply enjoying a good meal, but there was a monstrous relative staying with us that weekend that I needed to be as far away from as humanly possible to preserve my sanity, so off I went.

Desperate for an item that would get rid of all of my tickets, I chose the 6-ticket Alu Tikki from New Jewel of India and, really, I need to stop eating here. All those toppings on potato patties and no flavor. No spice. They could've sold me a napkin and it probably would've been more appetizing.

One of the items I'd neglected yesterday - mainly because 12 tickets is too damn much - was within my grasp today. Emboldened by a fresh round of tickets, I trudge toward the Anchi a la Carte booth for Pork and Shrimp Bao Bun. The sweet sauce on top is an extra incentive to splurge. At this point, I am gaspingly desperate for one of those trays that I see people carrying around. I ask a few people, but they don't answer me or outright ignore me. 'City of Good Neighbors', my taint! Finally, someone points me in the direction of the First Student booth providing trays to relieve my suffering. It costs nothing to be a decent person and yet, some people (read: most people) will go out of their way to be assholes. (P.S. I had the bun for dinner that night and it was edible enough, but wow, was it ever underwhelming. What I saw inside the bun was not recognizable as pork or shrimp, making me wonder what kind of evil hypnotic spell was cast to get people to pay 12 tickets for it.)

One last item before I run away, tail between my legs. The Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie from Fat Lady's Cakes and Pies (another 12 tickets down the tubes). It wasn't listed on the outside of the truck like the other items, so I assumed the worst, but it was just kept out of view. It felt a little hard when I grabbed onto it, but I guess some time in the sun (and time in a baggie) managed to be a good thing because it was soft by the time I ate it the next day.

The time in the sun was good for the cookie, but bad for me. Despite being outside for less time than I was yesterday, I was drenched in what felt like the exact same amount of sweat as yesterday.

Going forward, I think it would behoove me to set a limit on how much I spend on food if I deign to go back to the Taste. Save my bank account, save my weight, save my sanity.

Well, at least there’s the Erie County Fair next month. Between how some of the people are dressed and some of the stands selling ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’ merchandise, they humiliate themselves way worse than I could ever be humiliated, so there’s some solace in that.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2024

The next flight leaves tomorrow morning.

Well, another year, another Con I dream about going to. Eh. Let's get on with it. (A lot of conflicts this year. The panels I would be going to are in bold.)

Thursday

Meet Michael Hirsh | Room 9 | 10:00a - A conversation with the co-founder of Canada's Nelvana animation. Who wouldn't want to hear his story?

The History of Peanuts in Animation | Room 5AB | 10:00a | From prime time specials to theatrical movies to a Saturday morning series, the gang has been all over. Be nice to take a look back.

So You Want to Start a Podcast | Neil Morgan Auditorium, San Diego Central Library | 11:00a | I do! I totally do! I just hope it’s not too expensive.

10th Annual Musical Anatomy of a Superhero Along with Heroes | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 11:15a - Another panel of film composers, only a small percentage of whom I'm interested in. Still, who else caters to film music at these things?

Marketing Movies and Writing Cartoons | Room 29CD | 11:30a - Apparently, Craig Miller made the jump from marketing big genre movies to writing for animation. Surely, someone like that has tales to tell.

Science of Futurama | Grand 10 & 11, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina | 12:00p | How possible is it to see the 31st century innovations before that time? Who knows? Just get me a brain switcher and I'll be fine.

Weird Al-Gorithm Podcast Celebrate Al's TV Album | Neil Morgan Auditorium, San Diego Central Library | 12:00p | So, this is how I find out there's a Weird Al podcast. They'll be looking at the best songs he wrote about television.

Malcolm and Friends | Room 6A | 12:30p | Malcolm Barrett…of “Timeless” hangs out with some famous friends discussing nerd culture. Man, it’d be cool to have my own panel…or famous friends…or friends.

Spotlight on Patrick McDonnell: The 30th Anniversary of Mutts, Freeing Guard Dog, Marvel Superheroes and the Dalai Lama | Room 5AB | 1:00p - You had me at '30th Anniversary of Mutts', though I'm sure those other aspects are interesting, too.

Worst Mistake I Ever Made | Grand 12 & 13, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina | 1:00p | God willing, the errors we make in the course of seeking success can end up leading to our greatest moments. I’m still waiting.

Unveiling the VFX Magic: 20th Century Studios' Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes | Room 6A | 1:45p | A Visual Effects Oscar is pretty much assured, at this point. I would love to see how the magic was made.

1984: Greatest Geek Year Too: Big Brother Was Watching You! | Room 5AB | 3:00p - I will never not be fascinated by this panel, even if the hosts did slag off Arthur B. Rubinstein's scores for Blue Thunder and WarGames on an episode of their podcast. Seriously, fuck them for that.

The Groundlings Celebrate 50 Years of Laughs | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 3:00p | Somehow, I think that I’ll be surprised by some of the people who were a part of this.

What We Do in the Shadows' Farewell Kick-Off Tour | Hall H | 3:30p - The forthcoming sixth season will be the show's last, sadly. Much as I can't fathom sitting through a bunch of crap just to get to this, I would love to see this panel.

What to Know When Selling an Animated Show | Room 10 | 3:30p | I had an idea for an original show, but then, one of the people I wanted for a lead role passed away. Some years after that, I came up with a reboot for a 2000s series that could’ve been done better. Maybe, I can find a way through this.

Fleischer Cartoons: Restoring Betty Boop! | Room 28DE | 7:00p | Just what it says on the tin: the restoration of the Betty Boop cartoons, even (I presume) those weird early ones where she was a dog, for some reason.

The Art of Movie Posters | Room 26AB | 7:30p | I feel like what used to be a constant in film is now done as a cute throwback and that needs to change.

The GCATs: Aptitude Test! | Room 23ABC | 8:00p - The first of the night’s three quiz games, this one is structured like an old exam from school, which I suppose could be fun?

Trivia for Chocolate | Room 32AB | 8:00p - The second of the night’s quiz games, where each right answer is rewarded with a piece of chocolate and whoever has the most at the end can trade it for a big piece of chocolate.

The 27th Annual San Diego Comic-Con Superhero Kung Fu Extravaganza | Room 6A | 8:00p - As with trailers, put a montage of fight scenes in front of me and I’m happy…well I guess I would be. I’ve never really seen one of these.

Ranking Time Travel Movies According to Their Scientific Accuracy | Room 29CD | 8:30p - As someone who fixates endlessly on their mistakes and wishes they could go back and do them over, of course I’m fascinated by time travel stories. Maybe, they’re not all accurate, but isn’t that what makes them more fun?

Ghostface's Killer Trivia | Room 25ABC | 9:00p - The third of the night’s quiz games (seriously, space these out better next year, yeah?) sees the voice of Ghostface asking horror questions, presumably with less slashing in the event of wrong answers.

Friday

That 70s Panel | Room 10 | 10:30a | Comic books were changing in the 1970s, and thankfully, a lot of the people that experienced this first hand are still around.

The Pitching Hour | Room 32AB | 12:00p | Maybe, just maybe, a panel like this can give me the courage to succeed at pitching.

MeTV Toons: The New Destination for Your Favorite Classic Cartoons | Room 6A | 1:00p | An awesome TV network that brings together cartoons from my childhood and even earlier than that, so, of course it’s not in any local cable package. Even so, there are streaming services apparently, and it would be nice to hear about this channel.

The Blerd Panel | Grand 12 & 13, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina | 3:00p | I’ll probably be on this panel some day, so I may as well get a feel for it.

Defiant: The Robert Smalls Story | Room 6A | 3:30p | As a movie or as a graphic novel, this is a story that absolutely needs to be released to the public.

Bob's Burgers | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 4:00p | I just hope that the show isn’t running out of gas.

Collider's Directors on Directing | Hall H | 4:00p | A lot of crap I’d have to sit through to get to this panel, but somehow, I think it’d be worth it to have the directors of 2013’s ‘Die Hard in the White House’ action movies facing off.

You're Wrong, Leonard Maltin | Room 23ABC | 4:00p | To engage him on a movie I loved that he and his writers hated…I would enjoy at least one opportunity for that.

Mobile Filmmaking: How to Make a Movie Using a Smartphone | Grand 6, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina | 4:15p | Seriously, how the fuck do I do this?

Trailer Park | Ballroom 20 | 4:30p | Weird how people complain about trailers giving away the whole movie, yet nobody wants to step forward to demand that trailers be edited in a less spoilery manner. I just don’t get people.

Pitching Film and Television | Grand 6, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina | 6:45p | Apparently, pitching is a vital skill for a writer to have, thereby decreasing my chances of making it in the business…

J. Michael Straczynski Workshop | Room 11 | 7:00p | …but maybe, with this guy’s tips in my back pocket, things won’t be so hopeless.

From Candyman to The Blackening | Room 10 | 7:30p | The focus here is on Black horror; not so much horror with Black people in it, but horror themed around the Black experience. Not sure if I could do it, but it’s worth a shot.

Black Heroes Matter | Room 29AB | 8:00p | Black heroes in pop culture, past, present and future. I’d sure like to do my part.

Villains: Shedding Light on the Darkness | Room 9 | 8:00p | Adding depth to your villain or just depicting them as monsters. That is the question.

Saturday

Inside the Writers' Room All-Stars: The Channels They Are A-Changin' | Room 24ABC | 10:00a | Writers and showrunners get together and talk about the television industry in the post-strike era. A lot of venom in store, no doubt.

Becoming Betty Boop: The Evolution of an Animation Icon | Room 29CD | 10:30a | A look at her history, popularity and impact on pop culture. Neat.

Futurama | Ballroom 20 | 11:00a | The cockroach of animated programs; you think you kill it and it just pops up someplace else. I haven’t even watched the first Hulu season yet. Maybe, I should get up on that.

American Splendor: Celebrating Harvey Pekar at 85 | Room 29AB | 11:00a | I enjoyed the movie and read some of the comics though given how deeply I related to the former you’d think I’d have read more of the latter.

Everybody Still Hates Chris | Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront | 11:15a | Apparently, there’s an animated reboot in the works. One can only imagine how much further they can push things in this new medium.

What is the Best Superpower? | Room 25ABC | 12:00p | How many times do I have to tell you people? Shapeshifting! Nobody listens to me.

Spotlight on J. Michael Straczynski | Room 7AB | 1:00p | Once more into the breach in the career of the film and television veteran.

Cartoon Voices I | Room 6BCF | 1:00p | It’s always a fun time hearing voice artists good their way through some kind of script.

Bear McCreary: Musical World Building | Room 6DE | 3:00p | I’m not gonna lie: my fascination with his work is waning, mainly due to ‘his’ score for We Have a Ghost that - with its disparate thematic elements - made no attempt to disguise the fact that he’d farmed it out to eight different people. Still, accounting for a vacation in the immediate future, he may regain the eye of the tiger, yet.

DreamWorks Animation's The Wild Robot | Room 6BCF | 4:00p | It’s gonna take a lot for another robot-themed animated feature to impress me following the marvelous Robot Dreams, but I’m sure I’ll appreciate the effort.

Hanna-Barbera: The Recorded History | Room 7AB | 4:30p | Not every one of their shows hit the mark, but the longevity of the company cannot be denied.

Black Superheroes, Black Power Fantasies, Double Consciousness, Oh My! | Room 29AB | 6:00p | Given the description at the website, the panel isn’t as sensational as the title: “This panel looks at the origins and development of Black superheroes and Black power fantasies in contrast to their White counterparts while asking: Who is telling these tales, to what end, and for whom?”

A Panel With Kevin Smith | Hall H | 7:30p | Despite the potentially winning The 4:30 Movie (no relation to the podcast, I presume), it seems that Smith is at his best when he just chatting, so this could be fun.

Sunday

Cartoon Voices II | Room 6A | 11:45a | Like I said about yesterday…

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dwayne McDuffie But Were Afraid to Ask | Room 28DE | 12:00p | One can only wonder if “Ben 10: Omniverse” would’ve turned out good had he lived, but perhaps it matters more to focus on what he produced in his lifetime.

Jellystone Screening and Panel | Room 6DE | 1:45p | I found this show odd but enjoyable. Nice to know there’s more of it coming.

The Character of Music: The Art of Scoring for Animation | Room 6BCF | 2:15p | More composers I’ve never heard of. (Yeah. Real ‘some nobodies!’ energy, here.) Hell, they might have interesting stories.

The Business of Cartoon Voices | Room 7AB | 3:00p | I have always wanted to voice a cartoon character, not as a career, but for fun, though it would be nice to have knowledge of the ins and outs of the business.

Well...here's hoping I get my chance, one day.

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