So, let's recap. As of right now, I have:

• Two maxed out credit cards whose combined total debt is about $9,000
• A number of medical bills
• A debt for a cell phone
• A car note that's on the verge of being paid off
• An as-yet-undiagnosed car issue that's affecting my steering
• An overdue car inspection that, logically, can't be taken care of until the above problem is
• A number of imminent parking tickets because of the previous problem

And, prostitution or insurance fraud aside, no way to pay for them.

Nothing in this world is free. Everything costs money. All I ask for is a way to have as much money as, if not more than what I'm expected to pay off. I ask and I ask, but I get less than nothing in return. I accept that I'm not a perfect person, but I know that I'm, at least, better than the people who take lives: murderers, zealots, suicide bombers. Bullets, bombs, guns, I know that shit doesn't come cheap.

As I sat at a birthday party recently, and wandered around the fair last week and as I think about how I'm sharing this now, it dawns on me just how alone in the world I truly am. It is said that no one is truly alone as long as they have the Lord.

Again, I've asked for so much and gotten so little in return. Given how little He acknowledges me, would I really be missed if I decided not to acknowledge Him? Amongst billions of followers, I sincerely doubt it. All I really ask for is a sign.

Not a sign that He's listening, but a sign that He cares; a sign that He cares enough to lift me out of this hole, dust me off and set me on a good path, just like those fancy words in that Book. Either lift me out of the hole or fill it in after me, because I am beyond exhausted with this 'help just out of reach' nonsense.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one.

Why must there be uncertainty? Not just for one's self, but everywhere.

Some might argue that uncertainty keeps the world from plunging into chaos, but I argue that it keeps us from the things we need and want from life. If someone has impressive credentials all around, should it matter that their personality isn't what you consider to be perfect?

Uncertainty and self-doubt are tools of the devil. Life could and may be lived to the fullest and we'd know that if we didn't second-guess everything that shows up in front of us.

What kind of universe puts so many wonderful things in front of us, but also the sensibility to keep us from ever getting those things?

Not a suicide note, I promise.

As I find myself thinking about all the people younger than myself making a difference in the world by any particular means, my mind goes right to my pathetic income, my shameful living situation, my many debts, my questionable means of transportation, my lack of friends and my nonexistent prospects and I end up thinking, 'would anyone really miss me if I died tomorrow'?

It's a question I'm sure everyone has asked themselves at their lowest moments. No one should ever have to ask this, but, more and more, it seems that God isn't listening to my prayers. No one is and I really don't know how to react to that.

I really wish I knew what to do about this.

All's fair in love and cholesterol.

I've learned something: everyone should see a movie at a drive-in and go to the fair at least once a summer.

Having already done the former (with a double feature of Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer!), I felt that I had to get the latter done, at some point.

Learning that I'd have to pay for parking (and my car only barely qualifies as drivable right now due to a mistake I made that night at the drive-in, but never mind), I instead decided to take the shuttle to the fair. It was a city bus, which I hadn't ridden in a long time. It was actually nice letting someone else do the driving while I took a nap (or saw the scenery; the ride was a flexible one).

When I got there, there were people, of course, but also animals. I saw a couple of cows being walked (and I was careful to check my shoes for any presents).

Even with the attractions, my main goal at the fair was chowing down on something - anything - deep-fried. I got that wish with one stand's 'Deep Fried Bacon Cheddar Mashed Potatoes'. They were pretty hot, at first, so I just broke off the skin drippings and dipped that in the side of ranch dressing. Eventually, I dove into the balls. Still pretty warm, and a little loose in my hands, but damn if they weren't delicious. I really want more of that 'Deep Fried Paradise' feeling.

I planned to partake of another meal, but nothing caught my fancy; most of the stuff available wasn't all that rare. I just felt like walking around after that. There were carnival games galore, but I wasn't interested. I'd planned on riding a burlap sack down a giant slide, but that seemed to not be around. Even if I hadn't just eaten, sideshow attractions like a 29-inch woman and a half-snake, half-girl were better ignored than experienced.

I didn't turn my nose up at everything, though: a buffalo was carved (or chainsawed) by a purported 'Wizard of Wood' and there was an interesting bit of audience participation with 'Sam and the Giant Wheel'.

On my way back to the entrance, I passed through a barn housing a number of animals, both feathered (chickens, peacocks, geese) and furry (rabbits, guinea pigs). Cute though they were, I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. I certainly wouldn't want to be stuck in a cage, ripe for the gawking.

Still, like I said, going to the fair is something we should all experience once a summer. Here's hoping my life is more in order when I go back next year.

Chasing dollars.

Bad news: as I have the wrong kind of blood, I am not eligible to give plasma for money.

Good news: as something of a consolation prize, I was given a $25 check for my troubles (travel expenses).

Good(ish) news: I also registered for online surveys and it just paid its first volley: $10 added to my Paypal account.

Yay?