In Keenen Ivory Wayans' A Low Down Dirty Shame, Peaches tells Shame that if you sing James Brown songs, dogs will not attack.

While watching Wayans' White Chicks, one can't help but be disappointed that this didn't come back during the scene where Kevin investigates Latrell's house for intel, only for his guard dog to attack.

Tripper telling the reporter about Camp Mohawk in Meatballs, Blackadder giving Samuel Johnson more new words for the dictionary...I need to write a good trolling scene, someday.

Okay, so advanced reviews of Ready Player One are out and people are calling it...not bad. I'm sorry, but the moment someone on Twitter called the original book 'bazinga-ass shit', I just died. That well and truly killed me, it was so funny. It also guaranteed that I wouldn't be seeing this in a theater. The Oasis scenes look so murky that you can't make out the characters said to be cameoing (and what's the point of that?) and, beyond that, I could not give less of a shit about the story.

I still think this cat nailed the movie:

Oscar turns 90 years young.

So help me God, I thought they were starting at 8:30.

8:06p Nice beard on Willem Dafoe.

8:09p "None other than President Trump called Get Out 'the best first 3/4 of a movie all year'."

8:13p Hell, I'd probably give a short speech just to win a jet-ski.

8:14p A montage for Best Supporting Actor...

8:15p ...and here's Viola Davis.

8:18p The Oscar goes to...Sam Rockwell (1/24)!

8:24p I think I'd rather have the play-off music.

8:25p Gal Gadot and Armie Hammer (Fun fact: he was to play Superman in George Miller's unmade Justice League movie) present Best Make-Up and Hairstyling. The Oscar goes to...Darkest Hour (2/24)!

8:28p Eva Marie Saint reminisces en route to presenting Best Costume Design.

8:31p The Oscar goes to...Phantom Thread (3/24)! Again, a period piece about costumes being designed! How do you bet against that?!

8:38p Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern present Best Documentary Feature. The Oscar goes to...Icarus.

8:43p Taraji P. Henson presents the first of the night's nominees for Original Song, "Mighty River" from Mudbound, performed by dual Oscar-nominee Mary J. Blige.

8:52p A montage about the magic of movies.

8:56p Ansel Elgort and Eiza Gonzales (from Baby Driver; okay, wouldn't this be a slight conflict of interest?) present the awards for Sound Editing, which goes to...Dunkirk (4/24)...

9:01p ...and Sound Mixing, which goes to...Dunkirk. I swear to Allah, this better not be the beginning of a slide.

9:07p The Governors and Sci-Tech Awards are summarized. Among the recipients are Donald Sutherland and cinematographer Owen Roizman (The Exorcist, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three).

9:08p Kumail Nanjiani and Lupita Nyong'o present Best Production Design. The Oscar goes to...The Shape of Water (5/24)!

9:12p Eugenio Derbez presents the next nominee for Original Song, "Remember Me" from Coco.

9:22p Rita Moreno presents Foreign Language Film. The Oscar goes to...A Fantastic Woman (6/24)!

9:25p A montage of Supporting Actress winners precedes Mahershala Ali presenting this year's award. The Oscar goes to...Allison Janney (7/24)! Real talk: wish she'd mentioned LaVona Harding in her speech.

9:35p Rose Tico, Luke Skywalker, Poe Dameron and BB-8 present the award for Best Animated Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."Dear Basketball". Wait. Kobe Bryant is an Oscar winner now?

9:40p And now...Best Animated Feature. The Oscar goes to...Coco (8/24)!

9:43p Daniela Vega introduces the third nominee for Original Song, "Mystery of Love" from Call Me by Your Name.

9:51p An ad for the Overlook Hotel?

9:52p Gina Rodriguez and Tom Holland present Best Visual Effects. The Oscar goes to...Blade Runner 2049.

9:55p Matthew McConaughey presents Best Editing. The Oscar goes to...Dunkirk.

10:00p Jimmy Kimmel takes a bunch of celebs to blow the minds of moviegoers. Hey, beats the crap out of a pizza party.

10:07p And the moviegoers are suitably shook.

10:09p Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph present Documentary Short Subject, which goes to..."Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405" (9/24)!

10:14p The moral of that exchange is that people need to write better comedies for women.

10:15p ...and Best Live Action Short Subject. The Oscar goes to..."The Silent Child".

10:18p Dave Chappelle presents the fourth nominee for Original Song, "Stand Up for Something" from Marshall.

10:25p Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra and Salma Hayek take a glance at trailblazers.

10:31p Chadwick Boseman and Margot Robbie present Best Adapted Screenplay. The Oscar goes to... James Ivory for Call Me by Your Name (10/24)!

10:36p Nicole Kidman presents Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to...Jordan Peele for Get Out. I'm happy to be wrong for once.

10:42p Wes Studi (a Vietnam vet!) introduces a montage of war movies.

10:46p Sandra Bullock presents Best Cinematography. The Oscar goes to...Roger Deakins for Blade Runner 2049 (11/24)! 'bout damn time! I guess I'll have to see it at some point.

10:50p Zendaya introduces the last nominee for Original Song, "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman.

10:57p Christopher Walken presents Best Original Score. The Oscar goes to...Alexandre Desplat for The Shape of Water (12/24)! Gorgeous, thematic, perfect. God does exist.

11:01p Lin-Manuel Miranda and Emily Blunt present Best Original Song. The Oscar goes to..."Remember Me" from Coco (13/24)!

11:04p Jennifer Garner introduces the 'In Memoriam' montage.

11:12p Emma Stone presents Best Director. The Oscar goes to...Guillermo Del Toro for The Shape of Water (14/24)!

11:19p A montage of Best Actor winners. Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren present the award, which goes to...Gary Oldman in Darkest Hour (15/24)! Nice of him to thank Churchill.

11:28p A montage of Best Actress winners. Jodie Foster (hope she's all right) and Jennifer Lawrence present Best Actress. The Oscar goes to...Frances McDormand for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Like I said, a two-woman race. I just backed the wrong one.

11:37p "We'll be opening this envelope." Maybe, shred the other ones, just in case.

11:41p Back for an encore performance are Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway presenting Best Picture. The Oscar goes to.... (dramatic pause) The Shape of Water.

11:48p Hey, Mark Bridges has two Oscars and a jet-ski! Not bad.

15/24. Best score I've ever had. Cool night.

Viva Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec!

One of these days, I'm gonna run dry of these Oscar thread titles. Hopefully, by that time, I'll be making movies instead of merely talking about them.

Picture: I want to say Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri...and so, I will.

Actor: I think that Gary Oldman will be the likely choice.

Actress: What this category ultimately comes down to is a two-woman race, in my view. Between Sally Hawkins and Frances McDormand, I'll go with...Hawkins.

Supporting Actor: As you'll also see with my next choice, it takes a truly talented performer to make us care about, essentially, a horrible person. Sam Rockwell.

Supporting Actress: Fearless, funny and wonderfully nasty. Allison Janney.

Director: I'm gonna guess Guillermo Del Toro, just because.

Original Screenplay: Having seen all the nominees (save Lady Bird), this is a wide open category, but to choose one...Three Billboards.

Adapted Screenplay: I'm still blown away that Logan made the category, but cool as a win would be, let's be realistic. Call Me by Your Name.

Cinematography: Roger Deakins is winning this, no question. They're gonna give it to him, one way or the other, even if they have to yank it from the hands of the actual winner.

Editing: The Shape of Water.

Art Direction: The Shape of Water. Hey, this could mark the beginning of a slide.

Costume Design: I cannot overemphasize this enough: it's a period piece about a man who designs clothes. Do I need to draw a map?! (Phantom Thread)

Make-Up and Hairstyling: Darkest Hour.

Animated Feature: Coco. Period.

Original Score: As long as it goes to anything but Dunkirk, I'm good. More specifically, The Shape of Water.

Original Song: Honestly, there would have to be a lot of beep-bop-boop robots on the voting board for "Remember Me" not to win. (Some people actually wondered why the most popular song in Mexico would have English lyrics. Because shut up is why!)

Visual Effects: WETA, apparently, has never won an Oscar. Unacceptable. War for the Planet of the Apes's effects were stunning. Let's fix a mistake.

Sound (Mixing): And now, we come to the 'guesses pulled out of my ass' portion of the ballot. Baby Driver.

Sound Editing: Dunkirk (but this better not be the launching point of a slide).

Documentary Feature: Last Men in Aleppo.

Documentary Short Subject: "Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405".

Animated Short Subject: "Revolting Rhymes".

Live-Action Short Subject: "DeKalb Elementary".

Foreign Film: A Fantastic Woman.